I've so far managed to diligently avoid posting anything about politics in this space, but I just have to get this one thing off my chest, and then I'm done.
Last election, I watched every minute of both conventions, obsessively, and was riveted for two full weeks.
This election, I haven't tuned in at all, don't plan to, and you couldn't pay me to watch a full hour of either one.
I still believe that the Right is clearly the worse of the two sides (at least, in terms of their rhetoric/platform), and so I will continue to vote Lib/Dem every two years. But neither side is actually democratic, neither side is actually concerned about doing what is right for this country or its people, and both sides are populated exclusively by liars, thieves, and egotistical asshats who are clearly interested only in maintaining and increasing their own power. And I can no longer delude myself into believing that I have any hope whatsoever of affecting that situation in the slightest.
This country is run by corporations, and the wealthy. They own us. They own you. And as long as we continue to have a capitalist global economy, they always will. That's just a fact of the 21st century.
There will never be another New Deal.
And since I can't do anything about that short of armed revolution (which, let's face it, the situation isn't anywhere near bad enough to warrant - we're hardly Syria or some shit), I'm just going to do my best to ignore it, and try to make the most of the life they allow me to live. They give me access to plenty of shiny toys and baubles to distract me and keep me docile, and hey, that's not really so bad a way to live, when you think about it. I'd rather be a pet than a stray any day. (Sure a stray is more "free," but who has the better quality of life? Which one, at the end of it all, is hanging on with the hope of just one more day, and which one is glad to finally be done with all of this?)
Sure, I could picket, and protest, and campaign, and donate, and put bumper stickers and magnets all over my car and signs on my lawn; I could spend 90% of my waking hours taking in political media (which is basically just The News at this point; it's almost impossible to find old-style, major-events-of-the-day, non-political news in this country anymore) and watching the conventions and debating all the ignorant blowhards out there... but to what end? I've done all of that. Spent years of my life doing it. It didn't change anything.
All I got from it was an ulcer, and a raging case of misanthropy.
Since I can't do anything to actually make a difference, and since all it does for me is make me miserable, I've had to just let it go, and go on with my life. I've built a good life for myself, and I'm enjoying it, and I don't want to ruin it by constantly agonizing over shit that I have no control over. They're going to destroy the world, or they're not. Either way, all I can do is make the most of what I have.
So, for now at least, I'm strictly concerning myself with local politics, where I can actually make a difference, about things that actually affect my life in a direct way.
And that's all I have to say on the subject.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
On Changing The Self...
I wrote this in an email to my little brother yesterday, in response to a comment he made to the effect that planned change isn't a worthwhile avenue to explore for trying to improve oneself, and I thought it could be worth sharing here. (Actually, I'm only posting it because I don't have time to write anything, and it's more meaningful than any here's-what-I-did-today bullshit I could come up with on the spur of the moment.)
I have to disagree with you a bit here. Yes, change happens whether we plan for it or not, but that doesn't mean that one can't make it happen at will, as well.
In order to learn how to make changes in the world we perceive as outside of ourselves, one has to be able to change oneself, first. I've spent years studying the forces of change (chaos) specifically in order to do this. It's not all black robes and binding demons. In fact, it's mostly not that kind of typical occult-y stuff. More than 90% of it is simply learning how to examine oneself critically and objectively (but safely, without letting it damage your ego), and then applying various techniques to try to change your habits, personality traits, mannerisms, beliefs, desires, etc. from what they are, into what you want them to be.
I've spent countless thousands of hours of my life doing that. Overcoming a drug addiction did not happen by chance. It happened because I tried and tried and tried, over and over and over again, constantly, for years, to make it happen. And I've done the same thing with many other major areas of my Self (becoming less co-dependent with Ingrid is a good example), and even more minor aspects (making myself become less anal-retentive about the way I eat my food, about the way I clean things, and about the way I look; changing the way I react to driving; changing the way I perceive working out, so that I enjoy it and look forward to it, rather than seeing it as hard work or a chore; etc.)
If you take a passive role in your own life, you will forever be disappointed.
Yes, change will happen whether you want it to or not, and you need to be able to adapt to those unexpected situations when they arise. No doubt about that. But the best way to be prepared to deal with those sudden left-turns that life inevitably throws at you, is to manufacture change in your own life, over and over and over again.
Make a habit of trying to change yourself. Practice it. Get good at it. Start with little things, and work your way up (the same techniques apply, but little things are easier to change). Got any little annoying habits you'd like to change? Try it. See if you can do it. Then try another one.
Then, when big Change happens, and life throws you a curveball, you'll have a good idea of how to respond. You'll be prepared by your past experience.
You'll be able to roll with it, and go with the flow.
+ + +
Here's a neat little self-change exercise I learned when I first started studying Chaos Magick Theory. Get a d6 (or a d8, or whatever size die you want), and assign a different philosophy/belief system to each side (e.g., 1=xtian, 2=buddhist, 3=republican, 4=nihilist, 5=cthulhu cultist, 6=creationist). They can be any paradigms that you want, but make sure that you're more than passingly familiar with them, and it'd be a good idea to have at least one that is diametrically opposed to your current beliefs (see "republican," above). Then every week (or every day, or whenever you want), you roll the die, and then adopt that belief system until the next time you roll the die. Try to believe it completely, for real. Try to see the world through the lens of that belief system. You'll be amazed at the degree to which the entire world changes with each roll of the die.
The idea behind this exercise, is that by changing the underlying belief system that colors our every thought, action, and perception, your personality will become less static and more fluid, more dynamic; more accepting of - and capable of - change. It's very freeing. It frees you from the idea of "this is who I am and this is the only way I can be" and shows you firsthand just how capable you really are of being whoever you want.
It will also simply allow you to familiarize yourself with the idea of changing your Self, and with the process of change in general. (Again, you'll be amazed at how much everything you see and do can change just by switching your underlying belief system.) And finally, it's also just basic exercise for your "change muscle" - it's basically "change practice." You're making willful changes to your personality that are basically meaningless (and fun, if you do it right), just so that you can learn how to do it; then you apply those same skills to changing the things about yourself that you really want to change.
I have to disagree with you a bit here. Yes, change happens whether we plan for it or not, but that doesn't mean that one can't make it happen at will, as well.
In order to learn how to make changes in the world we perceive as outside of ourselves, one has to be able to change oneself, first. I've spent years studying the forces of change (chaos) specifically in order to do this. It's not all black robes and binding demons. In fact, it's mostly not that kind of typical occult-y stuff. More than 90% of it is simply learning how to examine oneself critically and objectively (but safely, without letting it damage your ego), and then applying various techniques to try to change your habits, personality traits, mannerisms, beliefs, desires, etc. from what they are, into what you want them to be.
I've spent countless thousands of hours of my life doing that. Overcoming a drug addiction did not happen by chance. It happened because I tried and tried and tried, over and over and over again, constantly, for years, to make it happen. And I've done the same thing with many other major areas of my Self (becoming less co-dependent with Ingrid is a good example), and even more minor aspects (making myself become less anal-retentive about the way I eat my food, about the way I clean things, and about the way I look; changing the way I react to driving; changing the way I perceive working out, so that I enjoy it and look forward to it, rather than seeing it as hard work or a chore; etc.)
If you take a passive role in your own life, you will forever be disappointed.
Yes, change will happen whether you want it to or not, and you need to be able to adapt to those unexpected situations when they arise. No doubt about that. But the best way to be prepared to deal with those sudden left-turns that life inevitably throws at you, is to manufacture change in your own life, over and over and over again.
Make a habit of trying to change yourself. Practice it. Get good at it. Start with little things, and work your way up (the same techniques apply, but little things are easier to change). Got any little annoying habits you'd like to change? Try it. See if you can do it. Then try another one.
Then, when big Change happens, and life throws you a curveball, you'll have a good idea of how to respond. You'll be prepared by your past experience.
You'll be able to roll with it, and go with the flow.
+ + +
Here's a neat little self-change exercise I learned when I first started studying Chaos Magick Theory. Get a d6 (or a d8, or whatever size die you want), and assign a different philosophy/belief system to each side (e.g., 1=xtian, 2=buddhist, 3=republican, 4=nihilist, 5=cthulhu cultist, 6=creationist). They can be any paradigms that you want, but make sure that you're more than passingly familiar with them, and it'd be a good idea to have at least one that is diametrically opposed to your current beliefs (see "republican," above). Then every week (or every day, or whenever you want), you roll the die, and then adopt that belief system until the next time you roll the die. Try to believe it completely, for real. Try to see the world through the lens of that belief system. You'll be amazed at the degree to which the entire world changes with each roll of the die.
The idea behind this exercise, is that by changing the underlying belief system that colors our every thought, action, and perception, your personality will become less static and more fluid, more dynamic; more accepting of - and capable of - change. It's very freeing. It frees you from the idea of "this is who I am and this is the only way I can be" and shows you firsthand just how capable you really are of being whoever you want.
It will also simply allow you to familiarize yourself with the idea of changing your Self, and with the process of change in general. (Again, you'll be amazed at how much everything you see and do can change just by switching your underlying belief system.) And finally, it's also just basic exercise for your "change muscle" - it's basically "change practice." You're making willful changes to your personality that are basically meaningless (and fun, if you do it right), just so that you can learn how to do it; then you apply those same skills to changing the things about yourself that you really want to change.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The First Rule of Smart Club...
Serious drama at the SMART meeting last night. And, of course, I can't talk about it at all. But I felt like mentioning it anyways, just to annoy my tiny audience. (Sorry, guys.) What I can say, is that there was a new guy there (which made my sharing about the AGM interesting, let me tell you - it was hard enough to talk about that in front of the people I've gotten to know there over the past few months - it was seriously nerve-wracking to try and talk about it in front of a total stranger), and after the meeting he came up to me and started gossiping at me about the moderator. And so now I'm all, fuck, why did you tell me that?? I don't want to be in the middle of this shit.
I started writing up my AGM post, but I just now realized that I can't actually post a lot of what I've written, as it contains descriptions of things that went on there that I am oath-bound to keep secret. So, once I finish writing it all up (whenever the fuck that will be), I'm going to have to go back and edit the fuck out of it to make it safe for posting.
In other news, I have recently become obsessed with old-school, turn-based RPG video games, like the ones I used to play when I was a kid. They are just so goddamned satisfying! Enter dungeon. Kill monsters. Collect XP and Gold. Level-up and buy better equipment. Repeat.
Yes! Yes, I will repeat!!
I downloaded an emulator for one I played the fuck out of on my old Mac II when I was about 14, and installed it on my laptop - Wizardry: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord - fuck yeah! And I've been playing a demo of the latest version of the Wizardry franchise for PS3 (Labyrinth of Lost Souls), and have been enjoying that waaay more than is warranted by its anime-themed foolishness. Whenever I've got a few minutes to kill, I whip out my phone and play some Gurk, a classic 8-bit RPG. And I've been proper geeked lately over Penny Arcade's 16-bit On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness, Episode 3. Not only is it really fun to play, and totally satisfying to my 14 year-old inner gamer, but it's also funny as all hell. I honestly get sad if I don't get a chance to play it in a given day.
Ok, that's all the meaningless bullshit I have time to spew forth for today. Thanks for giving enough of a shit to read it.
I started writing up my AGM post, but I just now realized that I can't actually post a lot of what I've written, as it contains descriptions of things that went on there that I am oath-bound to keep secret. So, once I finish writing it all up (whenever the fuck that will be), I'm going to have to go back and edit the fuck out of it to make it safe for posting.
In other news, I have recently become obsessed with old-school, turn-based RPG video games, like the ones I used to play when I was a kid. They are just so goddamned satisfying! Enter dungeon. Kill monsters. Collect XP and Gold. Level-up and buy better equipment. Repeat.
Yes! Yes, I will repeat!!
I downloaded an emulator for one I played the fuck out of on my old Mac II when I was about 14, and installed it on my laptop - Wizardry: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord - fuck yeah! And I've been playing a demo of the latest version of the Wizardry franchise for PS3 (Labyrinth of Lost Souls), and have been enjoying that waaay more than is warranted by its anime-themed foolishness. Whenever I've got a few minutes to kill, I whip out my phone and play some Gurk, a classic 8-bit RPG. And I've been proper geeked lately over Penny Arcade's 16-bit On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness, Episode 3. Not only is it really fun to play, and totally satisfying to my 14 year-old inner gamer, but it's also funny as all hell. I honestly get sad if I don't get a chance to play it in a given day.
Ok, that's all the meaningless bullshit I have time to spew forth for today. Thanks for giving enough of a shit to read it.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Elephant Blurble...
Still way too much to do and nowhere near enough time to do it. (When I finished that section of code from the other instrument, they gave me another one! When, exactly, am I supposed to work on my own code before this ridiculous Friday deadline, huh?)
Have a SMART meeting tonight, so for now I'll just quickly report that, yes, I did make it through the entire AGM sober. And, more importantly, staying sober wasn't difficult at all, and didn't interfere with my ability to enjoy or participate in the event in the slightest. (My sinus infection took care of that part.) So, as I suspected (or finally managed to figure out) during the final week preceding the event, I was, indeed, over-reacting to the whole thing. I really didn't have anything to worry about.
Again, a lot more to say on the subject, but I wanted to at least address the elephant in the room before the meeting tonight.
Have a SMART meeting tonight, so for now I'll just quickly report that, yes, I did make it through the entire AGM sober. And, more importantly, staying sober wasn't difficult at all, and didn't interfere with my ability to enjoy or participate in the event in the slightest. (My sinus infection took care of that part.) So, as I suspected (or finally managed to figure out) during the final week preceding the event, I was, indeed, over-reacting to the whole thing. I really didn't have anything to worry about.
Again, a lot more to say on the subject, but I wanted to at least address the elephant in the room before the meeting tonight.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Catch-up Blurble...
I have so much I want to write about from the last week, but I just don't know when I'm going to find the time.
I had plenty of time this weekend, but no energy. I was still sick when I got home, and completely exhausted, so I decided the best way to spend the weekend was to do as little as possible, and rest as much as possible. And it helped, but I didn't bother trying to write, as that conflicted with my whole "do as little as possible" policy.
And now I have the energy and the drive and the desire (in spades), but no time. I'm only about a third of the way through coding this stupid, crazy project right now, and I just found out they want a working version to test by Friday! I don't know if I could get all that done by next Friday, much less by the end of this week! And, on top of my own instrument, they also just gave me a section of another instrument to code, as well, and that takes top priority. Because apparently, I didn't have enough to do already.
Add to all of that the fact that I'm trying to catch up on all the stuff I missed while I was out last week, and I'm basically completely overwhelmed for the foreseeable future.
Pray for me, children. Pray for me.
I had plenty of time this weekend, but no energy. I was still sick when I got home, and completely exhausted, so I decided the best way to spend the weekend was to do as little as possible, and rest as much as possible. And it helped, but I didn't bother trying to write, as that conflicted with my whole "do as little as possible" policy.
And now I have the energy and the drive and the desire (in spades), but no time. I'm only about a third of the way through coding this stupid, crazy project right now, and I just found out they want a working version to test by Friday! I don't know if I could get all that done by next Friday, much less by the end of this week! And, on top of my own instrument, they also just gave me a section of another instrument to code, as well, and that takes top priority. Because apparently, I didn't have enough to do already.
Add to all of that the fact that I'm trying to catch up on all the stuff I missed while I was out last week, and I'm basically completely overwhelmed for the foreseeable future.
Pray for me, children. Pray for me.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Away From The Desk...
So, I'm leaving for the AGM tomorrow morning, and I won't be back until next Friday.
There's apparently internet at the site, but I don't know how reliable it is, or how much of a pain in the ass it is to access, so I'm not entirely sure whether I'm going to be able to post or not. And even if I can, I'm probably going to be pretty occupied with other things while I'm there, so I'm not sure how much writing I'm going to be getting done.
I honestly just don't know. As with every other AGM, I really have no idea what to expect. We'll just have to see.
But, if you don't hear from me next week, you'll know why.
In the meantime, enjoy this little piece of beauty:
There's apparently internet at the site, but I don't know how reliable it is, or how much of a pain in the ass it is to access, so I'm not entirely sure whether I'm going to be able to post or not. And even if I can, I'm probably going to be pretty occupied with other things while I'm there, so I'm not sure how much writing I'm going to be getting done.
I honestly just don't know. As with every other AGM, I really have no idea what to expect. We'll just have to see.
But, if you don't hear from me next week, you'll know why.
In the meantime, enjoy this little piece of beauty:
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Busy Backson...
Between the huge clusterfuck rush-project at work and trying to get ready for the AGM on Saturday, I'm just totally swamped, and barely have the time to eat dinner, much less post anything right now.
I'll try to at least post a little something tomorrow about what to expect for next week, but I'll have to play it by ear.
Wish me luck!
I'll try to at least post a little something tomorrow about what to expect for next week, but I'll have to play it by ear.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
What I Should Have Said...
I realize now that I failed at SMART last night.
Because it was my last meeting before the AGM, I felt like I should continue talking about my concerns about that (which unfortunately I can't discuss here - erg). But, since my meeting with my old Temple the weekend before last, and my reflections on that meeting over the last week, I largely don't have any more concerns about the AGM left to discuss. I feel pretty confident and excited about it right now. So, I mentioned that. And talked a little about how tired I was because of work lately. And that was about it for my sharing.
But now I know that what I should have talked about, was the fact that throughout the entire meeting, I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted to get the Tuesday night ribs 'n' wings dinner special at the bbq place around the corner as soon as the meeting was over.
I have a serious love/hate relationship with this bbq place. They are Satanic. Even their name sounds sinister: Black Hog. Their bbq is so good and it is so not what I should be eating right now. I live very nearby the place, and it seems as if they've intentionally timed their cooking to coincide with my commute, because every night when I get home from work, the first thing I notice is the smell of woodsmoke and charred meat. Fucking bastards. Here I am, trying to eat right and get in shape, and every night they viciously assault me with their deliciousness. It's cruel.
And last night was no different. As soon as I got out of my car - BAM - like a smack across the face, there came that intoxicating aroma of flame-scorched flesh. And what's worse, I had a pretty shitty day yesterday, and by that point I was tired and wasn't in a very good mood. And all I had to look forward to for the rest of the night, was a SMART meeting that I really didn't feel like going to, and a pre-packaged, frozen dinner afterwards. And that made bbq seem like an even better idea. A little treat, just to pick myself up. I deserved it, didn't I?
But that's exactly the problem, and exactly why I couldn't stop thinking about it all through the meeting. I wasn't really hungry, and I wasn't really craving bbq. I was trying to make myself feel better. I was trying to elevate my mood. And I've found that now that I'm no longer using mood-elevating substances like drugs and booze, I'm more and more lately turning to food to achieve the same results. It's just another example of my inability to endure any unhappiness at all, and my compulsive use of external influences (or substances) that I know are not good for me in the long run, just to make myself feel better right now.
And it's really pissing me off.
I'm working really hard to try and get in shape right now, and every time I give in to my need to make myself feel better by eating some totally-delicious-and-totally-bad-for-me food, I feel as if I'm un-doing all of that hard work, and making all of that pain and sacrifice worth nothing. And more and more I'm feeling like a failure whenever I do this, for once again failing to endure even the most minor of emotional discomfort, and for sacrificing my health and shooting myself in the foot just because I cannot abide any unhappiness. And those feelings of guilt and failure end up tainting my experience of the meal, so in the end, I don't end up feeling better anyways. It's the exact same cycle I'm experiencing in my recovery from drug and alcohol abuse.
So, I sat there throughout the meeting, dreaming of ways to get out of there early and sneak off to get high on bbq, and knowing full-well that I shouldn't. But I managed to stay until the end. And then the whole walk home I wrestled with it. I wanted so badly to keep walking and round the corner and pick up a bag of ribs and wings and bring them back home and devour them.
But I was too aware of the problem. Too aware of what I was really doing, and what it really meant. In the end, I couldn't bring myself to do it, in the exact same way that I can't seem to bring myself to take a drink, even when I really want to: it would cost me so much self-esteem and self-respect to do it - to fail at this task and take that drink, or eat that nasty-delicious food - that it's just not worth doing anymore.
So, instead of making myself feel better with food, I tried to make myself feel better by focusing on the positive aspects of my decision. I tried to feel good about the fact that I was saving money by not eating out, again. (We eat out every week, sometimes two or three times. There are a dozen great restaurants within a two block radius of us, and it is so hard to make ourselves eat our crappy grocery-store dinners when we have money in our pockets and stupid-delicious food all around us.) I tried to feel good about the fact that I wasn't undoing all my pain and effort from my workouts. I tried to feel good about the fact that I was making progress, and actually succeeding in my efforts to endure unhappiness for a change, rather than immediately balming it away by any means necessary. And I did feel good about those things. But none of them helped to improve my mood the way I wanted, and I was still feeling like a grumpy old shit when I went to bed last night.
But today?
Today I feel good.
Today, I'm proud of myself for what I accomplished last night.
And just like with my working-out, I feel stronger today for the pain I forced myself to endure yesterday.
Because it was my last meeting before the AGM, I felt like I should continue talking about my concerns about that (which unfortunately I can't discuss here - erg). But, since my meeting with my old Temple the weekend before last, and my reflections on that meeting over the last week, I largely don't have any more concerns about the AGM left to discuss. I feel pretty confident and excited about it right now. So, I mentioned that. And talked a little about how tired I was because of work lately. And that was about it for my sharing.
But now I know that what I should have talked about, was the fact that throughout the entire meeting, I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted to get the Tuesday night ribs 'n' wings dinner special at the bbq place around the corner as soon as the meeting was over.
I have a serious love/hate relationship with this bbq place. They are Satanic. Even their name sounds sinister: Black Hog. Their bbq is so good and it is so not what I should be eating right now. I live very nearby the place, and it seems as if they've intentionally timed their cooking to coincide with my commute, because every night when I get home from work, the first thing I notice is the smell of woodsmoke and charred meat. Fucking bastards. Here I am, trying to eat right and get in shape, and every night they viciously assault me with their deliciousness. It's cruel.
And last night was no different. As soon as I got out of my car - BAM - like a smack across the face, there came that intoxicating aroma of flame-scorched flesh. And what's worse, I had a pretty shitty day yesterday, and by that point I was tired and wasn't in a very good mood. And all I had to look forward to for the rest of the night, was a SMART meeting that I really didn't feel like going to, and a pre-packaged, frozen dinner afterwards. And that made bbq seem like an even better idea. A little treat, just to pick myself up. I deserved it, didn't I?
But that's exactly the problem, and exactly why I couldn't stop thinking about it all through the meeting. I wasn't really hungry, and I wasn't really craving bbq. I was trying to make myself feel better. I was trying to elevate my mood. And I've found that now that I'm no longer using mood-elevating substances like drugs and booze, I'm more and more lately turning to food to achieve the same results. It's just another example of my inability to endure any unhappiness at all, and my compulsive use of external influences (or substances) that I know are not good for me in the long run, just to make myself feel better right now.
And it's really pissing me off.
I'm working really hard to try and get in shape right now, and every time I give in to my need to make myself feel better by eating some totally-delicious-and-totally-bad-for-me food, I feel as if I'm un-doing all of that hard work, and making all of that pain and sacrifice worth nothing. And more and more I'm feeling like a failure whenever I do this, for once again failing to endure even the most minor of emotional discomfort, and for sacrificing my health and shooting myself in the foot just because I cannot abide any unhappiness. And those feelings of guilt and failure end up tainting my experience of the meal, so in the end, I don't end up feeling better anyways. It's the exact same cycle I'm experiencing in my recovery from drug and alcohol abuse.
So, I sat there throughout the meeting, dreaming of ways to get out of there early and sneak off to get high on bbq, and knowing full-well that I shouldn't. But I managed to stay until the end. And then the whole walk home I wrestled with it. I wanted so badly to keep walking and round the corner and pick up a bag of ribs and wings and bring them back home and devour them.
But I was too aware of the problem. Too aware of what I was really doing, and what it really meant. In the end, I couldn't bring myself to do it, in the exact same way that I can't seem to bring myself to take a drink, even when I really want to: it would cost me so much self-esteem and self-respect to do it - to fail at this task and take that drink, or eat that nasty-delicious food - that it's just not worth doing anymore.
So, instead of making myself feel better with food, I tried to make myself feel better by focusing on the positive aspects of my decision. I tried to feel good about the fact that I was saving money by not eating out, again. (We eat out every week, sometimes two or three times. There are a dozen great restaurants within a two block radius of us, and it is so hard to make ourselves eat our crappy grocery-store dinners when we have money in our pockets and stupid-delicious food all around us.) I tried to feel good about the fact that I wasn't undoing all my pain and effort from my workouts. I tried to feel good about the fact that I was making progress, and actually succeeding in my efforts to endure unhappiness for a change, rather than immediately balming it away by any means necessary. And I did feel good about those things. But none of them helped to improve my mood the way I wanted, and I was still feeling like a grumpy old shit when I went to bed last night.
But today?
Today I feel good.
Today, I'm proud of myself for what I accomplished last night.
And just like with my working-out, I feel stronger today for the pain I forced myself to endure yesterday.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
What The Blurble??...
I ran out on my lunch break just now to grab a smoothie, and I decided to gas up while I was at it, since I was running very low, and I wouldn't have time to stop after work, because I'd be hurrying to my SMART meeting.
On my way to the gas station, I ran out of gas.
Today, I name thee, "Irony."
On my way to the gas station, I ran out of gas.
Today, I name thee, "Irony."
Monday, August 13, 2012
Friendships In Chaos, pt. 3...
It happens to everyone in recovery, at some point.
After sobering up, you run into an old friend, and realize that they have the same problem.
Maybe it's a new development. Or maybe they've always been an addict or alcoholic, but you just couldn't see it before, through the rose-tinted glasses of your own addictions. Either way, the question you now have to face is: what do you do?
When I got together with my old Temple last weekend, it was immediately obvious to me that in the last couple of years, while I was away, one of my old friends has become an alcoholic. The first thing I noticed, as soon as I saw him, was that he's put on at least fifty pounds. He's always been a thin, handsome guy, so the weight is really apparent now. But he doesn't look fat; he just looks bloated. When I got there, he was finishing up a scotch. I assume it was his first, but I don't really know, because as soon as he finished that one, he poured himself another. And twenty minutes later, when he'd finished that one, he poured himself a third. Then we went out to dinner, where he had a 32 oz. beer, and two large bottles of sake, all by himself.
Now, that's a lot for one person to drink in just a few hours, but that doesn't automatically make him an alcoholic. The nail in the coffin was that, even after all of that, he didn't seem drunk. He was a bit red in the face, and he was obviously loose and feeling good, but he didn't seem sloppy; he wasn't slurring his words or stumbling or anything like that. So, either it takes that much alcohol just in order for him to get a good buzz on, or he's really good at hiding just how drunk he really is. Either way, combine that with the weight gain, and it's clear this is a chronic thing with him. And just in case it wasn't certain already, at one point he made a "joke" about how he doesn't even taste his first two beers of the night; that as soon as he gets home from work, he immediately pounds two beers, and then he interacts with his wife and sons. He seemed to think that was funny, but I'm not sure why.
So, now the big question: what do I do?
The answer is surprisingly simple. I don't do anything.
Now, he's my friend, and I'm obviously worried about him. But I have to remember that there really isn't anything I can do. I'm aware of the situation, and I'm going to keep my eyes open, but that's about it in terms of my available options here. If an opportunity arises at some point down the road for me to somehow subtly let him know that I know what he's going through, and that I'm available for him if he needs anything, then great. If not, that's okay, too.
Ultimately, he's responsible for himself, and no one will be able to help him unless he believes he has a problem and he wants help with it. If I were to confront him about his drinking in some way, all that would serve to do would be to alienate him and strain, or possibly even end, our friendship. And if he does end up needing help at some point down the road, then that's the worst thing I could possibly have done, because then I wouldn't be there to be able to help him anymore.
There's also the hammer/nail problem of being a newly recovered addict. As in, "when you're a Hammer, everything looks like a Nail." There is nothing worse than the self-righteous douchebag with a handful of weeks sober, who suddenly decides to start going around diagnosing everyone else as alcoholics, as though being a drunk somehow made them an expert. But even beyond simply not wanting to be that asshole, what's more important is that I could be wrong. It doesn't seem all that likely in this situation, but it's definitely possible. Maybe he doesn't usually drink like that; maybe he had a hard week and was just blowing off some extra steam that night. There's no way for me to know, and it would be premature for me to judge him after just a couple of hours. And newly sober people do have a tendency to start seeing addicts and alcoholics everywhere. And yes, part of that is because they are everywhere, and because we don't tend to notice them as easily when we are one of them, and then they suddenly stand out like sore thumbs once we clean ourselves up. But it's equally as true that we tend to project our issues onto other people, and see problems that aren't really there. Not everyone who enjoys a few drinks has a problem, and it's easy for the person who does have a problem to lose sight of that. And there's really no way to tell if someone really has a problem, or if you just think they have a problem, and so it's usually best to just keep your mouth shut and observe for a while, and just try to make yourself available.
Another thing that is important to remember in this situation, but that is often forgotten, is that there is a big difference between being addicted to alcohol and being a dysfunctional drunk. It seems pretty clear to me that my friend has become addicted to alcohol. But, as far as I can tell, the only negative effect that seems to be having on his life, is his health. (And maybe his wallet.) And if that's all - if he's still doing his job well, and maintaining relationships, and being a good husband and father and friend (all of which seem to be true) - then who am I to judge him? We each have to decide how much our own health is worth to us, and it's no one else's place to tell us how much it should be worth to us. (Our families might have some say in that decision, but that's about as far as it goes. As a friend, I'm certainly not in any place to be telling him how to feel about himself.) And so if he's enjoying his drinking, and he doesn't mind the toll it's taking on his health, or he thinks that is a reasonable price to pay for the amount of joy or pleasure he is getting out of it, and it isn't interfering with his ability to maintain his responsibilities and be a decent human being, then that's entirely his decision to make, and I really have no reason to be sticking my nose into his business.
And there's one more wrinkle to this situation that applies to this friend in particular. I can't forget that he is a powerful chaos magickian. And we magickians (chaos magickians in particular, I think) have a much greater tendency to get ourselves into trouble. As a general rule, we push boundaries. We try to find the edge of things, and then live there. (Another way I don't fit the general model, as I tend to bounce back and forth from edge to edge in order to find the middle.) But we also have a much greater tendency to find our own solutions to the problems we create for ourselves. We get ourselves into trouble more often than the average, but we're also good at finding ways to smooth those problems over. Self-empowerment is what we do. I've seen many, many other magickians in similar situations over the years; situations where just about anyone else would be in over their head and need to ask for help, but the magickian is able to navigate the situation safely themselves, and find their own way to get better. So, if it were anyone else, I would be much more worried. But because I know he is a damned good magickian, I can feel confident in the fact that he has a much greater chance of successfully pulling himself out of this hole he's digging right now, if and when he ever feels the need to.
So, for now, I'm just going to keep my eye on him, and just try to be there if and when he decides he needs my help. If I get a chance at any point during the AGM next week, maybe I'll try to tell him a little bit of my story, just to let him know that I've recently been in the same situation.
At the very least, I want to pay attention to him, as a living, breathing example of the possible future I only recently so narrowly escaped.
After sobering up, you run into an old friend, and realize that they have the same problem.
Maybe it's a new development. Or maybe they've always been an addict or alcoholic, but you just couldn't see it before, through the rose-tinted glasses of your own addictions. Either way, the question you now have to face is: what do you do?
When I got together with my old Temple last weekend, it was immediately obvious to me that in the last couple of years, while I was away, one of my old friends has become an alcoholic. The first thing I noticed, as soon as I saw him, was that he's put on at least fifty pounds. He's always been a thin, handsome guy, so the weight is really apparent now. But he doesn't look fat; he just looks bloated. When I got there, he was finishing up a scotch. I assume it was his first, but I don't really know, because as soon as he finished that one, he poured himself another. And twenty minutes later, when he'd finished that one, he poured himself a third. Then we went out to dinner, where he had a 32 oz. beer, and two large bottles of sake, all by himself.
Now, that's a lot for one person to drink in just a few hours, but that doesn't automatically make him an alcoholic. The nail in the coffin was that, even after all of that, he didn't seem drunk. He was a bit red in the face, and he was obviously loose and feeling good, but he didn't seem sloppy; he wasn't slurring his words or stumbling or anything like that. So, either it takes that much alcohol just in order for him to get a good buzz on, or he's really good at hiding just how drunk he really is. Either way, combine that with the weight gain, and it's clear this is a chronic thing with him. And just in case it wasn't certain already, at one point he made a "joke" about how he doesn't even taste his first two beers of the night; that as soon as he gets home from work, he immediately pounds two beers, and then he interacts with his wife and sons. He seemed to think that was funny, but I'm not sure why.
So, now the big question: what do I do?
The answer is surprisingly simple. I don't do anything.
Now, he's my friend, and I'm obviously worried about him. But I have to remember that there really isn't anything I can do. I'm aware of the situation, and I'm going to keep my eyes open, but that's about it in terms of my available options here. If an opportunity arises at some point down the road for me to somehow subtly let him know that I know what he's going through, and that I'm available for him if he needs anything, then great. If not, that's okay, too.
Ultimately, he's responsible for himself, and no one will be able to help him unless he believes he has a problem and he wants help with it. If I were to confront him about his drinking in some way, all that would serve to do would be to alienate him and strain, or possibly even end, our friendship. And if he does end up needing help at some point down the road, then that's the worst thing I could possibly have done, because then I wouldn't be there to be able to help him anymore.
There's also the hammer/nail problem of being a newly recovered addict. As in, "when you're a Hammer, everything looks like a Nail." There is nothing worse than the self-righteous douchebag with a handful of weeks sober, who suddenly decides to start going around diagnosing everyone else as alcoholics, as though being a drunk somehow made them an expert. But even beyond simply not wanting to be that asshole, what's more important is that I could be wrong. It doesn't seem all that likely in this situation, but it's definitely possible. Maybe he doesn't usually drink like that; maybe he had a hard week and was just blowing off some extra steam that night. There's no way for me to know, and it would be premature for me to judge him after just a couple of hours. And newly sober people do have a tendency to start seeing addicts and alcoholics everywhere. And yes, part of that is because they are everywhere, and because we don't tend to notice them as easily when we are one of them, and then they suddenly stand out like sore thumbs once we clean ourselves up. But it's equally as true that we tend to project our issues onto other people, and see problems that aren't really there. Not everyone who enjoys a few drinks has a problem, and it's easy for the person who does have a problem to lose sight of that. And there's really no way to tell if someone really has a problem, or if you just think they have a problem, and so it's usually best to just keep your mouth shut and observe for a while, and just try to make yourself available.
Another thing that is important to remember in this situation, but that is often forgotten, is that there is a big difference between being addicted to alcohol and being a dysfunctional drunk. It seems pretty clear to me that my friend has become addicted to alcohol. But, as far as I can tell, the only negative effect that seems to be having on his life, is his health. (And maybe his wallet.) And if that's all - if he's still doing his job well, and maintaining relationships, and being a good husband and father and friend (all of which seem to be true) - then who am I to judge him? We each have to decide how much our own health is worth to us, and it's no one else's place to tell us how much it should be worth to us. (Our families might have some say in that decision, but that's about as far as it goes. As a friend, I'm certainly not in any place to be telling him how to feel about himself.) And so if he's enjoying his drinking, and he doesn't mind the toll it's taking on his health, or he thinks that is a reasonable price to pay for the amount of joy or pleasure he is getting out of it, and it isn't interfering with his ability to maintain his responsibilities and be a decent human being, then that's entirely his decision to make, and I really have no reason to be sticking my nose into his business.
And there's one more wrinkle to this situation that applies to this friend in particular. I can't forget that he is a powerful chaos magickian. And we magickians (chaos magickians in particular, I think) have a much greater tendency to get ourselves into trouble. As a general rule, we push boundaries. We try to find the edge of things, and then live there. (Another way I don't fit the general model, as I tend to bounce back and forth from edge to edge in order to find the middle.) But we also have a much greater tendency to find our own solutions to the problems we create for ourselves. We get ourselves into trouble more often than the average, but we're also good at finding ways to smooth those problems over. Self-empowerment is what we do. I've seen many, many other magickians in similar situations over the years; situations where just about anyone else would be in over their head and need to ask for help, but the magickian is able to navigate the situation safely themselves, and find their own way to get better. So, if it were anyone else, I would be much more worried. But because I know he is a damned good magickian, I can feel confident in the fact that he has a much greater chance of successfully pulling himself out of this hole he's digging right now, if and when he ever feels the need to.
So, for now, I'm just going to keep my eye on him, and just try to be there if and when he decides he needs my help. If I get a chance at any point during the AGM next week, maybe I'll try to tell him a little bit of my story, just to let him know that I've recently been in the same situation.
At the very least, I want to pay attention to him, as a living, breathing example of the possible future I only recently so narrowly escaped.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
We May Just Go Where No One's Been...
This is a song about magick, life, and the endless possibilities inherent in humanity.
Black
then
white are
all I see
in my infancy.
Red and yellow then came to be,
reaching out to me.
Lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope.
Watch it bend.
Over-thinking,
over-analyzing,
separates the body from the mind.
Withering
my intuition,
missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will
to feel that moment.
Drawing way outside the lines.
Black
then
white are
all I see
in my infancy.
Red and yellow then came to be,
reaching out to me.
lets me see
there is
so much
more and
beckons me
to look through to these
infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope.
Watch it bend.
Over-thinking,
over-analyzing,
separates the body from the mind.
Withering
my intuition,
leaving opportunities behind.
Feed my will to
feel this moment
urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace
the random.
Reaching out to embrace
whatever may come.
I embrace my
desire to...
I embrace my
desire to
feel the rhythm, to
feel connected
enough to step aside and
weep like a widow, to
feel inspired, to
fathom the power, to
witness the beauty, to
bathe in the fountain, to
swing on the spiral, to
swing on the spiral, to
swing on the spiral of
our divinity and
still be a human.
With my feet upon the ground
I lose myself between the sounds
and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up
and reaching out,
I'm reaching for
the random or
whatever will bewilder me.
Whatever will bewilder me.
And following our will and whim
we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end
and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going.
Spiral out. Keep going.
Spiral out. Keep going.
Spiral out. Keep going.
-"Lateralus"
Tool, Lateralus
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Friendships In Chaos, pt. 2...
We also did a ritual last weekend, my friends and I.
I haven't done that in a very long time. Not even by myself, let alone with my old Temple-mates.
It wasn't even a proper ritual, really. Just a little, nothing, throw-away rite. But I was amazed at how it made me feel. To be in that place. To be with those people.
To be doing magick.
I had completely forgotten just how much I love doing that. How much I love even just the sensation of doing it! The feeling of energy flowing through me, like a conduit. Finding the sense of the "flow" of the ritual, and then letting it pull me along. The pleasure of power coming into me, and erupting out of me. The drama, the spectacle, the art, the dance and the poetry of The Ritual.
It felt like making love with a best friend I hadn't seen in years.
When it was over, I found myself swallowing back tears. And once again, I was struck by the sudden and almost overwhelming realization of just how desperately I missed this thing that I had willingly let go, honestly believing that I no longer had any use for it.
And maybe I didn't have any use for it back then. And maybe I still don't. But it's clear to me now, that I need to find a reason to do it. Because it is obviously a lot more important to me than I had allowed myself to believe. It is clearly filling a hole in my life that I didn't know was there; that I thought I had already filled long ago.
I know now that I need to do this. I don't know why I need to do it yet, but I know I need to do it.
And I can't help but notice that this all happened only two weeks before I get the opportunity to spend an entire week doing nothing but playing with magick, with a group of the best magickians from all over the world. Isn't that strange?
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
I haven't done that in a very long time. Not even by myself, let alone with my old Temple-mates.
It wasn't even a proper ritual, really. Just a little, nothing, throw-away rite. But I was amazed at how it made me feel. To be in that place. To be with those people.
To be doing magick.
I had completely forgotten just how much I love doing that. How much I love even just the sensation of doing it! The feeling of energy flowing through me, like a conduit. Finding the sense of the "flow" of the ritual, and then letting it pull me along. The pleasure of power coming into me, and erupting out of me. The drama, the spectacle, the art, the dance and the poetry of The Ritual.
It felt like making love with a best friend I hadn't seen in years.
When it was over, I found myself swallowing back tears. And once again, I was struck by the sudden and almost overwhelming realization of just how desperately I missed this thing that I had willingly let go, honestly believing that I no longer had any use for it.
And maybe I didn't have any use for it back then. And maybe I still don't. But it's clear to me now, that I need to find a reason to do it. Because it is obviously a lot more important to me than I had allowed myself to believe. It is clearly filling a hole in my life that I didn't know was there; that I thought I had already filled long ago.
I know now that I need to do this. I don't know why I need to do it yet, but I know I need to do it.
And I can't help but notice that this all happened only two weeks before I get the opportunity to spend an entire week doing nothing but playing with magick, with a group of the best magickians from all over the world. Isn't that strange?
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Friendships In Chaos, pt. 1...
Even though I can't talk about my concerns about the upcoming AGM, I had an experience with the IOT last weekend that I actually can talk about. As usual, I can't discuss what we were doing, but for whatever reason, I had cause to get together with my old Temple this weekend, and that brought up a lot of feelings that went beyond simple nostalgia.
I realized, first and foremost, just how much I miss my friends. It's a shame that my friendships got all wrapped up in the Temple the way they did, but it just worked out that way; most of my best friends were in the Temple, and the rest of my relationships with the larger group of my friends were through my friendships with my Temple-mates. And so when the Temple slowly dissolved, and I lost interest in (and reasons to do) magick, then I also suddenly lost my connection to almost all of my friends. They all live at least an hour away from me, so it's a bit of an investment of time and energy (and finances as well, with current fuel prices - even with my new fuel-efficient car) to go see them. And over the years I'd just gotten used to having this set reason to see them all regularly: the Temple and the IOT. So, with that gone, I no longer had a regular excuse to get together with them. If we were going to see each other, I was going to have to make the effort to stay in touch, and make the trips out there and back, just for the sole purpose of hanging out together.
But I didn't want to do that. For a lot of reasons. A lot of it boils down to the fact that I just don't do that. Maybe I don't do it just because I've never had a reason to before, I don't know; but I know that it isn't something I do. I like having friends, but I don't feel like I need friends in order to be happy. So, if it takes any significant amount of effort to maintain a friendship, I just won't bother. And I can't overlook the fact that I was high and drunk during a lot of this time, as well, which affected things in a variety of ways. It left me with even less energy to expend towards maintaining long-distance friendships, as well as numbing me to any sense of loneliness I may have otherwise felt; I was comfortably drunk and/or high, so I never felt like I was missing anything by not having relationships with these people anymore. And it was also creating a lot of other negative effects in my life, as well, and I wasn't exactly eager to share those parts of myself with my friends, people whom I'd like to impress, if I'm able. And beyond being a fat and lazy drunk, I was also going through a lot of other issues at the time that I didn't really feel like advertising: identity crises, marriage problems, spiritual voids, etc. Frankly, I just didn't want anyone to see me like that.
And it's only now, after seeing everyone again this weekend, and the "looking back" that naturally flows from that experience, that I realize - it wasn't just that I didn't feel like I needed friends, or that I felt it wasn't worth the energy to maintain those relationships - it's that, for a variety of reasons having to do with my own feelings about myself, I actively did not want any friends. I wanted to be alone. So, I just went about my life, and didn't bother trying to maintain these friendships, and didn't think much about it. And before I knew it, two years had gone by. And if it weren't for the fact that I had to get together with them again for the AGM this year, it almost certainly would've been even longer before I saw any of them again.
But seeing everyone again this weekend also made me realize, I don't feel that way anymore. I miss my friends. And I want to be a part of their life again. And I want them to be a part of mine. And it is very much worth my time and energy to make that happen.
But I'm worried that I won't be accepted. I'm really not the same person that I was two years ago. And I know they're all expecting me to be. Not because they're trying to force me into some pre-determined mold or anything; that's not what I mean. It's just, that's the person they've known me to be for years, so who else could they expect me to be? But I'm really not him anymore. I'm not dark the way that I used to be. I'm not a pervert the way I used to be. I'm not into the same things I used to be into. I'm sober for fuck's sake. I'm not even really a magickian anymore. I've mellowed out and matured so much in my old age (I'm not even forty yet, but I feel like an old man). And I'm worried that when they get to know this new version of me, that they'll find him boring, and lame. (And, I have to admit, a part of me is worried that I might feel the same way about them, as well.) Being around them makes me feel pressured to be the person I was. And I have to try keep that from changing me too much; I have to let it affect me a little (what's the point of having a relationship with someone if you don't let them affect you at all?), but I can't let it affect me so much that I compromise myself in order to fit my perception of their expectations of me, or in order to gain their approval. I need to be myself - or at least the version of myself that they bring out in me - and I need to be okay with the fact that maybe some people won't like me as much anymore.
But I definitely know that I need to try now. Because being with them again just felt good. And it felt like the right thing to do. And it made me realize that, even though I haven't let myself feel it for a long time, I really do miss them.
I realized, first and foremost, just how much I miss my friends. It's a shame that my friendships got all wrapped up in the Temple the way they did, but it just worked out that way; most of my best friends were in the Temple, and the rest of my relationships with the larger group of my friends were through my friendships with my Temple-mates. And so when the Temple slowly dissolved, and I lost interest in (and reasons to do) magick, then I also suddenly lost my connection to almost all of my friends. They all live at least an hour away from me, so it's a bit of an investment of time and energy (and finances as well, with current fuel prices - even with my new fuel-efficient car) to go see them. And over the years I'd just gotten used to having this set reason to see them all regularly: the Temple and the IOT. So, with that gone, I no longer had a regular excuse to get together with them. If we were going to see each other, I was going to have to make the effort to stay in touch, and make the trips out there and back, just for the sole purpose of hanging out together.
But I didn't want to do that. For a lot of reasons. A lot of it boils down to the fact that I just don't do that. Maybe I don't do it just because I've never had a reason to before, I don't know; but I know that it isn't something I do. I like having friends, but I don't feel like I need friends in order to be happy. So, if it takes any significant amount of effort to maintain a friendship, I just won't bother. And I can't overlook the fact that I was high and drunk during a lot of this time, as well, which affected things in a variety of ways. It left me with even less energy to expend towards maintaining long-distance friendships, as well as numbing me to any sense of loneliness I may have otherwise felt; I was comfortably drunk and/or high, so I never felt like I was missing anything by not having relationships with these people anymore. And it was also creating a lot of other negative effects in my life, as well, and I wasn't exactly eager to share those parts of myself with my friends, people whom I'd like to impress, if I'm able. And beyond being a fat and lazy drunk, I was also going through a lot of other issues at the time that I didn't really feel like advertising: identity crises, marriage problems, spiritual voids, etc. Frankly, I just didn't want anyone to see me like that.
And it's only now, after seeing everyone again this weekend, and the "looking back" that naturally flows from that experience, that I realize - it wasn't just that I didn't feel like I needed friends, or that I felt it wasn't worth the energy to maintain those relationships - it's that, for a variety of reasons having to do with my own feelings about myself, I actively did not want any friends. I wanted to be alone. So, I just went about my life, and didn't bother trying to maintain these friendships, and didn't think much about it. And before I knew it, two years had gone by. And if it weren't for the fact that I had to get together with them again for the AGM this year, it almost certainly would've been even longer before I saw any of them again.
But seeing everyone again this weekend also made me realize, I don't feel that way anymore. I miss my friends. And I want to be a part of their life again. And I want them to be a part of mine. And it is very much worth my time and energy to make that happen.
But I'm worried that I won't be accepted. I'm really not the same person that I was two years ago. And I know they're all expecting me to be. Not because they're trying to force me into some pre-determined mold or anything; that's not what I mean. It's just, that's the person they've known me to be for years, so who else could they expect me to be? But I'm really not him anymore. I'm not dark the way that I used to be. I'm not a pervert the way I used to be. I'm not into the same things I used to be into. I'm sober for fuck's sake. I'm not even really a magickian anymore. I've mellowed out and matured so much in my old age (I'm not even forty yet, but I feel like an old man). And I'm worried that when they get to know this new version of me, that they'll find him boring, and lame. (And, I have to admit, a part of me is worried that I might feel the same way about them, as well.) Being around them makes me feel pressured to be the person I was. And I have to try keep that from changing me too much; I have to let it affect me a little (what's the point of having a relationship with someone if you don't let them affect you at all?), but I can't let it affect me so much that I compromise myself in order to fit my perception of their expectations of me, or in order to gain their approval. I need to be myself - or at least the version of myself that they bring out in me - and I need to be okay with the fact that maybe some people won't like me as much anymore.
But I definitely know that I need to try now. Because being with them again just felt good. And it felt like the right thing to do. And it made me realize that, even though I haven't let myself feel it for a long time, I really do miss them.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Do You Agree To Keep Silent?...
The IOT's Annual Grand Meeting, our worldwide get together, is coming back to the US this year, and my local Temple (such that it is - it pretty much dissolved after I stepped down) is once again in charge of hosting it.
It's just a couple of weeks away now, and I'm really excited about it, and really looking forward to it. But I've also got some serious concerns. And I've been turning them over and over again in my mind rather obsessively for a couple of months now, with greater and greater urgency as the date approaches.
And I wanted to write about those concerns here. That's the "something important that I very much want to write about" from my post yesterday. But I'm only just now realizing, as I sit down to finally write about them, that I actually can't write about them. At least not here, publicly.
I can talk about what the IOT is, but I can't talk about what it does. I can talk about the things that I do at IOT meetings, but I can't talk about anything anyone else does (unless I get their permission first), and I can't talk about the things that go on at meetings in general. And it's all of those things that I'm concerned about, and all of those things that I want to write about, and all of those things that I can't talk about.
Well, technically, I could, but it would be a violation of my Oaths, and so I really, really don't want to. It'd be a huge violation of trust, and would make me feel like piece of shit, and just isn't worth the little bit of catharsis I would get out of it.
Sorry for the teaser.
It's just a couple of weeks away now, and I'm really excited about it, and really looking forward to it. But I've also got some serious concerns. And I've been turning them over and over again in my mind rather obsessively for a couple of months now, with greater and greater urgency as the date approaches.
And I wanted to write about those concerns here. That's the "something important that I very much want to write about" from my post yesterday. But I'm only just now realizing, as I sit down to finally write about them, that I actually can't write about them. At least not here, publicly.
I can talk about what the IOT is, but I can't talk about what it does. I can talk about the things that I do at IOT meetings, but I can't talk about anything anyone else does (unless I get their permission first), and I can't talk about the things that go on at meetings in general. And it's all of those things that I'm concerned about, and all of those things that I want to write about, and all of those things that I can't talk about.
Well, technically, I could, but it would be a violation of my Oaths, and so I really, really don't want to. It'd be a huge violation of trust, and would make me feel like piece of shit, and just isn't worth the little bit of catharsis I would get out of it.
Sorry for the teaser.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Serious Blurblery...
Argh. I have something important that I very much want to write about, but I can't find the time today. I'm still way behind on my work, and I've got to rush out of here for another appointment tonight; I'm still exhausted from staying up late every night to watch the Olympics, and then totally obliterating my sleep schedule to view the rover landing, etc., etc., blah blah blah.
Maybe tomorrow.
I'm getting all blocked up. I have writer's constipation.
Ew, no. Scratch that. Forget I said it.
I'll be back soon, and I'll get this out of me, one way or another.
Maybe with a creativity laxative. Art-Lax.
Ew! Stop doing that!
Your writing is shit. That's what I'm saying. In case that wasn't clear.
Yes, yes, thank you, I get it. Very helpful. Goodbye now.
I can't believe I'm actually going to post this...
+ + +
Confidential to my little brother: just so you know, if you ever do anything that stupid ever again, I'll kill you.
Because I love you.
You dumb fuck.
Get well soon.
Maybe tomorrow.
I'm getting all blocked up. I have writer's constipation.
Ew, no. Scratch that. Forget I said it.
I'll be back soon, and I'll get this out of me, one way or another.
Maybe with a creativity laxative. Art-Lax.
Ew! Stop doing that!
Your writing is shit. That's what I'm saying. In case that wasn't clear.
Yes, yes, thank you, I get it. Very helpful. Goodbye now.
I can't believe I'm actually going to post this...
+ + +
Confidential to my little brother: just so you know, if you ever do anything that stupid ever again, I'll kill you.
Because I love you.
You dumb fuck.
Get well soon.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Choking On Blurble...
No time to write today.
I'm sorry. The work I've been sitting around for the last month waiting for has finally arrived, and I've got about two weeks in which to get three months worth of work done now, and I didn't get anywhere near enough done today as it is. And right now I need to pay my bills and balance my checkbook, and then rush home for SMART, and then it'll be 9p by the time I get home from that, with just enough time to eat dinner before bed, and I just don't have time.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't know if I'm saying that to you, or to myself.
I'm sorry. The work I've been sitting around for the last month waiting for has finally arrived, and I've got about two weeks in which to get three months worth of work done now, and I didn't get anywhere near enough done today as it is. And right now I need to pay my bills and balance my checkbook, and then rush home for SMART, and then it'll be 9p by the time I get home from that, with just enough time to eat dinner before bed, and I just don't have time.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't know if I'm saying that to you, or to myself.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sol 1...
I'm completely brain-dead from lack of sleep today, but still exhilarated by the events of last night/this morning. So incredible. Basically, this is me today:
http://xkcd.com/1091/
And also this:
http://sci-ence.org/touchdown/
Wow. Just... wow.
And now I get to spend the next several years looking forward to July 2015, when the New Horizons probe reaches Pluto!
http://xkcd.com/1091/
And also this:
http://sci-ence.org/touchdown/
Wow. Just... wow.
And now I get to spend the next several years looking forward to July 2015, when the New Horizons probe reaches Pluto!
Curiosity Landing...
It's closing in on 1a, and I've had my 5-hour shot, and my Amp energy drink, and I've still had a difficult time staying awake this late. (Damn, I feel old.) But I'm awake now, and I'm watching the live feed from Mars Science Laboratory Curiosity's Mission Control center at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, CA. I've decided to live-blog the proceedings from now until I finally go to bed.
12:57a - MC crew conducting one of the last series of flight checks, each station announcing status of its particular system, one at a time.
1a - they're passing jars of peanuts around MC. Apparently a good luck tradition since the Ranger mission.
1:08a - approximately 20 mins. from landing, Curiosity ~3,400 miles from Mars, the Entry, Descent, and Landing (EDL) team takes over and begins to run through their checklists, to make sure everything is ready to go.
1:12a - EDL has announced that pyros are enabled. Pyros are used to separate the stages of the landing vehicle.
1:15a - EDL has announced successful crew-stage separation. Curiosity now ~2,200 miles from Mars. In about a minute, Curiosity's EDL systems will "wake-up" in preparation for atmospheric entry.
1:19a - EDL has announced Curiosity is ~6mins from entry, and is broadcasting "heartbeat" tones; all is good, and as expected - nothing to do now but wait. Curiosity is currently traveling at ~5km/sec. (Remember, all this information is ~14mins old by the time it gets to us. So, by now, the rover is on the surface, one way or another.)
1:22a - MC crew just sitting around, waiting; all looking nervous, anxious, and excited. EDL announces ~2mins to entry, and Curiosity is on-target to land ~2.3meters from the target site.
1:25a - Curiosity now less than 400miles from Mars, and has successfully switched to the special antenna it will use for atmospheric entry.
1:26a - Curiosity has entered the atmosphere of Mars!
1:27a - MC receives word that Martian Odyssey satellite is tracking Curiosity's descent.
1:29a - Curiosity is decelerating, going ~Mach 2.4 and falling, preparing for parachute deployment.
1:30a - Parachute has deployed! Speed dropped to less than half of Mach 1 and falling. Preparing for sky-crane seperation.
1:32a - Sky-crane rockets have fired!
1:33a - TOUCHDOWN! Curiosity is safe on the surface of Mars!! MC crew goes wild - cheering, crying, hugs and high-fives all around! I haven't seen this many nerds crying since the end of Dark Knight Rises.
1:35a - the first image comes down from Curiosity! And, of course, I can't see it, because my internet connection cuts out all of a sudden.
1:44a - finally got my internet back and powered-up the feed again. Everyone at JPL MC still partying as the first images are coming down. Everything is covered in dust thrown up by the sky-crane's thrusters as it launched away from the rover after touchdown. First visible image is of Curiosity's wheel on the surface of Mars.
1:48a - everyone is settling back into their seats. Let's do some SCIENCE!
1:50a - crew going through post-landing checks, making sure everything is still intact and working after that fast and furious fall.
2:01a - post-landing poll almost finished. At that point, control will be shifted to the ground team, who will be responsible for the rover from this point on.
2:03a - well, I wanted to wait until the post-landing poll had been completed, and it was confirmed that everything was working satisfactorily, but NASA just cut their feed in preparation for the press conference in about twenty minutes, so I guess that's my cue to go to bed. What an amazing thing to have witnessed. I'm so glad I had a chance to be a part of it. We are absolutely incredible, truly. The things we can do!
I cannot wait to see what Curiosity can teach us.
12:57a - MC crew conducting one of the last series of flight checks, each station announcing status of its particular system, one at a time.
1a - they're passing jars of peanuts around MC. Apparently a good luck tradition since the Ranger mission.
1:08a - approximately 20 mins. from landing, Curiosity ~3,400 miles from Mars, the Entry, Descent, and Landing (EDL) team takes over and begins to run through their checklists, to make sure everything is ready to go.
1:12a - EDL has announced that pyros are enabled. Pyros are used to separate the stages of the landing vehicle.
1:15a - EDL has announced successful crew-stage separation. Curiosity now ~2,200 miles from Mars. In about a minute, Curiosity's EDL systems will "wake-up" in preparation for atmospheric entry.
1:19a - EDL has announced Curiosity is ~6mins from entry, and is broadcasting "heartbeat" tones; all is good, and as expected - nothing to do now but wait. Curiosity is currently traveling at ~5km/sec. (Remember, all this information is ~14mins old by the time it gets to us. So, by now, the rover is on the surface, one way or another.)
1:22a - MC crew just sitting around, waiting; all looking nervous, anxious, and excited. EDL announces ~2mins to entry, and Curiosity is on-target to land ~2.3meters from the target site.
1:25a - Curiosity now less than 400miles from Mars, and has successfully switched to the special antenna it will use for atmospheric entry.
1:26a - Curiosity has entered the atmosphere of Mars!
1:27a - MC receives word that Martian Odyssey satellite is tracking Curiosity's descent.
1:29a - Curiosity is decelerating, going ~Mach 2.4 and falling, preparing for parachute deployment.
1:30a - Parachute has deployed! Speed dropped to less than half of Mach 1 and falling. Preparing for sky-crane seperation.
1:32a - Sky-crane rockets have fired!
1:33a - TOUCHDOWN! Curiosity is safe on the surface of Mars!! MC crew goes wild - cheering, crying, hugs and high-fives all around! I haven't seen this many nerds crying since the end of Dark Knight Rises.
1:35a - the first image comes down from Curiosity! And, of course, I can't see it, because my internet connection cuts out all of a sudden.
1:44a - finally got my internet back and powered-up the feed again. Everyone at JPL MC still partying as the first images are coming down. Everything is covered in dust thrown up by the sky-crane's thrusters as it launched away from the rover after touchdown. First visible image is of Curiosity's wheel on the surface of Mars.
1:48a - everyone is settling back into their seats. Let's do some SCIENCE!
1:50a - crew going through post-landing checks, making sure everything is still intact and working after that fast and furious fall.
2:01a - post-landing poll almost finished. At that point, control will be shifted to the ground team, who will be responsible for the rover from this point on.
2:03a - well, I wanted to wait until the post-landing poll had been completed, and it was confirmed that everything was working satisfactorily, but NASA just cut their feed in preparation for the press conference in about twenty minutes, so I guess that's my cue to go to bed. What an amazing thing to have witnessed. I'm so glad I had a chance to be a part of it. We are absolutely incredible, truly. The things we can do!
I cannot wait to see what Curiosity can teach us.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Tempted The Devil With My Song...
Here from a king's mountain view
Here from the wild dream come true
Feast like a sultan, I do
On treasures and flesh never few
But I would
wish it
all away
If I
thought I'd
lose you
just one day
The devil and his had me down
In love with the dark side I'd found
Dabblin' all the way down
Up to my neck, soon to drown.
But you changed that all for me
Lifted me up, turned me 'round
So I
I would wish this
all away
Prayed like a martyr dusk to dawn
Begged like a hooker all night long
Tempted the devil with my song
And got what I wanted all along
But I
I would
If I could
I would
Wish it away
Wish it away
Wish it all away
Wanna wish it all away
No prize
that could hold
sway
Or justify
my
giving away
my center
So if I could I'd wish it all away
If I thought tomorrow
would take you away.
You,
my piece of mind,
my all,
my center,
just trying to hold on
one more day.
Damn my eyes!
Damn my eyes!
If they should compromise the fulcrum:
If wants and needs divide me
Then I might as well be gone...
Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the severed
Shine until the two become one
Divided, I'll wither away
Shine down upon the many.
Light our way, benevolent sun.
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
So,
as one,
survive
Another day
and season
Silence, legion.
Save your poison.
Silence, legion.
Stay out of my way!
-"Jambi"
Tool, 10,000 Days
Friday, August 3, 2012
Null Blurble...
Bored, tired, no idea what to write. Or rather, I've already written about all of the things I want to write about recently, and I don't have any new ideas. And, even if I did, I'd probably be too tired and numbed by boredom to do anything with them anyways.
I also feel sick in this really weird way. For the second day in a row now, a couple of hours after eating my lunch (soup and salad both days, but different soups and different salads each day), I have suddenly gotten this pain in my stomach. It feels like this really painful weight, like I've swallowed a brick. I have no idea what could possibly be causing this sensation, and it's really uncomfortable, and it really sucks, and I really want it to go away.
It's also not making it any easier to come up with something to write about.
+ + +
Ok, I guess that's it for today. Another half-an-hour spent trying to come up with something, and I've got nada. I'm calling it. Time of post-death: 5:04.
Sorry everybody.
I also feel sick in this really weird way. For the second day in a row now, a couple of hours after eating my lunch (soup and salad both days, but different soups and different salads each day), I have suddenly gotten this pain in my stomach. It feels like this really painful weight, like I've swallowed a brick. I have no idea what could possibly be causing this sensation, and it's really uncomfortable, and it really sucks, and I really want it to go away.
It's also not making it any easier to come up with something to write about.
+ + +
Ok, I guess that's it for today. Another half-an-hour spent trying to come up with something, and I've got nada. I'm calling it. Time of post-death: 5:04.
Sorry everybody.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The Eternal World Record...
What does a World Record mean, if no one is allowed to challenge it?
1984 and the World Record that May Never Be Broken
1984 and the World Record that May Never Be Broken
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Technical Interrupt...
We upgraded our cell phones a couple of days ago, and so I've spent the majority of the last two days alternating between trying to figure out how to work my phone, and trying to get my phone to work at all. And between my total lack of knowledge of how to use the phone and the fact that it seems to have been installed with what I can only assume is an extra system file named PhoneCurse.dll, I've been pretty well fucked lately, in terms of both free time and communication.
So, posting = not likely.
I use my cell phone as my alarm clock, as well, and for the past few days, and for different reasons each day, that feature has managed to fail on my brand new phone, causing me to oversleep. As a result, I've been working out after work, rather than before, as I'd prefer. It's either that, or skip my workout entirely, which I'd really rather not do. So, more free-time down the phone-hole.
It's not all bad. The phone is amazing in most other ways, and is a quantum leap above our previous phones. Just working out the bugs, is all. I hope to have some time to post something more worthwhile soon.
In the meantime, if you'd like to join me in my technocratic exorcism rite that I have planned for tomorrow's full moon, wherein I will summon, capture, and FUCKING ANNIHILATE the electronic daemon that I have apparently been cursed with the last few months, please leave a comment, and I will have my servitor (I've named him Bit) tap your dreamscape with the appropriate contact info.
TTFN, bitches.
So, posting = not likely.
I use my cell phone as my alarm clock, as well, and for the past few days, and for different reasons each day, that feature has managed to fail on my brand new phone, causing me to oversleep. As a result, I've been working out after work, rather than before, as I'd prefer. It's either that, or skip my workout entirely, which I'd really rather not do. So, more free-time down the phone-hole.
It's not all bad. The phone is amazing in most other ways, and is a quantum leap above our previous phones. Just working out the bugs, is all. I hope to have some time to post something more worthwhile soon.
In the meantime, if you'd like to join me in my technocratic exorcism rite that I have planned for tomorrow's full moon, wherein I will summon, capture, and FUCKING ANNIHILATE the electronic daemon that I have apparently been cursed with the last few months, please leave a comment, and I will have my servitor (I've named him Bit) tap your dreamscape with the appropriate contact info.
TTFN, bitches.
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