Friendships In Chaos, pt. 3...

It happens to everyone in recovery, at some point.

After sobering up, you run into an old friend, and realize that they have the same problem.

Maybe it's a new development.  Or maybe they've always been an addict or alcoholic, but you just couldn't see it before, through the rose-tinted glasses of your own addictions.  Either way, the question you now have to face is:  what do you do?

When I got together with my old Temple last weekend, it was immediately obvious to me that in the last couple of years, while I was away, one of my old friends has become an alcoholic.  The first thing I noticed, as soon as I saw him, was that he's put on at least fifty pounds.  He's always been a thin, handsome guy, so the weight is really apparent now.  But he doesn't look fat; he just looks bloated.  When I got there, he was finishing up a scotch.  I assume it was his first, but I don't really know, because as soon as he finished that one, he poured himself another.  And twenty minutes later, when he'd finished that one, he poured himself a third.  Then we went out to dinner, where he had a 32 oz. beer, and two large bottles of sake, all by himself.

Now, that's a lot for one person to drink in just a few hours, but that doesn't automatically make him an alcoholic.  The nail in the coffin was that, even after all of that, he didn't seem drunk.  He was a bit red in the face, and he was obviously loose and feeling good, but he didn't seem sloppy; he wasn't slurring his words or stumbling or anything like that.  So, either it takes that much alcohol just in order for him to get a good buzz on, or he's really good at hiding just how drunk he really is.  Either way, combine that with the weight gain, and it's clear this is a chronic thing with him.  And just in case it wasn't certain already, at one point he made a "joke" about how he doesn't even taste his first two beers of the night; that as soon as he gets home from work, he immediately pounds two beers, and then he interacts with his wife and sons.  He seemed to think that was funny, but I'm not sure why.

So, now the big question:  what do I do?

The answer is surprisingly simple.  I don't do anything.

Now, he's my friend, and I'm obviously worried about him.  But I have to remember that there really isn't anything I can do.  I'm aware of the situation, and I'm going to keep my eyes open, but that's about it in terms of my available options here.  If an opportunity arises at some point down the road for me to somehow subtly let him know that I know what he's going through, and that I'm available for him if he needs anything, then great.  If not, that's okay, too.

Ultimately, he's responsible for himself, and no one will be able to help him unless he believes he has a problem and he wants help with it.  If I were to confront him about his drinking in some way, all that would serve to do would be to alienate him and strain, or possibly even end, our friendship.  And if he does end up needing help at some point down the road, then that's the worst thing I could possibly have done, because then I wouldn't be there to be able to help him anymore.

There's also the hammer/nail problem of being a newly recovered addict.  As in, "when you're a Hammer, everything looks like a Nail."  There is nothing worse than the self-righteous douchebag with a handful of weeks sober, who suddenly decides to start going around diagnosing everyone else as alcoholics, as though being a drunk somehow made them an expert.  But even beyond simply not wanting to be that asshole, what's more important is that I could be wrong.  It doesn't seem all that likely in this situation, but it's definitely possible.  Maybe he doesn't usually drink like that; maybe he had a hard week and was just blowing off some extra steam that night.  There's no way for me to know, and it would be premature for me to judge him after just a couple of hours.  And newly sober people do have a tendency to start seeing addicts and alcoholics everywhere.  And yes, part of that is because they are everywhere, and because we don't tend to notice them as easily when we are one of them, and then they suddenly stand out like sore thumbs once we clean ourselves up.  But it's equally as true that we tend to project our issues onto other people, and see problems that aren't really there.  Not everyone who enjoys a few drinks has a problem, and it's easy for the person who does have a problem to lose sight of that.  And there's really no way to tell if someone really has a problem, or if you just think they have a problem, and so it's usually best to just keep your mouth shut and observe for a while, and just try to make yourself available.

Another thing that is important to remember in this situation, but that is often forgotten, is that there is a big difference between being addicted to alcohol and being a dysfunctional drunk.  It seems pretty clear to me that my friend has become addicted to alcohol.  But, as far as I can tell, the only negative effect that seems to be having on his life, is his health.  (And maybe his wallet.)  And if that's all - if he's still doing his job well, and maintaining relationships, and being a good husband and father and friend (all of which seem to be true) - then who am I to judge him?  We each have to decide how much our own health is worth to us, and it's no one else's place to tell us how much it should be worth to us.  (Our families might have some say in that decision, but that's about as far as it goes.  As a friend, I'm certainly not in any place to be telling him how to feel about himself.)  And so if he's enjoying his drinking, and he doesn't mind the toll it's taking on his health, or he thinks that is a reasonable price to pay for the amount of joy or pleasure he is getting out of it, and it isn't interfering with his ability to maintain his responsibilities and be a decent human being, then that's entirely his decision to make, and I really have no reason to be sticking my nose into his business.

And there's one more wrinkle to this situation that applies to this friend in particular.  I can't forget that he is a powerful chaos magickian.  And we magickians (chaos magickians in particular, I think) have a much greater tendency to get ourselves into trouble.  As a general rule, we push boundaries.  We try to find the edge of things, and then live there.  (Another way I don't fit the general model, as I tend to bounce back and forth from edge to edge in order to find the middle.)  But we also have a much greater tendency to find our own solutions to the problems we create for ourselves.  We get ourselves into trouble more often than the average, but we're also good at finding ways to smooth those problems over.  Self-empowerment is what we do.  I've seen many, many other magickians in similar situations over the years; situations where just about anyone else would be in over their head and need to ask for help, but the magickian is able to navigate the situation safely themselves, and find their own way to get better.  So, if it were anyone else, I would be much more worried.  But because I know he is a damned good magickian, I can feel confident in the fact that he has a much greater chance of successfully pulling himself out of this hole he's digging right now, if and when he ever feels the need to.

So, for now, I'm just going to keep my eye on him, and just try to be there if and when he decides he needs my help.  If I get a chance at any point during the AGM next week, maybe I'll try to tell him a little bit of my story, just to let him know that I've recently been in the same situation.

At the very least, I want to pay attention to him, as a living, breathing example of the possible future I only recently so narrowly escaped.