Things I Never Thought I'd Hear Myself Say...

Finally got back to the gym this morning.  I was so excited and so happy to finally be working out again!  It's been over two weeks since my last workout, and I've been feeling like a giant, fat, useless slug of a human being the whole time.  I'm really, really happy to finally be back in my routine.

I'm tired of getting high, quite honestly.  I'm really fucking tired of this cycle, and I want out.  I get clean for a few months, and then I use again.  Ultimately, this is what I would like - to be able to use on occasion.  But years of chronic abuse have made that impossible for the time being, because right now, whenever I use at all, even a little bit, even after several months clean, I'm immediately plunged into a multi-week depression.  Part of it is simply chemical - the drugs have caused my brain to stop producing the chemicals that would make me happy.  But part of it is also situational.  I enjoy my routine.  I like getting up early, I like working out, I like getting home and to bed at reasonable times, I like writing here and meditating and all the rest of it.  When I'm doing these things, I'm happy, I'm strong, I sleep well, I have energy to spare, and, most importanly, I feel good about myself.  But when I'm depressed, and have no focus, and no energy, and no creativity, I can't do any of those things, and then that depresses me even more.  And then I eat, because it seems like the only enjoyable thing in my life that I can still control, but even that ends up depressing me more, because I swear I can actually feel myself getting fat.

My only saving grace so far has been that I hate that feeling of depression so much, that the second it begins to wane at all, I immediately start clawing my way out of that hole like my life depended on it.  Which, I guess it kind of does, without being too dramatic about it.  Maybe not my actual living, but certainly the quality of my life.

Oh, well.  I'm re-hashing old material at this point.  Learning the exact same lessons over and over again.  Maybe this time it'll stick.

In the meantime, I'm just glad to finally be climbing out of the hole of the last two weeks.  Glad to be back in my routine, and glad to finally be doing something other than sleeping, eating, or playing video games.  (Have to say, though, God of War 3 and Bioshock were pretty fucking fun.)

It's only a first step, and one I've taken more times than I'd like to admit, but still, it feels good.  And here's hoping it's the beginning of a trend; a sign of what's to come.