Down The Energy Drain...

I'm worried that I might've fucked things up for myself.

Ever since Walpurgisnacht, I've felt different.  Little to no energy, or drive.  No desire to do any of the things I've been getting so much joy and satisfaction out of recently:  I don't want to do my mathematics lessons, I don't want to meditate, I don't want to work out, I don't want to read, I don't want to clean the house or run errands, I don't want to write in this blog, and so on.  All I've wanted to do is watch TV, play video games, and sleep.  And get high.  My desire to get high has been a lot stronger since that night.  I guess that's to be expected.  But I honestly didn't expect such a drastic change in the rest of my personality, though.  I guess that was pretty naive of me.

It's not just that I've felt differently since then.  It's that I've felt exactly the way I usually feel when I'm using.  The sleeping all the time, and the lack of drive to do anything productive that requires energy, are exactly how I usually feel when I'm using.  In fact, I'm only realizing it now, but it all comes down to energy.  When I'm using, I'm always tired, so anything that requires an expenditure of energy seems like too much work.  So I end up not wanting to do anything that seems at all like work, and all I want to do is sit around and stimulate myself with TV and video games, and the occasional bath.  But when I'm sober, I have a lot more energy, and so I can do all these things I want to do, and they feel almost effortless, and in the end I still have energy to spare.  So, right now, I'm suffering from the same lack of energy and drive that I get when I'm using, but I don't even have the pleasure of using to offset the crappiness of feeling like a useless slug.

I'm really worried about this.  I mean, on one hand, I've been through this before.  On the other hand, this was exactly what I was trying to avoid.  I know that I can change my behavior, I can stop fucking around and go back to doing all the healthy and productive things I was doing before Walpurgisnacht.  So, it's not my actions that I'm worried about.  (Those just make me feel stupid and weak.)  No, my big fear is that even if I start doing all those healthy, productive things again, I won't feel the same way about them anymore.

I'm worried that I won't feel excited about them anymore.  That I won't find the same joy in them anymore.  That they'll just continue to feel like work, like something I have to do because I know I'm supposed to, instead of just being the things I want to do, the way they used to be.  I'm worried that I won't get my energy back.  I'm worried that I fucked myself up permanently.  I'm worried that they'll never feel effortless that way again. 

I'm worried that I'm going through this now, and a lot sooner than I anticipated.

I'm really worried, and I feel really ashamed, but I don't think there's any point in allowing myself to feel either of those things.  If given the opportunity to do things differently, I wouldn't.  I'd still celebrate Walpurgisnacht in the same way, because that experience taught me valuable lessons I wouldn't have learned any other way.  Including this lesson here.  I need to know what all the negative and unpleasant consequences of using again are, in order to keep me from using next time.  If I didn't know - if I wondered, "what would happen if I just had a little?" - then I'm more likely to give in to that temptation.  But now I know the price I will have to pay if I do that, and that's a big deterrent.

And I don't think there's any point in worrying about it, either.  Not yet, anyways.  Maybe I'll be able to get that energy and that enthusiasm for these productive activities back again.  Maybe I won't.  But the only way to determine that will be to get up and do them, and keep doing them for a while.  Then see how I feel in a couple of weeks.  Then deal with whatever I'm feeling then.  But there's no point in worrying about it now, because there's no way to know what to expect.  It could go either way.

Still, I can't shake the feeling that I've lost something really special.  And that I won't ever find it again.  And I keep finding myself feeling really sad about that.

But, for now, I'm just going to try not to think about that.  I don't see that I have much choice.

Just get up, and do the work.

And keep doing it.

And hope it stops feeling like work.