We Become Merlin, Lord Of The Geeks...

the Man is no longer a Man
in this day and age
he is a strange Middle-Aged Boy
an Aging Adolescent
hair going grey
with the hours whittled away
on Xbox video games

the Man that is a Man
is of a bygone age
The Real Man in the films of old
Age-ed Anachronism
strong and proud and brave
standing tall to face the day
and keep the wolves at bay

that I am a Man-who-is-not-a-Man
a product of this modern age
has vexed my Heart and Soul
my Arrested Ascension
how can I always play
when a Real Man works all day
but really who's to say?

the Boy is also a Man
in our culture at this stage
in truth both young and old
Advancing Adolescence
we get to play our lives away
yet still have bills to pay
the balance of the middle way

I am a Boy and I am a Man
by internal and external age
work only to play is my road
an Admirable Aspiration
that I get to live My Way
a little boyhood every day
is the great gift of this age

Fuck it
I'll be okay

Median Meridian Mean...

There is a Middle Road between all Worlds

I know this to be Truth

I have always seen it, glimpsed like a shadow in the corner of my Eye

Everywhere I have ever Looked

Everywhere I have ever Been

Everywhere

I have always felt myself to be

Known my Self to be

Standing to one side or the other of this Lost and Delicate Way

Skipping between the Extremes, always

Too High

or Too Low

too Hard or

too Soft

too Strong or too Weak

Too Much

or Never Enough

a Life Exhausted, leaping Across the Divide

from Mountaintop to Mountaintop

Seeking in vain the peaceful Valley on the Horizon

Always in The Distance

always Almost

never Now

Until

Until

until

until I collapse

until I cannot Go Any Further

until I finally Let Go

and Let My Self Fall

and Slide down the Mountain

because there is Nothing Left for me to do

but Lie Down

and Be Still

and Rest

Eyes Wide to the Sky

along the Middle Road

Equal Night...

Twice a year
once for Yin
and once for Yang
We pass the Balancing Point
and hover there for just a moment
hanging in the Black
perfectly perpendicular
aligned with Our Star
Day lasts as long as Night
and Night no longer than Day
We pass this point
and balance on this edge
just as We begin to explode with verdant Life
and then again We balance here
at the other side of Our Revolution
just as We begin to grow cold and die
These Equal Nights are the doorways to Our Two Worlds
light and dark
Life and Death
Yin and Yang
back and forth from one extreme to the other
in Our Endless Revolutions
but always passing through the same
points of Perfect Balance
in one door and out the other
We live and die all the while
swaying to this Eternal Rhythm
and it shapes us
molds us into Who We Are
What We Have Become
And so We hold these Equal Nights as Sacred
Special
Holy
or Magickal
examples of those brief ineffable moments
of Alignment
and Balance
and Perfection
these Equal Nights guide us to seek those moments
within Ourselves
and without
We feel this rhythm
and We see this balance
return again and again
We see it in Our World
and We feel it within Our Selves
and We strive to achieve that perfection
And so do We accomplish
all Our many
Great Things

A Meadow In March...

Early Spring snowfall
dusts late Winter bloom
crystalline fractals piling gently
all around
to rest upon vibrant petal
leaf
stem
and ground
The field now
a riot of pixelated color
struggling to be seen under
blank canvas tarp of
Winter's last throes
Portrait of Nature's perfect balance
Yin meeting Yang
flowing together
each becoming the other
flower melts snow into water flowing into flower
demonstration of Tao
in this limbo-time between the seasons
that is no longer Winter
and not yet Spring
when the Universe gives lessons
to remind us that
there is no such thing as 
"impossible"

Give And Take...

So, apparently today marks six months since my last drink.  Pretty happy about that.

Also, my wife dropped her phone in the toilet.  Less happy about that.

It would seem my world is in balance.

Göd Hexennacht...

Walpurgisnacht begins at Sunset.  And I have to say, I'm a little nervous.

Maybe "nervous" isn't the right word.  Maybe "anxious" would describe it better.  I know that "worried" isn't correct.  Because it's not that I'm concerned that anything bad will happen.  It's just that I don't know what to expect.  I know that something big will happen, and that I will be very different tomorrow than I am today, but I don't have a clear idea how, exactly.  And that fear of the unknown, combined with the anticipation of the event itself, always gives me a bit of a "butterflies in the tummy" feeling beforehand.  It's also a feeling of exhilaration, which is, of course, almost indistinguishable from anxiety.  I guess we sometimes refer to this feeling as "nerves" or "jitters."

I'm also a bit more excited than usual this time around, because there are some bigger things going on this year than usual.  This night will mark the beginning of a year-long period of monasticism and self-sacrifice for me.  And while I'm looking forward to that, it's also a scary thing to face on some levels.  What if I have a horrible year because of this decision?  What if it's too hard?  What if it's too painful?  What if I fail?

But there's joy to balance that out, as well.  An unexpected benefit of Her recent unemployment, is that she is now free to celebrate with me tonight.  Which, I have to admit, I think I'm looking forward to more than anything else.  Things have been weird, and kind of difficult, and distant, and more than a little unpleasant between us for a while now.  I've changed a lot, suddenly and drastically, in the past couple of months.  And that's a hard thing to adjust to - when your partner is suddenly such a completely different person.  And especially so if adjusting doesn't happen to be one of your strong suits.  I imagine she must feel pretty lonely right now.  And the particular ways in which I've changed haven't exactly made me easier to live with, either.  Though maybe "easy" isn't the right word.  I don't know.  I definitely don't think I'm as much fun as a I used to be, that's for sure.

So, I'm finding that I'm really, really excited about sharing this experience with her tonight.  Excited by the possibility of re-connecting with her in some way, in any way, beyond the merely superficial mechanics of our cohabitation.  Of sharing ourselves, again, in a poignant and reflective space, in a true and meaningful way.  I know that we will both be happier after tonight.  And I have the expectation that we will be happier in a specific way, but I'm also aware that isn't necessarily true - it could go either way.  But whether the experience brings us closer together, or drives us further apart, I know that we will both feel better about our selves, and about each other.

Will us Luck.  Göd Hexennacht and Happy May to you all.  Be safe tonight.

We'll see you on the other side.

Sunday Meditation...

Been real busy this week, for so many different reasons, so haven't had a lot of time to meditate.

The one time I did, it didn't go well.  And then I was out running errands all day yesterday and barely had any time at home at all.  So I definitely wanted to take advantage of the opportunity today.  It's beautiful outside, and we have all of our windows open, letting in the sunlight, and a crisp, fragrant Spring breeze.  Just being home is almost meditative right now.

But, still, I felt myself getting lazy.  I just wanted to watch TV.  Maybe play some video games, or take a bath and read.  I didn't get a chance to do my mathematics lesson this morning like I usually do, and part of me was telling myself that my time would be better spent on that, or some other more stimulating activity than simply sitting and breathing.  But nonetheless, I pushed all of those thoughts aside.  I could feel inside of myself, a sense of being out of balance.  I've been busy doing and thinking a lot lately, really getting lost in my head.  Somewhere inside, I could tell that what I needed right now was to give that part of me a break, and let my heart and my gut take over for a while.  I could feel that sense of flow inside of me, pulling me towards my cushions, and my altar, and a brief period of peace.

As always, I'm glad I followed my Tao.  It was just what I needed.

What I realize as I observe this, is the Tao of Listening Inside.

In every situation, we already know what to do.  Even when we don't.  The answer to every question is already inside of us.  When we don't know what to do, it is only because there is too much noise in the way.  If we can only learn to be quiet, and listen, then we will hear - and we will know.

In stillness and peace, the Path becomes clear.  And so we can choose to follow it.

The Old Cherry Tree By The Lake...

Dead tree, blossoming
Twisted trunk, pink flower buds
Like a corpse breathing

Ancient and rotten
Split and stunted, bent and burnt
This is surely death

Yet blossoms burst forth
Pink and fragrant, life from death
Impossible bloom

This, here, is the Tao
From dead Yin flowers Yang life
Fire roars from ashes

I see this, and know
I am this tree; my Tao flows
From root to petal

...

Just posted this yesterday, and I'm already editing it.  I posted it too quickly, and almost immediately saw changes I wanted to make.  Doesn't help that haiku is about the most immature, Creative Writing 101 style of poetry, either.  But, I'm not a poet, and I've never claimed to be.  The thing I like about haiku, is that it isn't necessarily about being pretty or poignant or profound.  A lot of the power is inherent in the form itself; anyone can do it.  It lends this almost zen-like quality to whatever you say.  So, I find it's perfect for expressing zen-like thoughts and emotions.

I found this tree on my way back from my old high school during my St. Patrick's Day drift, after sitting for a while under the tree where She and I first fell in love a couple of decades ago.  I was stunned, at first, to see something so blatantly impossible.  Then I was attracted to it, because I found it so amazing.  Then I felt an intense kinship with this tree, as though we'd shared similar lives, and were both going through the same experience just then.  I would've taken a picture of it, so that I could share this amazing sight with others, but my phone had just died the day before, so I didn't have a working camera on me for once.  Seems oddly like provenance, now, that this mystical vision should only exist in my memory.  I have this strange feeling that if I went back to that spot, the tree wouldn't be there anymore.

I'd been planning to write a full entry about the experience at some point, but during meditation yesterday afternoon, the seeds of this haiku began to form inside of me, and by the time I was finished meditation, I knew I had to express them.

Words Everyday...

I've decided - for my mental, emotional, spiritual, psychic, and perhaps even physical well-being - to try to post something here every day.  We'll see how long I'm able to keep that up.

I imagine most, if not all, of it will be like most everything else I write - masturbatory, self-indulgent drivel all about me, Me, ME.  But they say "write what you know," and what I know is introspection and self-analyzation.  I am, after all, my favorite subject to ponder.

I think a key to keeping it going will be to just write whatever I'm feeling right then, whatever comes into my head, whatever I want to write about.  No set topic, no set word limit, no pressure to do anything specific other than WRITE SOMETHING.  Again, we'll see how well I actually do.  But I'm looking forward to it.  It will feel good to do some small creative exercising every day.

...

Some people are able to walk the middle path.  Able to keep balance in their life.  I know that I have wanted that for as long as I have wanted at all.  And, I guess, in my way, I have been able to do that.  But not in a straight line.  Instead, looking back on my life, I see that I have always bounced back and forth from one extreme to the other, over and over and over, back and forth.  And there is definitely a kind of balance in that.  But not stability.

It's a violent kind of balance.  Not exactly the serenity one associates with the idea of "walking the middle path."  And, I must admit, not really what I want for myself, either.  I keep hoping that one of these days, I will end up in the middle.  That I will somehow bounce myself into a state of grace.  I'm not sure how realistic that is, though.  I like to believe that each time I whip from one pole to the other, that I get a little closer to the center, that I am drawing my poles closer and closer to each other with each oscillation.  But I don't know if this is true, or just wishful-thinking.

And another thought I try (and often fail) to not worry about:  is this what they refer to as "bi-polar?"

And if it is, then what does that mean for me?