Exercise #4 - Painstuck...

why can't i write?

i'm feeling so much and it hurts too much and i can't think of anything to say about it
i can't think of anything to say
not a single goddamned thing and i just want it out out OUT GET THE FUCK OUT OF ME
JUST STOP
just stop just go away and leave me alone
i can't take this it's just too much
i could take it if i could write about it if i could describe it if i could express it but i can't
it's just stuck it's overwhelming it's too big to fit inside my massive body and i feel like i'm going to split open
and i need to get it out but i don't know what it is and i don't know where it is and
i don't know what to say
i don't know how to say it i don't know i don't know i don't know

I hate those words so much.

this is an act of desperation trying to find the pressure-release valve in my mind to find the off button in my chest
each new line like pulling one of my own teeth
just trying to get the words to drain from my fingertips until i'm empty and numb but they won't come
the words won't come
just words about the words but not the words i need just empty useless mute words that laugh in my face
when all i want to do is scream at the top of my lungs GO FUCK YOURSELF
please just go fuck yourself to death and get away from me i hate you so fucking much
still not right still can't write that's not what i need to say just a violent reaction to the words stuck in my throat
oh gods it hurts so fucking much just make it stop just make it stop whatever you want just make it stop
just don't make me say i'm sorry
just don't make me say i'm wrong
just let me keep my pride please just let me keep my pride don't make me humiliate myself just to end the pain

I'm doing this to myself.

you did this to me but i'm doing this to myself because i know how to end it but i won't because

i don't want to
i don't want to pay that price
i'd rather respect myself in agony
than hate myself contentedly
so i'll hate you instead
and torture myself enough
for the both of us

Exercise #3...

NO

STOP

YOU CAN'T

YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME

THAT'S NOT FAIR

I DESERVE BETTER

YOU DON'T GET TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT

YOU'RE WRONG

THAT'S SO WRONG

THAT HURTS

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

HOW COULD YOU

HOW DARE YOU

WHY WOULD YOU

WHY

THAT'S NOT RIGHT

DON'T

DON'T EVER

NEVER AGAIN

NEVER

STOP.

Creative Exercise...

Felt the need to write something, especially since I didn't write yesterday.  But couldn't really figure out anything to say.  (My perennial problem.)  So, I just started typing out stream-of-consciousness, to see what it turned into, and this is what came out.

What?
What?
What
What
What
What am I putting here?
Are we recording?
Is this thing on?
Are you on?
Are you on to me?
Can anyone see me?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello hello hello
Hey hey hey
What're we doing today?
What's on the menu this evening, sir?
Lust for life
Live to lust
Where did it go?
How old am I?
Do I really want to know?
Why did it happen?
And when did it stop?
Will I ever get it back?
Is it gone for good?
Is there anything left?
Scraps on the table
Crumbs on the floor
No one to play Lover now
The X marks the door
Leave!  Leave, and never return!
But the path is blocked
with accidents
and forgiveness
and everything left unsaid
and we're trapped in here
in the fire
no way out
coughing up the smoke from our hearts as they burn
i'll die for you
i'll die with you
i am going to die with you
i always knew i would
somehow i always knew
and i did it anyways
and i did it again
and again
and i'll do it again
and again
i'll always die for you
i'll always die with you
i'll always be in you
somewhere i always knew
somewhere you never let me go
I will burn there
Forever
Ever After
Always