I.
NEED.
THIS.
This is not a revelation. I knew this to be true. Still, knowing something to be true and experiencing the truth of it firsthand remain two entirely separate things.
I knew on some intellectual level that I
needed to write. I knew it was good for me, and I knew it made me happy. But I was quite unprepared for exactly how it would affect me when I stopped.
At first, I just didn't have the time or the energy. I was overwhelmed with work, both in the office and at home, and just simply could not make time to write; what little time I spent not working I needed to rest. I just didn't have any energy left to spend on creative expressions.
But then things finally calmed down. And I
did have time to write again. But I still didn't do it. I was just so tired. And I just didn't feel like it. It still just felt like more
work. And I was
so tired. I just wanted to sleep for a week.
I still feel that way, actually.
I can't get to sleep at night. And then I can't get up in the morning. I can never get enough sleep, and I'm always tired. I can barely even try to make it to the gym anymore, much less actually work out. Everything feels like it takes ten times more energy than I have available to spend. It takes all of my strength every morning just to force myself to get up and go into the office. And now Yule is approaching, and I haven't even started thinking about it yet. I'm so behind, and I have so much work to do, and I don't feel that I could ever possibly get it all done because I'm just so fucking tired.
Sometime last week, I finally admitted that I'm depressed.
Admitting that scared me. Because I didn't know why I'm depressed. And if I don't know why, then I can't do anything about it. I just have to suffer through it. I've been depressed for Christmas before, and it's been some of the most miserable times of my life. My whole life, this has been my very favorite time of year, hands-down, no question. And to not be able to feel any of the joy of that is just a terrible experience for me. And then further, to be surrounded
everywhere by all these bright, flashing, blinking, shiny reminders of How I'm Supposed To Be Feeling only accentuates the depression, and makes it worse, almost every minute of every day. And then still having to do all of that work, but without the excitement of the season to motivate me? Ugh, it's just a downward-spiral of Yuletide hellishness. Those times, it's been easy for me to understand why the suicide rate supposedly skyrockets during the holidays.
So, I didn't want to be depressed. I didn't want to have to go through all of that. I wanted it to go away. I wanted to feel better without having to face the prospect of another miserable Yule. But eventually I couldn't ignore it anymore, and I had to accept the fact that I was clearly depressed.
But why?? Every other time I've experienced this, it's been the result of a relapse of some sort. But I haven't relapsed this time. Not even an accidental one (like the sleeping pills at Dover). So what is it? Too much coffee? My occasional Winter pipe smoking?
With some help, I've figured out that it's most likely stress-related. But if it's stress-related, then why can't I ever seem to relax or feel rested? And what do I do about it??
This is the answer to both.
Writing is a coping mechanism for me. It's pretty much my main coping mechanism at this point. Meaning, the most effective one; it's not necessarily the most-oft used. And I abandoned that coping mechanism right when I needed it most. So not only did I take on a lot of extra stress during that period of heavy work, but then I also stopped doing anything to relieve that stress. And it all started backing up, and backing up, until I was a complete mess and could barely bring myself to get out of bed in the morning, and had no idea why.
I've said it before: it doesn't matter what I write. This post is
incredibly boring. Who the fuck is going to be in any way interested about the boring minutiae of my middle-class existence? But that isn't the point. I just need to get it out. I just need to open up, and let go, and empty myself into this machine, and get it the fuck out of me, whatever it is. It doesn't matter what "it" is. It is the process of reaching inside, scooping something up, crafting it into some shape or another, and exorcising it into the aether-net that is important.
Because that is how I cope now. That is how I deal. And without it, I'm not coping. I'm not dealing. I'm stagnating, and wasting, and weighing myself down with all the tons of shit I've left unsaid.
I used to turn to drugs and alcohol in these moments. And they provided some temporary relief. Absolutely they did. But they didn't do anything to help the underlying problem; they didn't help me cope. Often, they actually made coping more difficult to accomplish, and/or made the underlying problem worse. This time, I found myself turning to video games in the same way. An escape from the pain I can't deal with. An escape from the problem I can't understand, or solve, or control. I can control my character. I can solve his problems. And every time I do, there's that familiar little rush of dopamine; a sense of having accomplished something, however ephemeral. And yes, that's certainly better for me than getting drunk or high, but just the same, it doesn't do anything to help the underlying problem, or help me cope. It's just a brief respite from the stress; some temporary relief from the pain. But as soon as I shut down the console, it's all right there, still waiting for me, unchanged, un-dealt with. Only getting bigger, and worse, leading me to spend more and more time escaping. Another downward spiral.
So, I need this. I need this process. It
helps me. It's not just a creative exercise. It's catharsis. It's therapy. It's not just some fun little hobby that I enjoy indulging from time-to-time. I know that now, more than ever, because I've experienced firsthand what happens to me when I don't do this.
And believe me, it ain't pretty.
