Pleasuring Myself...

How's that for a provocative title, huh?

But, seriously, I've been realizing lately that I'm still exhibiting the same pattern of behavior that I'm currently trying to break out of.  I'm still spending the vast majority of my time every day pleasuring myself.  The only difference is that now I'm pleasuring myself in ways that are generally more beneficial.

I'm eating good and good-for-me food instead of fried, microwaved, and/or bar food.  But not because I've made some self-sacrificing commitment to eat better.  I'm doing it because I'm craving fruits and vegetables and yogurts and other nutritious food, and because eating the heavy, calorie- and fat-laden foods I used to love now makes me ill.  So, I'm still doing exactly what I want; it's just that what I want has changed.  So, am I really doing anything differently?

I'm still pleasuring myself all the time.  But instead of doing it physically or chemically with sex and drugs, I'm doing it mentally, emotionally, and creatively by studying subjects that interest me, reading books that move and/or stimulate me, and by writing whatever I feel like at the time here on a regular basis.  (And I guess physically, as well, by eating healthy foods.)  But again, it's not because I've made some difficult life-decision to try to become a better person.  It's just that this is what I want to do now.  I'm still doing exactly what I want.  I wanted to get high and get off before, so that's what I did; and now I want to study mathematics and meditate, so that's what I'm doing.

I have not yet even made an attempt to resist my desires.

So, the question is, have I really changed at all?

And if I'm being healthy and productive, then does it even matter?

I guess we'll find out soon enough.