Before She Wakes...

It's quiet in here right now.  Early-Sunday-morning quiet.

When I'm lucky, I get two of these a week.  These all-too-brief respites of quiescence.  I've come to understand how much I look forward to them, without even knowing it; how much I need them.  To recover, to rejuvenate, to reflect.  To define myself.  To remind myself of who I think I am.  Who I want to believe I am.  To try and become the man I want to be.  The essence of Me-time.

As with most things, I feel I squander it too often.  Washing myself down the drain.  It isn't enough to simply relax, though that is definitely part of it; resting in preparation for the week ahead.  Once more unto the breach..., etc.  But Quiet and Alone come too rarely to be wasted on mere relaxation.  They are worth so much more than that.

Who are you, when you're by yourself?

When all you have to do, is be, what will you do?

Character, is who you are, in the dark.

It's time for my time.

And I know what to do with it.

The Tao of Rejuvenation...

I felt really sick this morning for some reason.

Chills and queasiness, lethargic and drained.  I didn't know what was wrong, or what to do about it, but I knew I wanted to feel better.  I decided to try and meditate, and see if that helped.

Fell right into it, perfectly.  Sometimes it takes a while to get into it, you end up adjusting your position here and there a bunch of times, trying to find that sweet spot of comfortableness, or it takes a few tries to focus on your breathing, etc.  But there are also times like today, where you sit down straight into the perfect position, drop your eyelids, and fall right into it, like you've never left.  I immediately started to relax, and feel better.

Went for 216 breaths - 2 full mala.  I probably could've gone for a while longer, and I considered it, but by that point it was beginning to get a little more intense, and I didn't want to push it; this was about relaxation, not psychospiritual exploration.  I'll save that for another day.

When I came back to myself, I found that I did, indeed, feel better.  Not great, but a lot better.  No more chills or queasiness.  Still a bit lethargic, but it was much more like a pleasant relaxation than a forced sleepiness.

What I realize as I observe this, is the Tao of Rejuvenation, through Centering in the Void.

The period of meditation acted almost like a restart to my system.  I emptied myself of all the unpleasantness I was experiencing, centered and stabilized myself within the void of perception I'd created, and returned to myself, almost as new, cleared of a lot of the gunk I had been holding onto, and ready to move forward again.  I still only had so much to work with at the time, so I wasn't going to make myself feel completely 100% fantastic.  And I didn't get anywhere near experiencing a mystical moment of complete ego-dissolution, so it wasn't like I became an entirely new person or anything.  But that was never the goal.

I let go to create a void within myself, and allowed myself to relax into that void and simply experience it.  And when I allowed myself to return from that void, I felt renewed, and rejuvenated, and I found that the worst of my bad feelings had melted away.

And undeniably, I feel much better now.