There was a lot of discussion, people seemed more engaged, there was a lot more discussion of actual issues surrounding our compulsive behavior, and the chit-chat about everyday bullshit was generally short and quick. There was also a lot more laughter and smiles this time around, which I think makes a difference.
I felt a lot more comfortable this time around. Just getting some basic familiarity with everyone, I guess. Felt a lot less like "the new guy." I felt comfortable offering input on other people's stories, and when I did they seemed to find it helpful and it usually sparked further discussion in the group. I did my own "sharing" mid-way through the meeting this time around, rather than at the end, and that worked out much better for me. I had gone in there with every intention of updating them on my resolution to the question that I'd been struggling with and that I discussed last time, but I actually ended up giving them a bit of a synopsis of where I'm at right now and what I'm working on and what my goals are. Not sure why. Just felt more natural, I guess. Went with the flow.
Talked about my mother and her mother. Talked about how I self-identified as an addict since before I ever actually used or drank anything, and that I've basically been using for my entire career as though I were also in recovery; using what I learned from my mother as a child to maximize the pleasure while minimizing the risk. Explained that I'm just kind of tired of it at this point, and so I've committed to at least a year completely sober from anything, which will be the first year of my adult life spent that way. And that generally I'm not struggling with my addiction in any way on a day-to-day basis - that I feel like I have a good bit of experience here, and how this all feels very comfortable and familiar - but that every once in a while, it'll suddenly sneak up out of nowhere, and I won't know what to do. Told a condensed version of the story of my relapse from a few weeks ago. I got a lot of positive comments, including "Wow, good share!" And I got a lot of laughs.
(Why is that so important to me? I guess I feel like, if I have to essentially give a performance to a group of people - a captive group, at that - then I feel I should at least be entertaining. If I have to tell a story, then the people who hear it should at least enjoy the experience on some level. I strive to be entertaining here, too, as much as possible without compromising the message. So, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to discover that I do the same thing in the group.)
I realized a few new things about the whiny woman who has apparently decided to become co-facilitator. I realized that it's not just that she's whiny, but that she rambles. She never seems to get to her point, and you're never actually sure what her point really is, anyways. She just rambles on and on in this stuttering, monotonous way, that makes it really difficult to pay attention to what she's saying. Whenever she finishes, I'm always left feeling sort of, Huh? What were you trying to say? What was the point of all that? So, of all the people I've met there so far, she is absolutely the worst at actually communicating her point to other people. That doesn't seem like a quality you'd want in a facilitator.
And she always has her two-cents to stick in. Which I guess is why the facilitator thinks she'd be good at the job. And I know we're supposed to respond to each other and discuss things and try and help out (SMART actually encourages "cross-talk," whereas most groups forbid it), but whenever she responds to somebody's story with her two-cents, it's always about her. It seems like she always begins with something like, "Well, that reminds me of this thing that happened to me the other day..." and then suddenly we're all listening to her story again, instead of the person who was supposed to have the floor. It just seems so rude. I imagine she must believe she's trying to help, but it's hard for me to see how she's actually helping anyone.
Also, now that I've heard everyone share their stories a few times, it's becoming fairly obvious that of all the people in the group, she is the one who least has her shit together. She is clearly the biggest mess in the entire group. I would go so far as to call her a hot mess, in fact. And she's apparently been coming to this group for years. If, even after all of these years, she is still struggling to this degree with the most basic aspects of recovery, then, again, I have to ask, how is this woman in any way qualified to function as a group facilitator? She seems like the absolute worst choice for facilitator out of the entire group! Ugh.
Hopefully I'll be done with all of this by the time she starts taking over. Or that she'll prove me wrong and turn out to be a wonderful facilitator. (Stranger things have happened.)
Despite all of that, the meeting was more of a positive experience than a negative one, and much more so than the previous weeks. For the first time, I find that I'm looking forward to the next one.
The last of the "ironic" bumper stickers from the back wall of the room:
"I've Fallen and I Can't Reach My Beer"
"Rehab Is For Quitters"
"The Only Urine Sample You'll Get From Me
Is A Taste Test"
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