I started my xmas shopping today. Feels good to finally get started, even if I am ridiculously late.
Last year, I had most of my shopping done by Dec. 1st, and all of it done well before Yule (the Winter solstice). It was wonderful. The best Yule season I've had in my adult life, I think. I got to just sit back and enjoy it. I could spend all of my energy on making the holiday more pleasant and fun and enjoyable, because I didn't have to spend it all on the work. All of the work was done. I actually got to just relax and enjoy it, for once.
Knowing that I wasn't going to have that experience again this year was actually one of the things that got me down a couple of weeks ago. I'd been so busy through the late fall that xmas just sorta snuck up on me, and I didn't see it coming until it was already here, and I was already behind in my work. "What? It's xmas already? Wait! I haven't started yet. I'm already late?! Crap! Last year was so wonderful, and this year is gonna suck now, and I never even had a chance!" It was just instantly depressing.
But there's some hope left. (Which seems appropriate, given the spirit of the season.) It's only December 4th, so I'm still getting a fairly early start, all things considered; just not quite as early as last year. But I've got some time left, is the point. And, I don't have as much shopping to do this year, which is going to help. With Snowflake being unemployed and underemployed for most of this year, we just can't afford to do the amount of shopping that we normally would. (Just one of the many unexpected brightsides to her unemployment. Blessing in disguise, that.)
So, I've got less work to do overall, and still a respectable amount of time left to do it.
Looks like this xmas might not be totally grinch'd just yet.
Showing posts with label brightside. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brightside. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Uh-wake...
I had another attack of insomnia last night.
I think "attack" is a very appropriate word to describe it. Because it definitely feels like a violent and painful assault upon your person perpetrated by an outside force. And you're not the same afterwards.
I know that everyone experiences some insomnia every once in a while, but I feel like it happens to me more than the average. I don't know if that's actually true or not, but it certainly feels that way. It seems like every couple months or so I have a night where I'm just awake for no apparent reason. Or, more specifically, where I alternate between lightly dozing for a few minutes and wide awake, over and over again all night.
I wasn't tired last night. Probably because I didn't get in my workout. Eventually, well past my bedtime, I forced myself to go to bed and try to go to sleep. I laid there for well over an hour before I finally dozed off. Ninety minutes later, I was wide awake again. And I could not get comfortable. No position felt right. No, it was more than that - every position felt painful in one way or another. And I was either too hot, or too cold, or sometimes even both at the same time, but never was I anywhere in the vicinity of a comfortable temperature. After another hour spent tossing and turning, I gave up and went out to the living room.
After another hour or so out on the couch, I eventually started to drift off again. Just about the time that my alarm started going off. No way was I getting up that early and going in to the gym; not with the way I was feeling. And so, of course, I ended up getting the best couple of hours of sleep of the entire night between when my alarm went off and when I absolutely had to get up in order to make it to work on time. Or, in other words, during the time when I should have been getting up and working out.
So, I missed my workout again today. Which means I probably won't be tired enough to sleep well again tonight. Remember the "Crap Energy Loop?" Here I go again, round and round and round.
I've been in a semi-conscious daze all day. Everything has seemed just slightly un-real. Reality has this sort of painted-on feel to it, as if my life were actually some elaborately crafted soundstage. I've had this unmistakeable and familiar sense that I'm only partially here, and that I'm also partially somewhere else.
So, at least I got one good thing out of having insomnia.
I think "attack" is a very appropriate word to describe it. Because it definitely feels like a violent and painful assault upon your person perpetrated by an outside force. And you're not the same afterwards.
I know that everyone experiences some insomnia every once in a while, but I feel like it happens to me more than the average. I don't know if that's actually true or not, but it certainly feels that way. It seems like every couple months or so I have a night where I'm just awake for no apparent reason. Or, more specifically, where I alternate between lightly dozing for a few minutes and wide awake, over and over again all night.
I wasn't tired last night. Probably because I didn't get in my workout. Eventually, well past my bedtime, I forced myself to go to bed and try to go to sleep. I laid there for well over an hour before I finally dozed off. Ninety minutes later, I was wide awake again. And I could not get comfortable. No position felt right. No, it was more than that - every position felt painful in one way or another. And I was either too hot, or too cold, or sometimes even both at the same time, but never was I anywhere in the vicinity of a comfortable temperature. After another hour spent tossing and turning, I gave up and went out to the living room.
After another hour or so out on the couch, I eventually started to drift off again. Just about the time that my alarm started going off. No way was I getting up that early and going in to the gym; not with the way I was feeling. And so, of course, I ended up getting the best couple of hours of sleep of the entire night between when my alarm went off and when I absolutely had to get up in order to make it to work on time. Or, in other words, during the time when I should have been getting up and working out.
So, I missed my workout again today. Which means I probably won't be tired enough to sleep well again tonight. Remember the "Crap Energy Loop?" Here I go again, round and round and round.
I've been in a semi-conscious daze all day. Everything has seemed just slightly un-real. Reality has this sort of painted-on feel to it, as if my life were actually some elaborately crafted soundstage. I've had this unmistakeable and familiar sense that I'm only partially here, and that I'm also partially somewhere else.
So, at least I got one good thing out of having insomnia.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Lost Sharing...
I had to skip SMART again this week. But I wrote to the facilitator, to let him know I'd be out and so he'd know I hadn't fallen off the wagon or whatever; and also to let him know what I would've shared, if I'd been able to make it.
I thought it would be worth sharing here, too:
On Friday, my wife and I went out to our local for dinner and drinks (I had O'Douls). I mentioned to her that I had recently realized that I could not remember the last time we'd had a fight, or even any sort of minor emotional dust-up, and asked her if she could remember. She realized she couldn't remember, either. Things have been really good for us lately; for a good, long while now, in fact. I hypothesized that this was probably a result of two recent changes in my life.
One of them is a bit involved to try and explain; it involves changes to the way I perceive and interact with her, and to the way I think about Love in general, and so it would require a good bit of backstory that I don't really have time to get into right now in order for you to really be able to understand it. Suffice it to say that the end result was that I'm no longer as emotionally fragile with her as I used to be, and that these changes began happening quite literally at the same time as I began to get sober.
And the other change that I think has contributed to our recent run of marital harmony and happiness is obviously just that: my sobriety. Drinking and taking drugs by definition alter your mood, and your feelings. They lift them up when you take them, and then they fall down when it runs out. And even if you're not taking them right at that moment, if you're doing it regularly enough, then the effect persists, and your emotions continue to go up and down, up and down, even when you're sober. And so one of the results of this extended period of sobriety, is that I'm finding that I'm less emotionally volatile than I used to be; I'm much more even-keeled now that I'm not playing chemical yo-yo with my feelings.
This prompted my wife to tell me again, as we were sitting at the bar, how proud she was of me for being able to stay sober for so long. And she added how proud she was of me, in particular, for being able to come out drinking with her and still remain sober. And, I replied back to her that, as always, I found it difficult to accept that praise. Because I didn't feel like I was doing anything. It wasn't as if being at the bar made me want a drink, and I was having to spend the entire time resisting this overwhelming urge. If that were the case, if I was struggling with urges, and then successfully overcoming them, then I would feel as if I had done something worthy of praise. But as it was, being at the bar didn't make me want to drink anymore than at any other point in my day. I just don't want to drink right now. I'm very much enjoying not drinking.
The other half of that coin is that I am very much looking forward to drinking again, later. We saw a bottle behind the bar that night, of Fireball whiskey; a cinnamon-flavored whiskey that we only just discovered last year, a few months before I sobered up. And with the seasons turning right now, and the crisp scent of Autumn in the air, I had the thought, "Oh, a shot of that would be delightful for Fall. That will be really nice to have again. Maybe next year?" I realize it isn't typical, but I'm lucky enough that I haven't yet had to say to myself, "I can never drink again." I didn't fall that far. I just didn't pay attention to what I was doing, and then realized that I was drinking too much, and that it had gotten a little scary, and so decided that I needed to stop for a while; for some unspecified period of time of at least one year. And so I've never had to confront that issue, or deal with all the grief and loss of "I can never drink again." I'm fortunate enough that I've been able to say just, "Not now, maybe later." And this is just so much easier to handle on an emotional level. And that makes it easier to stay sober. Because I can kick that can of "later" down the road indefinitely.
And that's where I'm at right now, and where I've been for a while: I don't want to drink right now, and I'm looking forward to drinking again, later. Whether that "later" will ever actually come is a mystery to me. I honestly don't know. I imagine it will again, but no one knows what the future holds. I don't know who I'll be after spending my first year sober as an adult, and I don't want to project who I want that person to be. I want to find out myself along the way. And I remember that when I quit smoking pot for a year (that time I had planned from the beginning to do it for exactly one year, and then smoke again, and see how it affected me - I designed the whole experience as a personal experiment conducted on my own brain chemistry), at the end of that year, I found it really difficult to smoke again. I had built up so much momentum towards staying sober over the course of that year, that it was really hard to make myself suddenly switch directions and do the exact opposite. Yes, I did want to smoke again, but a huge part of me did not want to, as well. And in the end, what finally helped push me over the edge was that I had set out from the get-go to do it for exactly one year, and then do it again and see what happened, and I wanted to fulfill that original intent.
I don't have any set time-period of sobriety like that this time around. I don't have any line of demarcation that I'm going to cross at some point in the future that will tell me that it's time to stop being sober. (And that was intentional, based on the lessons learned in the experience I just mentioned above.) So, who knows how long this will last? Who knows when that "later" will come? Who knows if that "later" will ever actually come, at all?
And more to the point, whether it does or not is completely irrelevant. Because thinking about that ephemeral "later" - enjoying the idea of it, looking forward to it - helps me to remain sober now. And even better, it grants me the ability to do things like go out to bars with my wife, and actually be able to enjoy the experience, without struggling against my desires. It allows me to accept my desires, and still keep moving forward, comfortably, without having to indulge them.
And to my mind, that's gold. That's pure magick.
I thought it would be worth sharing here, too:
On Friday, my wife and I went out to our local for dinner and drinks (I had O'Douls). I mentioned to her that I had recently realized that I could not remember the last time we'd had a fight, or even any sort of minor emotional dust-up, and asked her if she could remember. She realized she couldn't remember, either. Things have been really good for us lately; for a good, long while now, in fact. I hypothesized that this was probably a result of two recent changes in my life.
One of them is a bit involved to try and explain; it involves changes to the way I perceive and interact with her, and to the way I think about Love in general, and so it would require a good bit of backstory that I don't really have time to get into right now in order for you to really be able to understand it. Suffice it to say that the end result was that I'm no longer as emotionally fragile with her as I used to be, and that these changes began happening quite literally at the same time as I began to get sober.
And the other change that I think has contributed to our recent run of marital harmony and happiness is obviously just that: my sobriety. Drinking and taking drugs by definition alter your mood, and your feelings. They lift them up when you take them, and then they fall down when it runs out. And even if you're not taking them right at that moment, if you're doing it regularly enough, then the effect persists, and your emotions continue to go up and down, up and down, even when you're sober. And so one of the results of this extended period of sobriety, is that I'm finding that I'm less emotionally volatile than I used to be; I'm much more even-keeled now that I'm not playing chemical yo-yo with my feelings.
This prompted my wife to tell me again, as we were sitting at the bar, how proud she was of me for being able to stay sober for so long. And she added how proud she was of me, in particular, for being able to come out drinking with her and still remain sober. And, I replied back to her that, as always, I found it difficult to accept that praise. Because I didn't feel like I was doing anything. It wasn't as if being at the bar made me want a drink, and I was having to spend the entire time resisting this overwhelming urge. If that were the case, if I was struggling with urges, and then successfully overcoming them, then I would feel as if I had done something worthy of praise. But as it was, being at the bar didn't make me want to drink anymore than at any other point in my day. I just don't want to drink right now. I'm very much enjoying not drinking.
The other half of that coin is that I am very much looking forward to drinking again, later. We saw a bottle behind the bar that night, of Fireball whiskey; a cinnamon-flavored whiskey that we only just discovered last year, a few months before I sobered up. And with the seasons turning right now, and the crisp scent of Autumn in the air, I had the thought, "Oh, a shot of that would be delightful for Fall. That will be really nice to have again. Maybe next year?" I realize it isn't typical, but I'm lucky enough that I haven't yet had to say to myself, "I can never drink again." I didn't fall that far. I just didn't pay attention to what I was doing, and then realized that I was drinking too much, and that it had gotten a little scary, and so decided that I needed to stop for a while; for some unspecified period of time of at least one year. And so I've never had to confront that issue, or deal with all the grief and loss of "I can never drink again." I'm fortunate enough that I've been able to say just, "Not now, maybe later." And this is just so much easier to handle on an emotional level. And that makes it easier to stay sober. Because I can kick that can of "later" down the road indefinitely.
And that's where I'm at right now, and where I've been for a while: I don't want to drink right now, and I'm looking forward to drinking again, later. Whether that "later" will ever actually come is a mystery to me. I honestly don't know. I imagine it will again, but no one knows what the future holds. I don't know who I'll be after spending my first year sober as an adult, and I don't want to project who I want that person to be. I want to find out myself along the way. And I remember that when I quit smoking pot for a year (that time I had planned from the beginning to do it for exactly one year, and then smoke again, and see how it affected me - I designed the whole experience as a personal experiment conducted on my own brain chemistry), at the end of that year, I found it really difficult to smoke again. I had built up so much momentum towards staying sober over the course of that year, that it was really hard to make myself suddenly switch directions and do the exact opposite. Yes, I did want to smoke again, but a huge part of me did not want to, as well. And in the end, what finally helped push me over the edge was that I had set out from the get-go to do it for exactly one year, and then do it again and see what happened, and I wanted to fulfill that original intent.
I don't have any set time-period of sobriety like that this time around. I don't have any line of demarcation that I'm going to cross at some point in the future that will tell me that it's time to stop being sober. (And that was intentional, based on the lessons learned in the experience I just mentioned above.) So, who knows how long this will last? Who knows when that "later" will come? Who knows if that "later" will ever actually come, at all?
And more to the point, whether it does or not is completely irrelevant. Because thinking about that ephemeral "later" - enjoying the idea of it, looking forward to it - helps me to remain sober now. And even better, it grants me the ability to do things like go out to bars with my wife, and actually be able to enjoy the experience, without struggling against my desires. It allows me to accept my desires, and still keep moving forward, comfortably, without having to indulge them.
And to my mind, that's gold. That's pure magick.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Return Of Blurble...
I WANT MY GODDAMN COMPUTER BACK!
There, I said it. Apologies for the caps lock.
I really need to write again. I'm feeling like such a useless slug. I can feel myself getting more and more stressed out every day without it. I even miss the pressure of feeling that I need to get something posted every day. That pressure is nothing compared to the stress of not having the time or the means to write.
I'm going to be in a cabin in the woods on the side of a mountain this weekend, and all I can think is, Goddammit, that would be such a perfect place to get some great writing done! But I won't be able to, because I need a computer for that. (I can't write by hand; my hand moves way too slow for my brain.)
I'm having no luck finding the brightside to this. It just feels wrong. It feels fucking unhealthy.
I just want my computer back.
There, I said it. Apologies for the caps lock.
I really need to write again. I'm feeling like such a useless slug. I can feel myself getting more and more stressed out every day without it. I even miss the pressure of feeling that I need to get something posted every day. That pressure is nothing compared to the stress of not having the time or the means to write.
I'm going to be in a cabin in the woods on the side of a mountain this weekend, and all I can think is, Goddammit, that would be such a perfect place to get some great writing done! But I won't be able to, because I need a computer for that. (I can't write by hand; my hand moves way too slow for my brain.)
I'm having no luck finding the brightside to this. It just feels wrong. It feels fucking unhealthy.
I just want my computer back.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Blurberry...
No internet at home for the next few weeks, while the computer's in the shop. (That's why this is my first post since Friday.)
No time to post at work today, or in the foreseeable future. Several urgent projects to work on, plus they're swapping out my machine on Wednesday for a new one with a new operating system that I don't know how to use (Windows 7). So, setting that up is going to take a day or two, at least.
So many things I want to talk about:
-my horrible weekend trying (and failing) to fix and re-format both of my laptops
-tomorrow's Transit of Venus (last one until 2117!)
-my new workout (started back with the weights this morning; "Arms. Like. NOODLES!")
This really fucking sucks. But I don't think there's anything I can do about it. So I guess I need to just accept it. And if I can do that, then the Brightside would be, enjoying the small, measure of relaxation and freedom afforded me by this temporary reprieve from my computer, and the internet, and my writing responsibilities.
"Make the most of it."
No time to post at work today, or in the foreseeable future. Several urgent projects to work on, plus they're swapping out my machine on Wednesday for a new one with a new operating system that I don't know how to use (Windows 7). So, setting that up is going to take a day or two, at least.
So many things I want to talk about:
-my horrible weekend trying (and failing) to fix and re-format both of my laptops
-tomorrow's Transit of Venus (last one until 2117!)
-my new workout (started back with the weights this morning; "Arms. Like. NOODLES!")
This really fucking sucks. But I don't think there's anything I can do about it. So I guess I need to just accept it. And if I can do that, then the Brightside would be, enjoying the small, measure of relaxation and freedom afforded me by this temporary reprieve from my computer, and the internet, and my writing responsibilities.
"Make the most of it."
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Waah...
Finally managed to make it out the door early enough this morning to get in a workout, but never actually got to work out.
I've discovered the one major flaw in my otherwise pleasant new backroad commute: accidents. On the highway, when there's an accident, it slows everything down considerably. But even if you're going much more slowly, you are still, at least, going. But on the backroad, being a mere two-lane, when there's an accident, it shuts down the entire road. On previous occasions, that has meant a sudden, unexpected detour, sending me off to gods-know-where, to try and find my way around the accident and back to my backroad, without having any clue as to where I am, or how to get where I'm going. This morning, however, it meant simply sitting in my car for forty-five minutes, not moving, listening to the radio, and watching my average miles-per-gallon tick-tick-tick steadily downwards.
In hindsight, I know that I should've spent that time enjoying the lovely scenery and the beautiful day, taking advantage of the rare opportunity to sit still and take it all in. After all, there was nothing I could do about it, so what was the point in being upset? But, honestly, that never even occurred to me. At the time, all I could think about were my plans and expectations once again being totally screwed up by random chance. It's becoming apparent that one of the many things I seem to have lost since Walpurgisnacht, is that relaxed, easy-going outlook. I keep finding myself getting more upset than I used to, more quickly and easily than I used to, and for longer stretches of time. And this is all very comfortable and familiar to me, because it's who I've been for most of my life. And while I always knew that my recently acquired state-of-grace wouldn't last forever, I thought it would last longer than it did, and that it would gradually taper off. I didn't anticipate the possibility that I would bring it to a sudden, and untimely, end.
I don't like this person I am right now very much. I like the person I've been the past few months a lot more. I'm very sad to see that person go. And even more so to know that it was my fault.
But, whatever, never mind, can't beat myself up about that. Need to try to keep moving forward, and looking on the bright side, if I'm to have any hope at all of getting that version of my Self back again. So, anyways, by the time I actually made it to the office, I no longer had time to get in a workout. But I still needed to clean myself up, as I was in my gym clothes and hadn't bothered to fix my bedhead this morning. (As mentioned previously, I'm going to work out and take a shower anyways, so why should I give a shit if I'm dressed nicely or if my hair is presentable?) So instead of a workout, I got to enjoy simply going down to the locker room, taking a quick shower, getting cleaned up and dressed, and then coming straight back to my office to start working.
And this was the part of the day I was actually looking forward to and expecting to go well. The rest of my schedule for the day looks to be no fun at all. So, here's hoping that I'm just as wrong with all of those expectations, as well, and the rest of my day turns out to be fun and exciting.
But even if not, then oh, well. There's always tomorrow.
Oh, wait. Tomorrow's kickball.
So, there's always Friday.
I've discovered the one major flaw in my otherwise pleasant new backroad commute: accidents. On the highway, when there's an accident, it slows everything down considerably. But even if you're going much more slowly, you are still, at least, going. But on the backroad, being a mere two-lane, when there's an accident, it shuts down the entire road. On previous occasions, that has meant a sudden, unexpected detour, sending me off to gods-know-where, to try and find my way around the accident and back to my backroad, without having any clue as to where I am, or how to get where I'm going. This morning, however, it meant simply sitting in my car for forty-five minutes, not moving, listening to the radio, and watching my average miles-per-gallon tick-tick-tick steadily downwards.
In hindsight, I know that I should've spent that time enjoying the lovely scenery and the beautiful day, taking advantage of the rare opportunity to sit still and take it all in. After all, there was nothing I could do about it, so what was the point in being upset? But, honestly, that never even occurred to me. At the time, all I could think about were my plans and expectations once again being totally screwed up by random chance. It's becoming apparent that one of the many things I seem to have lost since Walpurgisnacht, is that relaxed, easy-going outlook. I keep finding myself getting more upset than I used to, more quickly and easily than I used to, and for longer stretches of time. And this is all very comfortable and familiar to me, because it's who I've been for most of my life. And while I always knew that my recently acquired state-of-grace wouldn't last forever, I thought it would last longer than it did, and that it would gradually taper off. I didn't anticipate the possibility that I would bring it to a sudden, and untimely, end.
I don't like this person I am right now very much. I like the person I've been the past few months a lot more. I'm very sad to see that person go. And even more so to know that it was my fault.
But, whatever, never mind, can't beat myself up about that. Need to try to keep moving forward, and looking on the bright side, if I'm to have any hope at all of getting that version of my Self back again. So, anyways, by the time I actually made it to the office, I no longer had time to get in a workout. But I still needed to clean myself up, as I was in my gym clothes and hadn't bothered to fix my bedhead this morning. (As mentioned previously, I'm going to work out and take a shower anyways, so why should I give a shit if I'm dressed nicely or if my hair is presentable?) So instead of a workout, I got to enjoy simply going down to the locker room, taking a quick shower, getting cleaned up and dressed, and then coming straight back to my office to start working.
And this was the part of the day I was actually looking forward to and expecting to go well. The rest of my schedule for the day looks to be no fun at all. So, here's hoping that I'm just as wrong with all of those expectations, as well, and the rest of my day turns out to be fun and exciting.
But even if not, then oh, well. There's always tomorrow.
Oh, wait. Tomorrow's kickball.
So, there's always Friday.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Letting Go With The Flow...
Still really tired. Still no energy or motivation.
At least I made it to work today. Never made it to the gym, though.
Tomorrow's going to be a long day. I have a lot of work to do, and I have to leave early to make my addiction therapy session. And then I have a condo board meeting when I get home.
I'm trying not to worry about things I can't control. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying to just keep my head down and barrel forward and get it over and done with.
And I'm trying to follow Rule #32. I'll be home with Her in just an hour or so. I know I'll be able to find something in that to feel good about.
ADDENDUM: what's the Brightside here? I need to find the Brightside.
At least I made it to work today. Never made it to the gym, though.
Tomorrow's going to be a long day. I have a lot of work to do, and I have to leave early to make my addiction therapy session. And then I have a condo board meeting when I get home.
I'm trying not to worry about things I can't control. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying to just keep my head down and barrel forward and get it over and done with.
And I'm trying to follow Rule #32. I'll be home with Her in just an hour or so. I know I'll be able to find something in that to feel good about.
ADDENDUM: what's the Brightside here? I need to find the Brightside.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Pleasuring Myself, continued...
A reader left this comment on my post from yesterday, and I wanted to respond to it here, because I think it raises some interesting points that got me thinking about it a bit more:
I'm not sure I can agree with that. I'm not sure I should agree with that, for my own safety.
See, my problem is that, more often than not, that instinct or drive or need to pleasure myself, to make myself happy, has led me to do stupid, self-destructive things. On more than one occasion now, it has come close to killing me. And it's a virtual certainty that, if left unchecked, someday it will succeed. So pleasuring myself is my problem. And so I feel that, for my own good, I can't allow myself to just try to be as happy as possible moment-to-moment. Because what happens when the thing that will make me happy is also something that hurts me in some way?
So I feel like I need to do something to correct that behavior, that need to pleasure myself. And right now, I'm not sure that I actually am. Yes, it's true that I'm no longer indulging in those self-destructive pastimes at the moment, and that I've replaced them with more self-constructive activities, but I don't feel that I can take any credit for that. Because I didn't do anything to foster that change. The circumstances around me have changed, but I'm still responding to them in the same way I always have before. I still feel just as strong of a need to pleasure myself, it's just that the methods in which I want to achieve that pleasure are now different. As I said yesterday: before I wanted to get high and get off, so that's what I did, and now I want to meditate and study mathematics, so that's what I'm doing.
The root cause of my self-destructive behavior lies in that need to make myself feel as good as possible for as much of the time as possible. Yes, I'm now indulging that need in a constructive manner, but since I had no hand it actually making that happen and am only following where the flow takes me, then how can I trust in that and believe that I am now somehow "better?" I have put no Will into this. I am not behaving any differently, not really. I'm just responding to different stimulus in the same manner as before. So, what happens when the novelty wears off? What happens when I suddenly find that I'm not deriving the same amount of joy and satisfaction out of these healthy activities as I once did?
What happens when I finally do want to get high again?
Because that day will come, no question. And if I haven't done anything to correct the root cause of that desire, then how will I be able to resist it? And I guess that's the problem in a nutshell: I'm not resisting. Because for me, there's nothing to resist.
Most people in my situation (newly-sober addicts) are in a constant battle against their own desires. They are struggling against themselves to try and resist the urge to do the one thing they want to do more than anything else. And their entire recovery is built around that internal conflict. I know that I am an addict because I have experienced that conflict for more of my life than I care to admit, and because most of the times that I have fought those urges, I have lost. But that is not my experience now; that is not what I'm going through today. I'm not getting high right now because I do not want to get high right now. I am sober because, right now, I want to be sober. I have no urges to resist or fight against. They just disappeared, and I ran with it. And so that makes me feel like I'm not really doing the work. Like I'm not really getting any better. That I just got lucky. That I had a brief window of opportunity, and I seized on it.
But this is not going to last forever. Eventually, the winds of my desire are bound to blow back in the other direction again. And I'm going to need to know ahead of time how to respond when that happens, or else it's going to catch me off guard and I'm going to fall right back into the same self-destructive patterns that I feel so blessedly and falsely liberated from right now. But how can I possibly prepare for that? Should I be resisting every pleasurable desire I have, irrespective of de-structive vs. con-structive? Do I need to be living a monastic life? (Frankly, I'd rather OD.)
Maybe I just need to cross that bridge when I come to it. Maybe there's no point in worrying about it. Maybe I should just accept this period of productive activity for what it is, and be grateful that it came so easily to me. Maybe I should just focus on how lucky I am that I don't have to go through that struggle the way so many other addicts do.
And it would be so easy to do all of that, if only I felt in any way responsible for this change of fortune. If I just felt that I had some hand in bringing this release about, then I would know that I actually am resisting, that I am doing the work - just in my own unique way, outside the range of the typical experience. The same way I seem to do just about everything else.
Maybe that is true.
Could that be true?
No, I don't think so. I've fought hard before, and I've won. And I've fought hard, and lost. But this time, I wasn't even fighting at all. I had given in to my desires 100%. And even though I knew I was hurting myself badly I still didn't try to resist. I just didn't have it in me. But then I hit a bottom I hadn't even seen coming. And it scared the shit out of me. And I responded to that fear by running as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Basically, I scared myself straight.
How can I take credit for that?
I can't. I didn't really do anything. I got lucky.
But what I can do? I can be grateful. And oh, how I am.
And I can look on the bright side. I can make the most of it. I can do everything in my power to get as much out of this experience as I possibly can, for as long as it lasts. And if I'm lucky, and smart, then the things I learn during this temporary reprieve will prepare me to know what to do and how to respond when that inevitable day finally arrives, and my desires shift their poles again.
And that's gotta be enough.
Well I think the goal is to be happy moment by moment as much as you can. So what's the problem with pleasuring yourself? Just strive for getting outside your own ego as much as you can, and then you're still moving forward, I say.
I'm not sure I can agree with that. I'm not sure I should agree with that, for my own safety.
See, my problem is that, more often than not, that instinct or drive or need to pleasure myself, to make myself happy, has led me to do stupid, self-destructive things. On more than one occasion now, it has come close to killing me. And it's a virtual certainty that, if left unchecked, someday it will succeed. So pleasuring myself is my problem. And so I feel that, for my own good, I can't allow myself to just try to be as happy as possible moment-to-moment. Because what happens when the thing that will make me happy is also something that hurts me in some way?
So I feel like I need to do something to correct that behavior, that need to pleasure myself. And right now, I'm not sure that I actually am. Yes, it's true that I'm no longer indulging in those self-destructive pastimes at the moment, and that I've replaced them with more self-constructive activities, but I don't feel that I can take any credit for that. Because I didn't do anything to foster that change. The circumstances around me have changed, but I'm still responding to them in the same way I always have before. I still feel just as strong of a need to pleasure myself, it's just that the methods in which I want to achieve that pleasure are now different. As I said yesterday: before I wanted to get high and get off, so that's what I did, and now I want to meditate and study mathematics, so that's what I'm doing.
The root cause of my self-destructive behavior lies in that need to make myself feel as good as possible for as much of the time as possible. Yes, I'm now indulging that need in a constructive manner, but since I had no hand it actually making that happen and am only following where the flow takes me, then how can I trust in that and believe that I am now somehow "better?" I have put no Will into this. I am not behaving any differently, not really. I'm just responding to different stimulus in the same manner as before. So, what happens when the novelty wears off? What happens when I suddenly find that I'm not deriving the same amount of joy and satisfaction out of these healthy activities as I once did?
What happens when I finally do want to get high again?
Because that day will come, no question. And if I haven't done anything to correct the root cause of that desire, then how will I be able to resist it? And I guess that's the problem in a nutshell: I'm not resisting. Because for me, there's nothing to resist.
Most people in my situation (newly-sober addicts) are in a constant battle against their own desires. They are struggling against themselves to try and resist the urge to do the one thing they want to do more than anything else. And their entire recovery is built around that internal conflict. I know that I am an addict because I have experienced that conflict for more of my life than I care to admit, and because most of the times that I have fought those urges, I have lost. But that is not my experience now; that is not what I'm going through today. I'm not getting high right now because I do not want to get high right now. I am sober because, right now, I want to be sober. I have no urges to resist or fight against. They just disappeared, and I ran with it. And so that makes me feel like I'm not really doing the work. Like I'm not really getting any better. That I just got lucky. That I had a brief window of opportunity, and I seized on it.
But this is not going to last forever. Eventually, the winds of my desire are bound to blow back in the other direction again. And I'm going to need to know ahead of time how to respond when that happens, or else it's going to catch me off guard and I'm going to fall right back into the same self-destructive patterns that I feel so blessedly and falsely liberated from right now. But how can I possibly prepare for that? Should I be resisting every pleasurable desire I have, irrespective of de-structive vs. con-structive? Do I need to be living a monastic life? (Frankly, I'd rather OD.)
Maybe I just need to cross that bridge when I come to it. Maybe there's no point in worrying about it. Maybe I should just accept this period of productive activity for what it is, and be grateful that it came so easily to me. Maybe I should just focus on how lucky I am that I don't have to go through that struggle the way so many other addicts do.
And it would be so easy to do all of that, if only I felt in any way responsible for this change of fortune. If I just felt that I had some hand in bringing this release about, then I would know that I actually am resisting, that I am doing the work - just in my own unique way, outside the range of the typical experience. The same way I seem to do just about everything else.
Maybe that is true.
Could that be true?
No, I don't think so. I've fought hard before, and I've won. And I've fought hard, and lost. But this time, I wasn't even fighting at all. I had given in to my desires 100%. And even though I knew I was hurting myself badly I still didn't try to resist. I just didn't have it in me. But then I hit a bottom I hadn't even seen coming. And it scared the shit out of me. And I responded to that fear by running as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Basically, I scared myself straight.
How can I take credit for that?
I can't. I didn't really do anything. I got lucky.
But what I can do? I can be grateful. And oh, how I am.
And I can look on the bright side. I can make the most of it. I can do everything in my power to get as much out of this experience as I possibly can, for as long as it lasts. And if I'm lucky, and smart, then the things I learn during this temporary reprieve will prepare me to know what to do and how to respond when that inevitable day finally arrives, and my desires shift their poles again.
And that's gotta be enough.
Monday, April 16, 2012
A Big, Fat Case of the Mondays...
Today was one of those mornings where everything seems to go wrong.
I got up at 5:30 to try to get back to the gym before work. (Finally! I need it!) As I was getting ready, I was hit with a sudden attack of a severely upset stomach, and so by the time I managed to take care of that I was very late. Still, I wasn't down about it.
On my new, beauteous back road commute, I almost immediately found myself about 15th in line behind a very, very slow-moving dump truck. We're talking an average of 20 mph below the speed-limit here. The guy in the Subaru Imprezza behind him was riding his tail viciously, but for some reason, he wouldn't pass the truck. There were plenty of opportunities. And I know an Imprezza can outrun me, so I know it can pass a freaking dump truck. And the guy was obviously pissed off at going so slow, judging by his tailgating. So why wouldn't he pass the truck?? And, of course, being 15th in line, several people up front were going to need to pass before I was going to have any chance of making it myself. So, if they didn't pass, I couldn't pass. The truck didn't turn off the road until about two miles from my work. It was frustrating, but still, I didn't let it get to me.
Got to the office/gym late, but still with enough time to get in a workout. Got down to the gym, grabbed a locker, suited up, put everything else in the locker, clicked the lock closed... and realized that I no longer remembered the combination. I tried several combos that I thought might be it, but no dice. Ok, no problem - I've got the combo recorded on my computer upstairs in my office. ...But my office is locked, and the key is now locked in my gym locker. Damn. I spent the next fifteen minutes trying various combos I thought might be the one, but I couldn't find it. So, ok, that's pretty damn frustrating, and I feel like an idiot now, but still, nothing to get upset about really; just a minor glitch. Might as well get a workout in anyways. I'm all suited up for it, and I've got nothing else to do right now.
I haven't worked out in several months. In fact, I've gained back all of the weight I lost last Summer, plus a few pounds. And I haven't exactly been what you'd call "active" in the meantime. So, just fifteen minutes into my workout, I start to feel a tightening in my chest, and my left arm and shoulder start to hurt. Doesn't take a cardiologist to figure out what that means. So, ok, that's pretty scary, and a little daunting, but what's the sense in getting upset about it? I just stopped what I was doing and went into my cool-down a little early. No point in over-doing it. Gotta crawl before you can walk. Tomorrow, or someday soon, I'll be able to do twenty minutes, and then thirty, and that's how you get stronger.
So then my workout was over, and it was time to try and figure out what to do about my locker situation. By this point in the morning, our secretary is supposed to be in, and she has a skeleton key. So, I figured that I could just get her to let me into my office, get my combo, and then head back down to the gym to open up my locker and proceed with my post-workout clean-up. So I exit the gym and head up the stairs towards my office... until I get to the first locked door. My key card for opening our electronic security doors is on the same key ring as my office key, which previously mentioned is now locked in my gym locker. And I can't get back into the gym, because that door is electronically locked, as well. So, now I'm locked in a stairwell. Ok, so, clearly, this is not my day. But, it's early in the morning, someone is sure to be by soon. I'll just have to wait here for a little bit, that's all. I decided to take the opportunity to rest against a wall and have a morning meditation.
A note about my appearance: I honestly don't care what I look like while I work out. I don't bother to do my hair before my workout, because I'm just going to shower afterwards and have to do it again. So, I had wet, sweaty bedhead. And my workout clothes serve exactly one purpose: to keep me as cool and comfortable as possible while I'm working out. They are not meant to look attractive. My running shirt is thin and sleeveless, and you can clearly see my man-tits outlined against the... whatever the hell fabric that shirt is made of. And my shorts are, well, shorts; they do an excellent job of showing off my pasty-white, nearly hairless, and overly large legs.
Now, this is all fine, when I'm down in the gym and everyone else around me is also all sweaty and not-looking-their-best, but now I had to leave that specialized attire area, and venture out into the rest of the office. I felt a bit conspicuous, to say the least. After a few minutes, someone came along and let me in, and in short order I managed to get the skeleton key from our secretary, unlock my office, and retrieve the combo from my computer. (My earlier guesses hadn't even been close, by the way.) But now I had to get that knowledge back through all the electronically-locked security doors, and into the gym locker room.
I made my way down the back stairway and out into the parking garage, and around to the front door of the gym. I took this route specifically to avoid the more direct route, which would lead me straight through the crowded cafeteria where so many of my co-workers would be having breakfast right about now. But unbeknownst to me (because I always enter the gym through the back way), the main entrance into the gym lobby is also sealed with an electronic lock. And unlike the stairwell I was trapped in earlier, I can't expect someone to be coming by this way very soon. Almost everyone uses the back entrance, because it's attached to the office, the parking deck and the cafeteria; the front entrance is attached to the visitor parking lot. So, I'm going to need a new way in.
At this point, standing in my gym clothes on the front lawn, facing yet another locked door, the absurdity of the situation is beginning to sink in. I decide to see if the receptionist in the office building's main lobby (the one and only area of the our building that one can enter without a key card) would be able to let me into the gym. When she tells me she can't do that, I actually start to laugh. And not in a if-you-don't-laugh-you'll-cry kind of way, either. I was genuinely amused. I mean, how is this not funny at this point?
What the receptionist can do, she tells me, is to let me into the building so that I can go up through the cafeteria and down into the gym lobby that I was locked out of; then I should be able to knock on the door of the gym's workout area and get someone's attention to let me back in. She lets me into the building and I bypass the elevators and head up the stairwell, just like I normally do, thinking about the fact that I will now have to go through the cafeteria in my sweaty workout clothes, just as I'd been trying to avoid. Unfortunately, because I was thinking about that little unpleasantness, I failed to realize that I would, of course, need a key card in order to exit the stairwell and therefore enter the cafeteria. I did realize this as soon as I walked the three flights of stairs to the locked door, however.
So, I had to find my way out of the stairwell and into the parking garage, again, walk down the parking garage and out to the front of the building, again, and get the receptionist to let me into the lobby, again. I was actually enjoying myself by this point! As soon as I walked into the main lobby, the receptionist reminded me that I would need to take the elevators in order to reach the cafeteria without a key card, and I thanked her for delivering that information that would have been so useful five minutes earlier. But, after passing through the cafeteria, and enduring some disgusted stares, I finally made it back into the gym, and managed to open my locker. I almost danced the Dance of Joy on the spot.
But after my shower, as I was getting dressed, I realized something important. After that whole ridiculous comedy of errors that was my Monday morning, I felt great. I was happy. I wasn't frustrated or upset or irritated or anxious or any of the things I would've predicted I'd have felt after going through all of this. Throughout the entire ordeal, I naturally responded in a completely different way than I normally would have, without trying to. I had Brightsided my way through a rather hellish Monday morning and into a fabulous mood, without having to think about it once.
And here I thought this day couldn't get any better.
I got up at 5:30 to try to get back to the gym before work. (Finally! I need it!) As I was getting ready, I was hit with a sudden attack of a severely upset stomach, and so by the time I managed to take care of that I was very late. Still, I wasn't down about it.
On my new, beauteous back road commute, I almost immediately found myself about 15th in line behind a very, very slow-moving dump truck. We're talking an average of 20 mph below the speed-limit here. The guy in the Subaru Imprezza behind him was riding his tail viciously, but for some reason, he wouldn't pass the truck. There were plenty of opportunities. And I know an Imprezza can outrun me, so I know it can pass a freaking dump truck. And the guy was obviously pissed off at going so slow, judging by his tailgating. So why wouldn't he pass the truck?? And, of course, being 15th in line, several people up front were going to need to pass before I was going to have any chance of making it myself. So, if they didn't pass, I couldn't pass. The truck didn't turn off the road until about two miles from my work. It was frustrating, but still, I didn't let it get to me.
Got to the office/gym late, but still with enough time to get in a workout. Got down to the gym, grabbed a locker, suited up, put everything else in the locker, clicked the lock closed... and realized that I no longer remembered the combination. I tried several combos that I thought might be it, but no dice. Ok, no problem - I've got the combo recorded on my computer upstairs in my office. ...But my office is locked, and the key is now locked in my gym locker. Damn. I spent the next fifteen minutes trying various combos I thought might be the one, but I couldn't find it. So, ok, that's pretty damn frustrating, and I feel like an idiot now, but still, nothing to get upset about really; just a minor glitch. Might as well get a workout in anyways. I'm all suited up for it, and I've got nothing else to do right now.
I haven't worked out in several months. In fact, I've gained back all of the weight I lost last Summer, plus a few pounds. And I haven't exactly been what you'd call "active" in the meantime. So, just fifteen minutes into my workout, I start to feel a tightening in my chest, and my left arm and shoulder start to hurt. Doesn't take a cardiologist to figure out what that means. So, ok, that's pretty scary, and a little daunting, but what's the sense in getting upset about it? I just stopped what I was doing and went into my cool-down a little early. No point in over-doing it. Gotta crawl before you can walk. Tomorrow, or someday soon, I'll be able to do twenty minutes, and then thirty, and that's how you get stronger.
So then my workout was over, and it was time to try and figure out what to do about my locker situation. By this point in the morning, our secretary is supposed to be in, and she has a skeleton key. So, I figured that I could just get her to let me into my office, get my combo, and then head back down to the gym to open up my locker and proceed with my post-workout clean-up. So I exit the gym and head up the stairs towards my office... until I get to the first locked door. My key card for opening our electronic security doors is on the same key ring as my office key, which previously mentioned is now locked in my gym locker. And I can't get back into the gym, because that door is electronically locked, as well. So, now I'm locked in a stairwell. Ok, so, clearly, this is not my day. But, it's early in the morning, someone is sure to be by soon. I'll just have to wait here for a little bit, that's all. I decided to take the opportunity to rest against a wall and have a morning meditation.
A note about my appearance: I honestly don't care what I look like while I work out. I don't bother to do my hair before my workout, because I'm just going to shower afterwards and have to do it again. So, I had wet, sweaty bedhead. And my workout clothes serve exactly one purpose: to keep me as cool and comfortable as possible while I'm working out. They are not meant to look attractive. My running shirt is thin and sleeveless, and you can clearly see my man-tits outlined against the... whatever the hell fabric that shirt is made of. And my shorts are, well, shorts; they do an excellent job of showing off my pasty-white, nearly hairless, and overly large legs.
Now, this is all fine, when I'm down in the gym and everyone else around me is also all sweaty and not-looking-their-best, but now I had to leave that specialized attire area, and venture out into the rest of the office. I felt a bit conspicuous, to say the least. After a few minutes, someone came along and let me in, and in short order I managed to get the skeleton key from our secretary, unlock my office, and retrieve the combo from my computer. (My earlier guesses hadn't even been close, by the way.) But now I had to get that knowledge back through all the electronically-locked security doors, and into the gym locker room.
I made my way down the back stairway and out into the parking garage, and around to the front door of the gym. I took this route specifically to avoid the more direct route, which would lead me straight through the crowded cafeteria where so many of my co-workers would be having breakfast right about now. But unbeknownst to me (because I always enter the gym through the back way), the main entrance into the gym lobby is also sealed with an electronic lock. And unlike the stairwell I was trapped in earlier, I can't expect someone to be coming by this way very soon. Almost everyone uses the back entrance, because it's attached to the office, the parking deck and the cafeteria; the front entrance is attached to the visitor parking lot. So, I'm going to need a new way in.
At this point, standing in my gym clothes on the front lawn, facing yet another locked door, the absurdity of the situation is beginning to sink in. I decide to see if the receptionist in the office building's main lobby (the one and only area of the our building that one can enter without a key card) would be able to let me into the gym. When she tells me she can't do that, I actually start to laugh. And not in a if-you-don't-laugh-you'll-cry kind of way, either. I was genuinely amused. I mean, how is this not funny at this point?
What the receptionist can do, she tells me, is to let me into the building so that I can go up through the cafeteria and down into the gym lobby that I was locked out of; then I should be able to knock on the door of the gym's workout area and get someone's attention to let me back in. She lets me into the building and I bypass the elevators and head up the stairwell, just like I normally do, thinking about the fact that I will now have to go through the cafeteria in my sweaty workout clothes, just as I'd been trying to avoid. Unfortunately, because I was thinking about that little unpleasantness, I failed to realize that I would, of course, need a key card in order to exit the stairwell and therefore enter the cafeteria. I did realize this as soon as I walked the three flights of stairs to the locked door, however.
So, I had to find my way out of the stairwell and into the parking garage, again, walk down the parking garage and out to the front of the building, again, and get the receptionist to let me into the lobby, again. I was actually enjoying myself by this point! As soon as I walked into the main lobby, the receptionist reminded me that I would need to take the elevators in order to reach the cafeteria without a key card, and I thanked her for delivering that information that would have been so useful five minutes earlier. But, after passing through the cafeteria, and enduring some disgusted stares, I finally made it back into the gym, and managed to open my locker. I almost danced the Dance of Joy on the spot.
But after my shower, as I was getting dressed, I realized something important. After that whole ridiculous comedy of errors that was my Monday morning, I felt great. I was happy. I wasn't frustrated or upset or irritated or anxious or any of the things I would've predicted I'd have felt after going through all of this. Throughout the entire ordeal, I naturally responded in a completely different way than I normally would have, without trying to. I had Brightsided my way through a rather hellish Monday morning and into a fabulous mood, without having to think about it once.
And here I thought this day couldn't get any better.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Tao of Yin Becoming Yang...
Yesterday was a really, really bad day, and not just because of Mr. Squirrel. That was, unfortunately, only the beginning. In fact, yesterday was a continuing escalation of a bad day that had really started the day before.
My computer crashed yesterday morning. Again. And crashed, and crashed, and crashed all day, and nothing I did helped at all. In fact, every single one of my personal computing devices has died in the last week. My smartphone died on Friday, and I'm still trying to find the time to get back to the store before they close in the evening to pick up a new one. On Sunday, my internet at home crapped out, and didn't come back up again until Tuesday evening, after I reset and reconfigured every single part of it. And for the last couple of days, my work machine has been dying a slow, painful death, as well. I feel like I've spent my entire week just trying to get my computers, which I rely on so much for the functioning of my everyday life, to simply fucking work.
I ended up spending almost my entire day yesterday trying to fix my work computer. Of course, I couldn't get any of my work done while I was doing this. But that doesn't magickally push any of my deadlines back, either. So every hour I spent trying to fix my machine was an hour that I no longer had to get any of my work done, and I was very aware of this in the moment. And every time I tried to fix the problem, and failed, my frustration, aggravation, and stress levels rose.
I tried to find the Joy in my situation, but I just couldn't overcome the negative things I was feeling. Even the fact that in trying to fix my problem I was learning all sorts of new things (normally an almost sensual pleasure for me) about the coding and configuration behind-the-scenes of my web browser wasn't enough to make me feel better in the face of ACH! FUCK! WHY WON'T MY COMPUTER WORK?!
I felt like a failure. I'd barely made it a week, and here I was, losing my sense of Joy already. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but I honestly thought I could make it last longer than that. And then I realized that feeling like a failure for not living up to the spirit of UT #3, was also contradictory to the spirit of ManniMoonYin's Universal Tautology #2, "You cannot be good. You cannot be bad. You can only be." Which, ironically, only made me feel like more of a failure.
But this morning was the beginning of a new day. And I awoke with a fresh perspective.
What I realize as I observe all of this, is the Tao of Yin Becoming Yang.
You can't be happy constantly, all the time. It's not that it is impossible to accomplish, but rather that if you're happy all the time, then eventually it ceases to be "happy" and becomes simply "normal." Yin and Yang combining to form the Tao symbolizes that we live in a world of duality. Or, rather, that our perception of the world is a dual one. We can only distinguish something in terms of its opposite. We only know what "happiness" is, because of "unhappiness," and vice versa. Without "happiness" there is no "unhappiness," and vice versa. So, in order to maintain happiness, it must occasionally be tempered with some unhappiness. I realize now that the goal of UT #3 is not to be happy all the time, forever. It is simply to be as happy as possible, as much of the time as possible, and to learn to let the unhappiness come and go when it must, without attachment, and to recognize it as essential to continued happiness.
In that sense, yesterday was actually a success for me. Not because I got upset. But because when I was upset, and when it became clear to me that I was not going to be able to Brightside my way out of these feelings, I responded by trying to let them go and not hang on to them, and by trying to remain calm and simply deal with the problem at hand without letting myself get all worked up about it. I reminded myself that, "Yes, this sucks, but it's not the end of the world. And sometimes things suck, and that is just a fact of living. So, there's nothing to do but try to let it go, and focus on the problem at hand." And I remembered UT #1, the "Primary Directive" (I totally just thought that up - no, really): "All things that Are, are Change." In other words, "This too, shall pass."
And it did.
My computer crashed yesterday morning. Again. And crashed, and crashed, and crashed all day, and nothing I did helped at all. In fact, every single one of my personal computing devices has died in the last week. My smartphone died on Friday, and I'm still trying to find the time to get back to the store before they close in the evening to pick up a new one. On Sunday, my internet at home crapped out, and didn't come back up again until Tuesday evening, after I reset and reconfigured every single part of it. And for the last couple of days, my work machine has been dying a slow, painful death, as well. I feel like I've spent my entire week just trying to get my computers, which I rely on so much for the functioning of my everyday life, to simply fucking work.
I ended up spending almost my entire day yesterday trying to fix my work computer. Of course, I couldn't get any of my work done while I was doing this. But that doesn't magickally push any of my deadlines back, either. So every hour I spent trying to fix my machine was an hour that I no longer had to get any of my work done, and I was very aware of this in the moment. And every time I tried to fix the problem, and failed, my frustration, aggravation, and stress levels rose.
I tried to find the Joy in my situation, but I just couldn't overcome the negative things I was feeling. Even the fact that in trying to fix my problem I was learning all sorts of new things (normally an almost sensual pleasure for me) about the coding and configuration behind-the-scenes of my web browser wasn't enough to make me feel better in the face of ACH! FUCK! WHY WON'T MY COMPUTER WORK?!
I felt like a failure. I'd barely made it a week, and here I was, losing my sense of Joy already. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but I honestly thought I could make it last longer than that. And then I realized that feeling like a failure for not living up to the spirit of UT #3, was also contradictory to the spirit of ManniMoonYin's Universal Tautology #2, "You cannot be good. You cannot be bad. You can only be." Which, ironically, only made me feel like more of a failure.
But this morning was the beginning of a new day. And I awoke with a fresh perspective.
What I realize as I observe all of this, is the Tao of Yin Becoming Yang.
You can't be happy constantly, all the time. It's not that it is impossible to accomplish, but rather that if you're happy all the time, then eventually it ceases to be "happy" and becomes simply "normal." Yin and Yang combining to form the Tao symbolizes that we live in a world of duality. Or, rather, that our perception of the world is a dual one. We can only distinguish something in terms of its opposite. We only know what "happiness" is, because of "unhappiness," and vice versa. Without "happiness" there is no "unhappiness," and vice versa. So, in order to maintain happiness, it must occasionally be tempered with some unhappiness. I realize now that the goal of UT #3 is not to be happy all the time, forever. It is simply to be as happy as possible, as much of the time as possible, and to learn to let the unhappiness come and go when it must, without attachment, and to recognize it as essential to continued happiness.
In that sense, yesterday was actually a success for me. Not because I got upset. But because when I was upset, and when it became clear to me that I was not going to be able to Brightside my way out of these feelings, I responded by trying to let them go and not hang on to them, and by trying to remain calm and simply deal with the problem at hand without letting myself get all worked up about it. I reminded myself that, "Yes, this sucks, but it's not the end of the world. And sometimes things suck, and that is just a fact of living. So, there's nothing to do but try to let it go, and focus on the problem at hand." And I remembered UT #1, the "Primary Directive" (I totally just thought that up - no, really): "All things that Are, are Change." In other words, "This too, shall pass."
And it did.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Brightsiding...
I'd wanted to write something about Spring, today being Eostre, the Vernal Equinox.
But I'm not feeling it.
What I am feeling today, is frustrated. And I'm still going with the flow, so here we go...
Today's just been one of those days. Everything that can go wrong, seemingly is. My smartphone just up and died last Friday night. The replacement arrived yesterday, but I couldn't make it back to the store before they closed. Was going to pick it up tonight instead, but as soon as I got into the office this morning, I was reminded that I volunteered for a CPR class this evening after work, so I won't be able to make it back to the store in time again, which means I'll be without a phone for another day. My browser crashed my computer, costing me 45 minutes of my day that I desperately needed in order to get some of my work done trying to fix it. Run to the bathroom real quick, there's an Out-of-Order sign on the door. Run upstairs to use that bathroom instead, and the door slams back on a wound-too-tightly hinge, and the door handle nails me right in the middle of my forearm. Go to get coffee, and the pot is empty, and no one has started another one brewing. And I could keep going, but I'll stop there.
With each and every one of these little annoyances thrown in my way, I am reminded of ManniMoonYin's Universal Tautology #3: "Look on the bright side. Make the most of it. Choose joy, and you will be joyous."
I'm trying. I really am. As soon as I realize that I'm pissed off or upset about some minor injustice committed against me by the universe, I say to myself, "Ok, what's the brightside here?" And then I try to think of the situation in those terms, instead of in terms of getting fucked by fate.
Another day without my phone? Brightside - learning life-saving techinques in a CPR class. Bathroom out of order? Brightside - get to walk a little farther, and up a flight of stairs, burning a few extra calories. Door handle cracks me on the arm? Brightside - the pain helps to toughen me up and gain endurance. Have to brew another pot of coffee? Brightside - get to spend a few minutes just standing still, relaxing, listening to the slow gurgle of the machine as it brews. And, of course, each and every one of those difficulties also carries the implicit Brightside of giving me another opportunity to practice looking on the brightside.
But it's not always that easy. From past experience, I remember that some of the hardest moments to maintain UT #3 were when the brightside wasn't so obvious. Like losing an hour's worth of working time dealing with a computer crash. It's hard to figure out how to be happy about that. And somehow, the fact that it's an excellent opportunity to practice brightsiding doesn't really make up for the amount of frustration and aggravation I feel.
Sometimes, the answer becomes clear after a while, if you're patient, and attentive. As in this case, when I restarted my browser (which had caused the crash), and, miracle of Miracles, I somehow hadn't lost all of my tabs and settings! The relief that I felt just then was a wonderful physical sensation, and I allowed myself to just sink into the delicious feeling of it, like a hit, or an afterglow. It was fantastic.
Or, perhaps a better example would be my mother's death. The pain was devastating at first, and it was years before I could see how it was actually a good thing to have happened. As much as we didn't want to admit it at the time, and as much as we didn't listen to her when she told us, the truth was that she was crazy, and she was in a lot of pain, and she was devastating our family. And she knew that. And her suicide was, at least in part, the ultimate act of love. She sacrificed herself to save our family. And she did save our family. All of the happiness and joy in life that we have experienced since her death we owe, at least in part, to her.
(Broswer just crashed my computer again as I was writing this. Brightside - an opportunity to practice patience and acceptance. I didn't do very well, but at least I had the opportunity to try.)
But the hardest times of all, are when I try, but simply fail to imagine any brightside at all. I think and I stretch and I reach and I try my hardest to come up with something, anything that could serve as a potentially beneficial outcome to some unpleasant turn of events, but I just can't come up with anything. Or nothing I come up with is good enough. It's times like that, I have to learn to trust.
The Christians would call that "faith" - belief stemming from a will to believe, rather than knowledge or fact. But I don't use that word for this, and not just because I want to avoid all the xtian baggage that comes with it. It's also just not what I mean. Because, believe it or not, I actually consider myself to be a skeptic. I know that might seem contradictory and hard to believe, considering some of the whacked-out, mystical, some might even say superstitious things I believe. But I would call myself a skeptical believer.
Yes, I believe in magick. I believe that I (or, really, anyone, for that matter) can affect changes in consensus reality through non-local means. But I don't believe that just because I want to believe it. Yes, I wanted to believe that magick was real and possible and that I could learn to do it. But I didn't know if that was true or not. And so I spent years and years studying and practicing and testing and experimenting. And it was only after repeated, verifiable success after repeated, verifiable success that I was finally able to accept that yes, magick is actually possible.
So, yes, I believe. But only because I was able to prove it to myself beyond all shadows of my doubt. Hence, I'm a "skeptical believer."
And so, when I get in these situations where I cannot imagine any brightside to my misfortune, it is not faith that I rely on, but trust. I fall back on all my past experiences where I have felt the Way, the Flow, the Tao, and remember how in those mystical moments the path has appeared in front of me from out of nowhere, brick-by-brick at my feet. I remember every instance of hindsight realization, where I find that though I didn't get what I wanted, I got exactly what I needed, even when I didn't know that I needed it. I remember every time that I didn't know what to do, and so followed my instincts for lack of any other response, only to find that my instincts had led me to do exactly what needed to be done. I remember all of these moments and I remember how these lessons have been reinforced through experience over and over and over and over again throughout my entire life, even before I'd ever heard of "The Tao" - and I trust in that feeling. It has never failed me. Not once.
And, honestly, in those moments when I'm lost in the pain or sadness of it all, it's not the trusting that's the hard part. It's remembering to trust in the first place. Because we're told our whole lives that these things aren't possible. That you aren't supposed to believe in them. And that, if you do, you're crazy, or broken, or sick, or in some other way wrong.
I guess in that way, I'm lucky. Because I've never given a fuck what anyone else has to say about what's right, or what's wrong, or what's true.
And that is my Tao of Choosing Joy to be Joyful.
But I'm not feeling it.
What I am feeling today, is frustrated. And I'm still going with the flow, so here we go...
Today's just been one of those days. Everything that can go wrong, seemingly is. My smartphone just up and died last Friday night. The replacement arrived yesterday, but I couldn't make it back to the store before they closed. Was going to pick it up tonight instead, but as soon as I got into the office this morning, I was reminded that I volunteered for a CPR class this evening after work, so I won't be able to make it back to the store in time again, which means I'll be without a phone for another day. My browser crashed my computer, costing me 45 minutes of my day that I desperately needed in order to get some of my work done trying to fix it. Run to the bathroom real quick, there's an Out-of-Order sign on the door. Run upstairs to use that bathroom instead, and the door slams back on a wound-too-tightly hinge, and the door handle nails me right in the middle of my forearm. Go to get coffee, and the pot is empty, and no one has started another one brewing. And I could keep going, but I'll stop there.
With each and every one of these little annoyances thrown in my way, I am reminded of ManniMoonYin's Universal Tautology #3: "Look on the bright side. Make the most of it. Choose joy, and you will be joyous."
I'm trying. I really am. As soon as I realize that I'm pissed off or upset about some minor injustice committed against me by the universe, I say to myself, "Ok, what's the brightside here?" And then I try to think of the situation in those terms, instead of in terms of getting fucked by fate.
Another day without my phone? Brightside - learning life-saving techinques in a CPR class. Bathroom out of order? Brightside - get to walk a little farther, and up a flight of stairs, burning a few extra calories. Door handle cracks me on the arm? Brightside - the pain helps to toughen me up and gain endurance. Have to brew another pot of coffee? Brightside - get to spend a few minutes just standing still, relaxing, listening to the slow gurgle of the machine as it brews. And, of course, each and every one of those difficulties also carries the implicit Brightside of giving me another opportunity to practice looking on the brightside.
But it's not always that easy. From past experience, I remember that some of the hardest moments to maintain UT #3 were when the brightside wasn't so obvious. Like losing an hour's worth of working time dealing with a computer crash. It's hard to figure out how to be happy about that. And somehow, the fact that it's an excellent opportunity to practice brightsiding doesn't really make up for the amount of frustration and aggravation I feel.
Sometimes, the answer becomes clear after a while, if you're patient, and attentive. As in this case, when I restarted my browser (which had caused the crash), and, miracle of Miracles, I somehow hadn't lost all of my tabs and settings! The relief that I felt just then was a wonderful physical sensation, and I allowed myself to just sink into the delicious feeling of it, like a hit, or an afterglow. It was fantastic.
Or, perhaps a better example would be my mother's death. The pain was devastating at first, and it was years before I could see how it was actually a good thing to have happened. As much as we didn't want to admit it at the time, and as much as we didn't listen to her when she told us, the truth was that she was crazy, and she was in a lot of pain, and she was devastating our family. And she knew that. And her suicide was, at least in part, the ultimate act of love. She sacrificed herself to save our family. And she did save our family. All of the happiness and joy in life that we have experienced since her death we owe, at least in part, to her.
(Broswer just crashed my computer again as I was writing this. Brightside - an opportunity to practice patience and acceptance. I didn't do very well, but at least I had the opportunity to try.)
But the hardest times of all, are when I try, but simply fail to imagine any brightside at all. I think and I stretch and I reach and I try my hardest to come up with something, anything that could serve as a potentially beneficial outcome to some unpleasant turn of events, but I just can't come up with anything. Or nothing I come up with is good enough. It's times like that, I have to learn to trust.
The Christians would call that "faith" - belief stemming from a will to believe, rather than knowledge or fact. But I don't use that word for this, and not just because I want to avoid all the xtian baggage that comes with it. It's also just not what I mean. Because, believe it or not, I actually consider myself to be a skeptic. I know that might seem contradictory and hard to believe, considering some of the whacked-out, mystical, some might even say superstitious things I believe. But I would call myself a skeptical believer.
Yes, I believe in magick. I believe that I (or, really, anyone, for that matter) can affect changes in consensus reality through non-local means. But I don't believe that just because I want to believe it. Yes, I wanted to believe that magick was real and possible and that I could learn to do it. But I didn't know if that was true or not. And so I spent years and years studying and practicing and testing and experimenting. And it was only after repeated, verifiable success after repeated, verifiable success that I was finally able to accept that yes, magick is actually possible.
So, yes, I believe. But only because I was able to prove it to myself beyond all shadows of my doubt. Hence, I'm a "skeptical believer."
And so, when I get in these situations where I cannot imagine any brightside to my misfortune, it is not faith that I rely on, but trust. I fall back on all my past experiences where I have felt the Way, the Flow, the Tao, and remember how in those mystical moments the path has appeared in front of me from out of nowhere, brick-by-brick at my feet. I remember every instance of hindsight realization, where I find that though I didn't get what I wanted, I got exactly what I needed, even when I didn't know that I needed it. I remember every time that I didn't know what to do, and so followed my instincts for lack of any other response, only to find that my instincts had led me to do exactly what needed to be done. I remember all of these moments and I remember how these lessons have been reinforced through experience over and over and over and over again throughout my entire life, even before I'd ever heard of "The Tao" - and I trust in that feeling. It has never failed me. Not once.
And, honestly, in those moments when I'm lost in the pain or sadness of it all, it's not the trusting that's the hard part. It's remembering to trust in the first place. Because we're told our whole lives that these things aren't possible. That you aren't supposed to believe in them. And that, if you do, you're crazy, or broken, or sick, or in some other way wrong.
I guess in that way, I'm lucky. Because I've never given a fuck what anyone else has to say about what's right, or what's wrong, or what's true.
And that is my Tao of Choosing Joy to be Joyful.
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