My Precious...

I keep forgetting that this all started with Her.

Amid all the psychodrama and melodramatic, existential bullshit at my latest rock bottom, I keep losing sight of how I ended up there in the first place.  Of the reason why I started running head-long toward the dark at the end of the tunnel at all.  And equally, in the effervescence of all of my recently re-discovered joys, in the heady excitement of my bright, shiny new serenity, I also keep losing sight of the fact that, that reason is now gone.  That I got what I wanted all along.

That I'm so in love with Her.

Yes, it's Spring, and that certainly has to be factored into the equation.  But that doesn't make anything I'm feeling less relevant, or any less real.  For months, and maybe longer, I felt like I'd lost her.  (I realize now, I'd actually lost myself.)  I couldn't find any reason to be with her, except momentum.  I couldn't find any joy in her company, in her touch, or in her place in my life.  I realize now that I couldn't find any joy in anything in my life just then, but at the time I was completely focused on her.  I thought that We were the problem, that something was wrong with Us that needed to be fixed.  That if she could only change, or if I could only learn to be happy without the things I felt I needed from her, then everything would be better.  But it never was.  It was never good enough.  Nothing was ever good enough.  And I only ended up more unhappy, and more lost.

I believe my biggest flaw (and I have so many), is how I respond in these situations.  When I cannot find joy in my life, when I feel lost and alone, when I begin to struggle to find a reason to keep going, I force-feed myself artificial pleasure in the form of deadly poisons.  Now, to be fair, most of the time it's not like that.  In fact, I'd say 99% of the time it's just a little here, a little there - just having a good time and blowing off a little steam.  And nothing that's even really dangerous, let alone deadly.  Under any other circumstance, it's all innocent and under control.  No, not "under control," because the truth is that for most of the time, there's nothing there that even needs to be controlled in the first place.  But then there's that fatal 1% of the time, when I feel like I have nothing.  And believing I have nothing, and feeling that it's all downhill from there anyways, then I might as well enjoy the ride.  And that's when I push the plunger on my self-destruct button.

And that's exactly what I did here.  I'd made her my entire life, in about the most self-destructive, co-dependent manner imaginable.  And so when I felt like I'd lost her, I felt like I'd lost everything.  I hadn't, but I couldn't see that from the bottom of the hole I had dug myself into.  And when I finally hit bottom, I wasn't even thinking of saving myself from myself.  I still hadn't even realized that I was the problem.  I thought I was trying to save my marriage.  I thought I was trying to find a way to live with her.  But I was just trying to find a way to live.

And now I'm so happy, and so overjoyed with every second of every day, blah blah blah.  The high of the near-death experience.  And it's all such a big distraction, so constantly overwhelming, that I keep forgetting to pay attention specifically to all that I've re-gained with her.

My heart beats faster when I think of her now.  It actually skips when she kisses me.  Can you fucking believe that?  I didn't think that was possible anymore!  Everything she does makes me happy right now.  Even the things I used to think I couldn't stand.  I don't know how I ever felt any other way than I do right now.  I'm so grateful for the gift of her life, and the fact that she actually, improbably, inexplicably, wants to share it with me.  I look forward to seeing her every day in a way I only distantly remember feeling, long ago.  I ache softly inside when I have to leave her.  When I make her laugh, I own the fucking world.  And when my hands are on her hips, and I pull her to me, and feel every curve of her pressed against my body, I am lost again.  But no longer in darkness.  Lost in the cloudy depths of her palest-blue eyes.  Lost in the scent of her skin.  Lost in my lust to reunite with the other half of me.  Lost in the warm, comfortable weight of the life we've made, wrapped around us, holding us tightly together.  Lost in my joy of Her.

I hold no delusions that this will last forever.  Rule #1:  everything, everyone, everywhere, ends.  But because I know that right now, I am more grateful than I ever thought possible, for every single second I get to be with her.  And I remember now, what I had so tragically forgotten:

That She is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

And that no matter whatever else I may be in my life, the one and only thing I will always be, forever, is Her's.