I Have Sowed Need, And What Then I Reaped...

i was so afraid
so afraid of
not needing you
so unaware
that i was
loving from fear
so confused
thinking love
demanded need
too oblivious
to see
my desire
pulling you under

as soon as i
gave up
gave in
let go
stopped
needing you
i was suddenly

Free

finally free to
see you
hear you
know you
your real you
because you
were finally free
of my weight
of my need

what i needed
what i really needed
after all and everything
is over and done
was to get out of the fucking way
and just be me
and let you be you
so we could meet each other
again
and fall
for the first time

Return Of Blurble...

I WANT MY GODDAMN COMPUTER BACK!

There, I said it.  Apologies for the caps lock.

I really need to write again.  I'm feeling like such a useless slug.  I can feel myself getting more and more stressed out every day without it.  I even miss the pressure of feeling that I need to get something posted every day.  That pressure is nothing compared to the stress of not having the time or the means to write.

I'm going to be in a cabin in the woods on the side of a mountain this weekend, and all I can think is, Goddammit, that would be such a perfect place to get some great writing done!  But I won't be able to, because I need a computer for that.  (I can't write by hand; my hand moves way too slow for my brain.)

I'm having no luck finding the brightside to this.  It just feels wrong.  It feels fucking unhealthy.

I just want my computer back.

Kickball - Week 7...

Another hard fought game (by the rest of the team, at least - I didn't do a damn thing), and another heartbreaking loss by one run in the last inning.

Why do I keep doing this??  I don't want to do this anymore, I'm not having any fun, I'm exhausted, gods know I add no value or worth to my team whatsoever, and I'm not even getting any exercise.  So why do I keep doing this to myself?

I guess because I don't want to quit more than I don't want to play kickball anymore.  I guess because I at least want the satisfaction of completing the season, seeing as it is likely the only satisfaction I'm going to get out of the experience.

POSITION:

          -he had me in Left field for odd innings - even innings, the old guy took the spot
          -some of the girls (not all of them) also had to split innings this way - so I'm grouped with the
           girls and the old guy - Awesome.
          -no balls came anywhere near Left field the whole game

AT THE PLATE:

          -both my kicks were easy outs - I never even made it to 1st base - and both my outs were the
           third out to end the inning
          -my first kick I managed to somehow bunt the ball directly behind me and straight into the
           arms of the catcher, for the shortest pop-fly out in kickball history - I was right there, saw it
           with my own eyes, and still do not understand how it happened - it seemed to defy all known
           physics - unless the ball was made of iron and the catcher's hands were actually magnets -
           another classic "this could only happen to me" moment
          -although, I did feel slightly vindicated when one of our best kickers managed to kick the ball
           into their own face this game

FINAL:

          -who gives a fuck

INJURIES:

          -didn't hurt myself, because I didn't do a goddamned thing the whole game
          -half the innings I sat on the bench watching the game, the other innings I stood in the field
           watching the game - and I never ran more than ten feet from home plate either time I kicked
          -big fucking woo

Chutes and Ladders...

Just a brief synopsis of my day...

In preparation for the upgrade of my work PC (currently my only working computer, since my laptop is in the shop being repaired) from Windows XP to Windows 7 tomorrow, I had a bunch of files to backup, and one program (Quicken) to upgrade, since the version of Quicken that I've been using to manage my personal finances for the last ten years is not compatible with Win7.

I'd already bought the latest version of Quicken, so the upgrade installation should only take about an hour.  Decided to do that first, only to discover that the CD-ROM drive on my PC is apparently broken.  Luckily managed to scrounge a portable CD-ROM from the Help Desk that plugs in on a USB.  After running for a half-hour, the installation program suddenly shuts down with an error message.  Had to restart my computer and do it again; another half an hour, but this time it works.  But when I start up the new program, it tells me that I can't covert data from my old version (2002) to the new version (2012).  I'll need to download and install an intermediate version (2004), convert my data from 2002 to 2004, then re-install 2012, and then finally convert my data from 2004 to 2012.  Ugh, ok.  Luckily, they offered a free version of 2004 for download.

So, downloaded that, but it took me a half dozen tries to install it.  Kept getting error messages, had to uninstall 2012 first (another half-hour), but it eventually worked, and I managed to convert my data to 2004 format.  Then I spent another half-hour installing 2012, only to have it fail with the same error message again.  Had to restart my machine (all told, had to restart my machine six times - at about ten minutes a piece, that's an hour I spent restarting my machine alone!), and install it again.  Another half-hour, but this time it worked.

But then when I went to run it, it told me that I couldn't use my data because it was for a Deluxe version of Quicken.  (Apparently the "free" version of 2004 that they offered was the Quicken 2004 Deluxe.)  And so, in order to be able to use my data that I had just spent over four hours trying to convert, I would need to upgrade to the Deluxe version of 2012, at a cost of $60.  I'd already spent $30 on the version I'd just spent all day trying to install!  I then spent an hour on the phone with an argumentative gentleman from New Delhi at Quicken Customer Service trying to find a way around this, to no avail.  Ended up having to upgrade to the Deluxe version, even though I didn't want it, just to save my data.  Spent another half an hour installing it and converting my data (FINALLY!).

All told, I ended up spending almost seven hours of my day just trying to install this one fucking program.  In my entire life using computers, I have never had this much difficulty installing a program, ever.  Not even close.

And I couldn't use my computer for anything else the whole time it was installing (so that would be all day), so I still had all the rest of my work to do!  But I was out of time, because I had to rush home to try and see the Transit of Venus.

Venus crosses the face of the Sun (from our point of view on Earth) twice about every hundred years or so.  The last time it happened was in 2004.  The next time it will happen, after today, is 2117.  Literally, a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  And I am lucky to live within walking distance of an elementary school science lab/planetarium that had set up telescopes with special filters to allow the public to view the transit from 6-8p today.

But it was cloudy.  From horizon to horizon, grey fluffballs of clouds covering the entire sky.

Anticipating a long wait, we brought along one of our two folding camp chairs.  Removing it from it's carrying pouch, She discovered a hidden treasure inside.  A sword, with a crystal handle, and a brass hilt.  This sword had been an important magickal item to me for years.  I used it in various Solar rituals.  It had also been one of the treasures offered up in our wedding ceremony.  I had lost it years ago.  So long ago in fact, that it has been years since I even considered it lost; for many years now I have simply assumed that it was gone, and that I would never see it again.

And then, suddenly, as I'm waiting, desperately, for the Sun to appear from behind the curtain of clouds, so that I could watch this once-in-a-lifetime spectacle of our closest neighbor planet floating across its immense, bright face, my long-lost Magickal Sun Sword simply appears out of nowhere.  Almost as if by magick.

Surely, this was a sign that my luck was turning.

And, sure enough, with less than fifteen minutes before the Sun disappeared behind the horizon, there was a sudden break in the clouds!  And She managed to secure us a spot near the front of the line!!  (You have my eternal gratitude for this, Precious. You saved me from disappointment and disaster.)

And so, for about ten seconds, I was able to look through a telescope's eyepiece, and directly into the face of our Star.  And there she was - Venus.  A small, black dot, floating against a backdrop of the enormous, white circle of the Sun.  I saw it with my own eyes.

I will remember those ten seconds for the rest of my life.

And then I got to drive all the way back to my office to finish up the file backup preparations for tomorrow that I hadn't had a chance to do earlier.  And now I'm done, and it's time to go home.  And by the time I get there, it will be past my bedtime.

But I don't even care.

Today was a great day.

My Precious...

I keep forgetting that this all started with Her.

Amid all the psychodrama and melodramatic, existential bullshit at my latest rock bottom, I keep losing sight of how I ended up there in the first place.  Of the reason why I started running head-long toward the dark at the end of the tunnel at all.  And equally, in the effervescence of all of my recently re-discovered joys, in the heady excitement of my bright, shiny new serenity, I also keep losing sight of the fact that, that reason is now gone.  That I got what I wanted all along.

That I'm so in love with Her.

Yes, it's Spring, and that certainly has to be factored into the equation.  But that doesn't make anything I'm feeling less relevant, or any less real.  For months, and maybe longer, I felt like I'd lost her.  (I realize now, I'd actually lost myself.)  I couldn't find any reason to be with her, except momentum.  I couldn't find any joy in her company, in her touch, or in her place in my life.  I realize now that I couldn't find any joy in anything in my life just then, but at the time I was completely focused on her.  I thought that We were the problem, that something was wrong with Us that needed to be fixed.  That if she could only change, or if I could only learn to be happy without the things I felt I needed from her, then everything would be better.  But it never was.  It was never good enough.  Nothing was ever good enough.  And I only ended up more unhappy, and more lost.

I believe my biggest flaw (and I have so many), is how I respond in these situations.  When I cannot find joy in my life, when I feel lost and alone, when I begin to struggle to find a reason to keep going, I force-feed myself artificial pleasure in the form of deadly poisons.  Now, to be fair, most of the time it's not like that.  In fact, I'd say 99% of the time it's just a little here, a little there - just having a good time and blowing off a little steam.  And nothing that's even really dangerous, let alone deadly.  Under any other circumstance, it's all innocent and under control.  No, not "under control," because the truth is that for most of the time, there's nothing there that even needs to be controlled in the first place.  But then there's that fatal 1% of the time, when I feel like I have nothing.  And believing I have nothing, and feeling that it's all downhill from there anyways, then I might as well enjoy the ride.  And that's when I push the plunger on my self-destruct button.

And that's exactly what I did here.  I'd made her my entire life, in about the most self-destructive, co-dependent manner imaginable.  And so when I felt like I'd lost her, I felt like I'd lost everything.  I hadn't, but I couldn't see that from the bottom of the hole I had dug myself into.  And when I finally hit bottom, I wasn't even thinking of saving myself from myself.  I still hadn't even realized that I was the problem.  I thought I was trying to save my marriage.  I thought I was trying to find a way to live with her.  But I was just trying to find a way to live.

And now I'm so happy, and so overjoyed with every second of every day, blah blah blah.  The high of the near-death experience.  And it's all such a big distraction, so constantly overwhelming, that I keep forgetting to pay attention specifically to all that I've re-gained with her.

My heart beats faster when I think of her now.  It actually skips when she kisses me.  Can you fucking believe that?  I didn't think that was possible anymore!  Everything she does makes me happy right now.  Even the things I used to think I couldn't stand.  I don't know how I ever felt any other way than I do right now.  I'm so grateful for the gift of her life, and the fact that she actually, improbably, inexplicably, wants to share it with me.  I look forward to seeing her every day in a way I only distantly remember feeling, long ago.  I ache softly inside when I have to leave her.  When I make her laugh, I own the fucking world.  And when my hands are on her hips, and I pull her to me, and feel every curve of her pressed against my body, I am lost again.  But no longer in darkness.  Lost in the cloudy depths of her palest-blue eyes.  Lost in the scent of her skin.  Lost in my lust to reunite with the other half of me.  Lost in the warm, comfortable weight of the life we've made, wrapped around us, holding us tightly together.  Lost in my joy of Her.

I hold no delusions that this will last forever.  Rule #1:  everything, everyone, everywhere, ends.  But because I know that right now, I am more grateful than I ever thought possible, for every single second I get to be with her.  And I remember now, what I had so tragically forgotten:

That She is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

And that no matter whatever else I may be in my life, the one and only thing I will always be, forever, is Her's.

Dream Diary #1...

It's late, and I should be leaving the office now, but I really don't want to try to write this at home, and I also really don't want to skip writing today.  Today was one of those busy days where you feel like you never get a chance to catch your breath, and this is really just the first opportunity I've had to write at all.  So, I'll try to be brief.

I had a strange and unsettling dream this morning.  A lot of it I don't remember, and a lot of it was fluff not worth remembering, but there was a core of something strange, and vivid, and unsettling enough that it's been on my mind off and on all day.

I remember that Dollface and I were staying in a hotel room somewhere, in some small town that was strange to us; we'd never been there before.  It was a cheap motor lodge kind of place.  I remember that she was asleep, and I was bored, and I decided to go check out this new town while we were here.  (Something that has happened in our waking life many times.)

It was the middle of the night, and I drove just down the street aways, until I came upon this strange strip mall.  It was all lit up like an amusement park.  But all the stores were wooden cabins, like you'd find at a campground.  Porches and screen doors; everything hung with strings of lights.  There were shoppers and kids and punks and stoners smoking joints and junkies looking for a fix.  And there were prostitutes, most of them looking like junkies or meth-heads, trolling for johns, so they could get their medicine.

I decided to try and find one I liked.

Definitely not something I have ever done before, in the dream or in real life, and I can't say exactly why I made that decision.  For some reason, I thought the best way to go about this was to sit down in the grass next to one of the porches of one of the stores/cabins.  So, I sat down there in the grass, and looked up at the stars.

It was then that I noticed that there were two moons in the sky.  Both waxing gibbous (a little more than a quarter-full, heading towards full) - mirror images - one slightly above and to the right of the other.  And there were these strange trails of the image of the moon, like a dragon of smoke in the sky below them.  In the dream, as I stared at this awesome and impossible sight, I remembered hearing about this rare lunar condition on the radio, and felt delighted that I'd actually had a chance to see it, since the radio had said it was not going to happen again in my lifetime.

A young girl walked over to me and asked if I was looking for some company.  I said I was.  So she sat down cross-legged in the grass in front of me.  She was wearing a thin white t-shirt, cut-off blue jean shorts, and low-top chuck taylors.  She was very thin.  Too thin for her clothes.  She looked very young, too.  Her skin was smooth and soft and pale.  Her dirty blonde hair cropped short in a sort-of bob.  She didn't look sick and used, like all the others.  In her face, she looked like she still had some baby-fat.  She probably could've passed for 15.  But I was going under the assumption that she was at least 18, because her arms and legs were covered in tattoos.

All of her tattoos were glyphs and symbols.  Sigils and hex-marks and other occult signs.  And Runes.  I could read them.  They were incantations.

"Those are runic incantations," I said to her, pointing to the string of runes on her shoulder.

"Uh, yes, they are," she replied, slightly taken aback.

"Oh, and that is a very powerful mark," I said, pointing to a runic sigil on her bicep that was written in a sort of runic "code."  The ancient runic sorcerers had used it after the christian conversions in order to keep their work hidden from the prying invaders, who had a nasty habit of burning sorcerers.

"Now, you don't look like the kind of person who can read runic incantations," she said, smiling.

"No, I guess not."

We sat in silence for a while, staring at each other.  I liked her.  It seemed like she liked me.  At least enough, anyways.

"What's it like?," I asked.

"Well, for the most part, I actually enjoy it.  Haven't gotten hurt yet.  And I'd be doing it anyways, but this way I get paid for it."  She looked down at her feet, started playing with the grass.  She looked like such a little girl.  "But, I don't really have much choice, do I?"

"Why do you do it?"

"Well, ya know, I got things I need, ya know?"  I nodded.  I did know about that kind of need.  I've felt it pulling down in my bones before, too.  Watched from outside myself as I did things I couldn't believe, just to make that ache go away.

I was beginning to feel that way about this beautiful, sad little girl in front of me, as a matter of fact.

"I know what that's like."

"Yeah, right," she said, and I could tell at that moment she thought I was an asshole.  Just another mark.  I realized what a stupid thing it was to have said.  What the fuck did I know about her life?  What the fuck did I really know about that kind of hunger?  I felt like a privileged rich kid telling a kid from the ghetto that I understood being poor.

I laid down on my back on the grass beside her, and looked up at the sky, with the twin moons, and the dragonsmoke trails of lunar dust.

"Look at that," I said, "Isn't that beautiful?  Won't happen again for a thousand years."

She looked up from the grass.  "Yeah, I guess it kinda is."  She laid down on her back next to me, and watched the sky.  We stayed like that for a while, in silence, at peace.  Until I felt her take my hand.

"What do you want?," she asked.

"How much?"

"Twenty, fifty, or a hundred, depending on what you want."

"I want it all."

"I know."

Emptying, to Form...

Where am I going with this?

What am I doing?

What's wrong with me?  Why am I so unhappy?

What do I want?

Do I love you, completely?

Do I love you, at all?

Or do I just need to feel loved by someone?

...

No.  No, that's not the right question.  I do love you.  We've been through way too much together for way too long, have too much history, for me to not love you.  There's a part of me that will always love you, in some way.

The question is, do I love you the way that I'm supposed to?  Do I love you the way that a husband should love his wife?  Or do I just love you as the one person I've been closer to in my life, and shared more of myself with, than any other?

And is there a difference?

Questions, questions, questions!  Everywhere I look it's more fucking questions!  WHERE ARE THE FUCKING ANSWERS?!!

...

I've moved out, temporarily.  Checked myself into a hotel for the week.

Why?  What do I hope to gain from that?  Am I just trying to "shake things up" - just introduce a little anarchy into my life to see what happens?  Am I just trying to force a random change?  Or am I trying to step out of my life, to gain some perspective?  Or am I just hiding?  Just running away?

I don't know.  I don't know if I ever knew.

I'm grasping at straws here.  Suddenly, every single little thing is pregnant with meaning.  Is this The Answer?  Is this what I need?  Will this make me better?  Will this solve my problems?

How can I get better when I don't even know what's wrong?  How can I find The Answer when I don't even know The Question??

Am I looking for fulfillment?  Or do I just want a happy, satisfying marriage?  Are they mutually exclusive?  Or are they one and the same?

...


I keep coming back to this one thought.  That I need to clean up my act.  That everything will be better, and I will be happy and content, if I just give up the drink and all the rest, start working out and losing weight and eating right, start meditating again and studying the Tao, etc., etc.

But then I also can't shake the feeling that all of that is just a bunch of middle-aged, white, American, liberal, hipster bullshit.

But I'm following my gut, aren't I?  That's what I'm doing right now.  I'm following my gut instincts, blindly, in a desperate attempt to get away from wherever the fuck I am right now, to someplace, anyplace else.

And it's my gut that's telling me to follow that path.  That salad yesterday (my first in I-can't-remember-when; it's been all pot pies and beer lately) was the best thing I've tasted in a long, long time.  It's was, literally, unbelievably, shockingly delicious. And there was absolutely nothing special about it - just greens, some veggies, and oil & vinegar.  I keep thinking about how wonderful it would be to just spend some time sitting still and being quiet.  I keep dreaming of my gomden the way I've so often dreamed of the pipe.  That stupid little weekly email quote from Pema Chodron felt like the Universe speaking directly to ME.

And it's my head that's telling me it's all a load of crap.

That means something.

Doesn't it?

But what if all of that only feels right because it's my safety net; because it's safe and familiar because that's what I do when I get lost in these existential crises?  ("Existential Crisis" - jesus, talk about a first-world fucking problem.  How spoiled of a brat do I have to be to even be taking any of this seriously?  But, what, am I supposed to pretend I have the experience of a migrant worker in Guatemala or some shit??  I DON'T.  I can only be who I am. And I am a white, middle-aged American liberal, who is fortunate enough to have the luxury of being able to engage in this kind of introspective panic.)

But what if that's what I do when I get in these situations because that's what I'm supposed to do in these situations because that is The Answer to these problems?!

Ugh, this is making me dizzy.

...

And way, way back in the deep down of me, I feel this fear.  This fear that I'm going to die here.  That I'm never going to get out of this maze of questions alive.  That any reprieve is only temporary, and that I will always end up right back here.

That they're going to find me, cold and still on a hotel bed, the same way they found my mother.

I'm scared of the way that feels like Destiny.

...

And She says, "I'm sure it hurts!  I can't imagine caring so much about so many things.  It must be exhausting!  Maybe you should get back into the Tao so you can let things go and ease your pain..."

And I can't help but laugh!  She has no idea I've been thinking that, or writing this here, at the exact same time.  Out of the mouths of babes...

Is it another sign?  Or am I just connecting dots to find the pattern in the chaos that I want to see?

...

Is all of this just because I don't like myself?  Is that why I feel compelled to do all of those self-improvements?  Because I feel like I would like myself better?

...

When I'm drifting like this, grasping at straws, lost and desperate in this vague and undefined way, I find that I start to obsess about strange things.  A lot of the time it starts as ordinary, banal escapism.  But sometimes it leads me to the Way Out.  The most famous example of this in my life so far, was reading Wild Cards in the bath way back when.  In about the strangest way possible, it was those baths that led me directly to my first direct experience of the Tao.  Changed my life forever.

Right now, it's The Moth.

I can't stop listening to it.  Every story just makes me feel, so much, and so powerfully.  And so I guess there must be something about that feel-ing that I need right now, just like I needed to disappear into the warm water back then.  I would assume then, that also like the baths, I probably will only be able to explain this obsession in hindsight.

Follow Your Instincts.

It's the only thing I feel like I can do right now.  When all else fails (and, let's be honest, all else really has failed here), then Follow Your Instincts.

It's the only thing I feel like I know, for certain.

...

Yesterday, the quote on Zen Pencils reminded me of Bill Hicks' "It's just a ride..." quote.  I got a strong urge to submit that quote to the author/webmaster.  In doing that, I had to find it in my PDA so I could copy and paste it into the email.

Just now, I needed to go into the same section of my PDA that holds all my little notes and stuff, to look up something else.  It was still on the same page with the Bill Hicks' quote.  That page is titled "Philosophies."

I have a collection of notes on my Philosophies of Life that I've collected over the years, stored in my PDA - and I had completely forgotten about it!

And there it was, right in the middle of the list:  The Tao of ManniMoonYin that had come to me so many years ago under such similar circumstances - the Tao that I had been led to from my bath.

How can it be??  It seems that I've forgotten my Tao:

"All things that are, are change."
("All things that are, are fire."  The only constant is change.  Nothing lasts forever.  EVERYTHING is mutable.)

"You cannot be good.  You cannot be bad.  You can only be."
(You cannot be "good," and you cannot be "bad."  These are entirely relative judgements - what is "good" for one will be "bad" for another, and vice versa.  The only thing you can "be," is Michael.)

"Look on the bright side."  "Make the most of it."
(This is the only life you get.  There's nothing good nor bad but thinking makes it so - so find the good in *everything* - even your mother's suicide was a good thing when you figured out how to look at it right.  Choose joy, and you will be joyous.)

"You are amazing.  And so is everyone else."
(Glass houses; no one is fit to judge anyone else.  Judgement only leads to division, separation, and loneliness.  We are all One.)

...

That's 3 coincidences now today, all pointing to the same thing.  And today is my 3rd day of this desperate searching.


Even if I'm just connecting the dots in the chaos to find the pattern I want to see, that pattern is obviously deeply meaningful to me in some way.  My path clearly leads in that direction.  And if I am to follow my instincts, then how can I ignore the pattern I see in the noise, like meaning in an inkblot?


It seems that I have found My Answer.

...