Friday, January 16, 2015

Screen Door Summer...

first days of Summer
early childhood
first, second, third year of school
when Summers first started to mean something


I am Free.

i remember
i remember those days
i remember that feeling
only remember
i remember one morning
seven or eight
both of us
myself and the day
just starting to heat up

i remember finding our front door open
wide open
propped open
because we'd just bought a new screen door
our first
to let the Summer in
i can still remember the sweet smell
of the soft blond wood frame of our new door
blending with the scent of suburban Summer wafting through
cut grass and pool water
dandelion and hot asphalt

i remember the sparkles of dust twinkling
through the enormous beam of radiant Sun
pouring through our open front door
flooding through our new screen door
pooling in two golden domino blocks
on the orange shag carpet

i remember lying down then
right there on the carpet
right there at our open front door
in my pj's
in that bath of light
and doing nothing else
doing nothing at all

i remember it was so warm
so comfortable
so wonderful
so perfect
i didn't want to leave
i didn't have to leave
i could lay there as long as i wanted
i had nothing else to do
all i had to do was whatever i wanted
and what i wanted was to lay right there
and let the blissful Summer Sun caress me all over
until there was nothing else

i remember i felt free then
absolutely felt it
for the first time
a sort-of tingle in the belly
like falling
or flying
the exhilaration of that new-found freedom
knowing i was free
knowing this was only the beginning
knowing there were months more of this left
months more to look forward to
the upwelling joy that knowledge brings
the surge of happiness at having nothing better to do
than drown in a pool of starlight

i remember recognizing
even then
that there was something special happening there
i didn't know what it was
not then
but i knew there wouldn't be many days like that
and there haven't been
this is the only one i can remember

but i'm glad i remember
it feels good to remember
it dulls the ache
left from wondering
if i'll ever get to feel that way again

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

In Our Rags Of Light...

If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will

If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing

If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us well

And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will

If it be your will.

        -"If It Be Your Will"
         Leonard Cohen, Various Positions

Friday, December 5, 2014

It Turns Reason Into Ashes...

They sent me out from Santa Fe
    to try and find his trail
They think that I'm the only one
    who can bring him back to jail
This star says I'm a lawman
    this gun has seen me through
And though my heart is heavy
    I've got a job to do

You see he's such a proud man
    who never learned to crawl
But a good man turned gunslinger
    is the meanest man of all
He killed a US Marshall
    and for that he's gonna pay
And I'm the lonely lawman
    who's on his trail today

There was a time he fought for truth
    and on the side of right
Until the only girl he loved
    was killed one fateful night
I know his heart was shattered
    as he turned the barren sod
And laid away her body
    commending it to God

Then he vowed a vengeance
    to those who took her life
And every notch upon his gun
    a tear shed for his wife
But vengeance is like wildfire
    sweepin' through the wood
It turns reason into ashes
    and burns out all the good

Now I can't help but remember
    as I trail this lonesome man
I don't believe while we were boys
    I won any race we ran
For you see his face resembles mine
    we talk somewhat the same
And though we walk in different worlds
    we both bear our daddy's name...
              -"The Lawman"
               Billy Walker
               listen on YouTube

Friday, November 7, 2014

Trying To Hold On To What He Needs...

When a man loves a woman,
    he can't keep his mind on nothing else
He'll trade the world
    for the good thing he's found
If she is bad, he can't see it,
    she can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
    if he put her down

When a man loves a woman,
    he'll spend his very last dime
Tryin' to hold on
    to what he needs
He'd give up all his comforts,
    sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way
    it ought to be

Well, this man loves a woman
I gave you everything I had
Tryin' to hold on to your high class love
Baby, please don't treat me bad

When a man loves a woman,
    down deep in his soul
She can bring him
    such misery
If she plays him for a fool,
    he's the last one to know
Lovin' eyes
    can't ever see

When a man loves a woman,
    he can do her no wrong
He can never own
    some other girl
Yes, when a man loves a woman
    I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby, baby,
    you're my world

When a man loves a woman
    I know exactly how he feels
Baby, baby, baby,
    you're my world
    -"When A Man Loves A Woman"
     Percy Sledge

Thursday, September 11, 2014

We Become Merlin, Lord Of The Geeks...

the Man is no longer a Man
in this day and age
he is a strange Middle-Aged Boy
an Aging Adolescent
hair going grey
with the hours whittled away
on Xbox video games

the Man that is a Man
is of a bygone age
The Real Man in the films of old
Age-ed Anachronism
strong and proud and brave
standing tall to face the day
and keep the wolves at bay

that I am a Man-who-is-not-a-Man
a product of this modern age
has vexed my Heart and Soul
my Arrested Ascension
how can I always play
when a Real Man works all day
but really who's to say?

the Boy is also a Man
in our culture at this stage
in truth both young and old
Advancing Adolescence
we get to play our lives away
yet still have bills to pay
the balance of the middle way

I am a Boy and I am a Man
by internal and external age
work only to play is my road
an Admirable Aspiration
that I get to live My Way
a little boyhood every day
is the great gift of this age

Fuck it
I'll be okay

Thursday, September 4, 2014

What Am I When I Am Not Me...

they're not nightmares
and i should think that would make a difference
but it doesn't
my dreams are a plague
infecting every part of me
every vessel, every organ
every nerve and every cell
every night
a Wonka riverboat ride down the rabbit hole into Madness
and mixed metaphors
a kaleidoscopic psychic calliope
of psychedelic psychosis
i remember when dreams used to comfort
bring relief and restitution
or delightful reminiscence
or strange beauty
but my dreams are now a plague
they exhaust me
all vivid surreal visions
          of mundane interactions
with a world I do not recognize
that feels uncomfortably
waking in those peaceful hours of pre- and post-dawn
that peace is lost on me
lying there, almost paralyzed
i do not remember my dreams
so much as i
Recover from them

Tuesday, August 19, 2014


I killed a man in my sleep last night.

strange albino maskface
cueball head coated in alabaster
greasepaint of a clown
skin white as the sharpened teeth
tearing through a bloodred slit of mouth
that wound the only color in his face

he was keeping me there
in the darkred room with no windows
holding me there in fear
terrorizing me
torturing me
delighting in it
consuming my fear like a drug
lusting after my pain
pleasuring himself with it

It had been a very bad day for me.

but then he brought Her in
so She could see what he had done
witness the mess he was making of me
brought Her in so I could see
the pain and the fear twisting Her beauty

but then he lost himself
in his lust and hunger for our degradation
he leaned down
face to "face"
pressed his sickening skin to mine
to whisper in my ear
all the things he was about to do to Her

He shouldn't have.

my hands were on his head
fists closed around ears
and pulled
thumbs went into eyes
and sank
and his bloodred mouth opened in glorious tortured screaming
my teeth clamped down
tearing into his bottom lip
with everything i had
i pushed and pulled and tore and ruined
eyeballs popped wet and cold like rotten grapes
ears gave in came off ripping strips of cheek revealing bone
lip tore down down down over chin and neck and red flowed free
free as i felt
free as i now was
as we now were

and i looked to Her
worried for us both
for so many things
and I saw Her
standing shocked
and there was no more fear in Her eyes
and there was no more love in Her smile
there was only the dumbfounded awe
of the newly awakened

all i felt
was justified