About half the people there last night, were not there last week. So, it was almost like meeting a whole new group again; only about half the people there last night had met me the week before. And the meeting began with the announcement that the person I had found to be the most annoying from the previous week was apparently now going to be the co-facilitator and help run the meetings. Wonderful.
It was very much the same as before in most ways. A lot of older, broken, rather tired and sickly looking people, for the most part (there were a couple exceptions). And again, everyone basically just spent their time detailing the mundane minutiae of their lives. It's almost as if everyone is trying to answer the question, "What's been going on with you lately?" rather than, "How have you been doing with your recovery lately?" And that is sooo boring to listen to for an hour-and-a-half, and just so completely not-helpful.
Once again, the facilitator (the guy who ostensibly runs the meetings) waited until two minutes before the scheduled end of the meeting to get around to me and the other new guy from last week (the one who shouted "Where's Happy Hour?"). Which put us, the new guys, in the position of having to choose between either being looky-lou's (listening to everyone else talk, but not really participating ourselves), or being the reason everyone else had to stay late. Thanks a lot. (To be fair, we could've volunteered to speak at any point during the meeting, but as "the new guys," it just doesn't feel right, somehow, to be interjecting and taking time away from people who have been coming there every week for years.) I'm beginning to get the impression that this guy isn't a very good facilitator.
When it was my turn to talk, I basically gave a quick synopsis of the events and questions I described in yesterday's post. When I asked aloud, "Maybe everyone needs to get high, and all we can choose is the method?," I saw the facilitator's eyes widen in panic, and he started shaking his head as if to say, "No! No, don't say THAT!" Which kind of shocked me and upset me a little. Why the fuck is that a taboo question? And I thought the whole point of SMART vs. other organizations was that this was supposed to be free of dogma. So, what was so wrong with that question??
After I finished speaking there was a murmur of "Wow, good questions. - Yeah, those are good questions. - Wow, I never thought of that. - Whew, how do you answer that one?!," etc. from the rest of the group, which was far more reaction than had been generated by anything else said at the meeting to that point. (Not bragging, just stating a fact.) And then a bunch of people offered several comments (again representing more activity than had been seen in the rest of the meeting so far).
The really annoying, whiny woman who is apparently now going to be co-facilitator told me that I should trust my feelings (whatever that means - I just told you my feelings - my feelings are "this makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, but I'm not sure I really am doing anything wrong") and to try an experiment where I accept it, and tell myself that it's okay to feel that way, and then see how that makes me feel. (???) And then another, older gentleman (who apparently is either a chemist or other scientist, or works with chemists or other scientists) started trying to explain to me in dumbed-down language about Endorphins, without actually naming them. I interrupted him to say, "yeah, I know, the endorphins. And they activate the opiate-receptors, so it's basically a naturally produced painkiller." He seemed kind of shocked and at a loss for words after that (guess he was looking forward to dropping some science on me?), but went on to say that since my body is producing it for a good reason, then I should just enjoy it. Which made absolutely no sense to me. What fucking difference does it make if the opiate is synthetic or naturally produced by my body?? I'm still activating my opiate-receptors, which is the exact behavior pattern I'm trying to fucking break! The idea that it's as simple as just Natural vs. Synthetic is completely asinine. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that, of course. I just nodded and smiled and tried to look grateful. And there were other comments, as well, but none any more helpful. They basically fell into either "trust your feelings/instincts" (gee, thanks, hadn't figured that one out yet) or "it's okay, so accept it and allow yourself to enjoy it" (no explanation as to why or how it's okay - just stating simply that it is, so accept it - again, thanks so much; I guess I should just do what you say and not worry about having to, I don't know, understand the situation at all or anything).
And so, after two meetings, I'm beginning to wonder if this group really has anything to offer me. I keep hearing people tell their stories, and describe how they learned some lesson or wisdom that seems totally basic and completely obvious to me, and that I feel as if I learned ten years ago; and this coming from someone old enough to be my father, or my grandfather! I came to this group hoping to learn something, and maybe find a resource that I could use for help when I needed it. But over and over again, I keep finding that I want to help these people, that I want to educate them, instead of the other way around! I'm not trying to be a condescending prick here, honestly. It's just that it seems to me as if I'm already a lot farther down this road than they all are. (When you think about it, I've been doing this my whole life - from before I even started using - while I was using, for crying out loud - and this is just the latest stage of it.) I feel as though I'm asking people who are still figuring out the things I already know, what I should do next, when they can't possibly know, because they haven't even gotten to the point that I'm at yet, much less beyond it.
All I seem to have gained from attending these meetings so far, is a reinforcement of the same experience I have whenever I get in a group of other people: I end up feeling like a condescending misanthrope. (It's so weird - I used to need other people so badly when I was a kid. I didn't know who I was without a group of friends around me to validate and support me. And now, I can't stand people! It drives me crazy to have to spend any significant amount of time with the general public.)
I don't know. Maybe as I get more comfortable with this group, things will get better. Maybe my influence will lead them to participate more and discuss more worthwhile topics. (That certainly seemed to be the case last night.) Or maybe as I get to know them better, and feel more comfortable inserting my $.02 into the conversation, maybe I actually will be able to help some of them. And maybe helping some of them will help me in some fashion. I don't know. It's possible, I guess. I'm going to give it a few more meetings before I make any decisions, at the very least; I want to give this a fair chance, and not make any snap-judgements.
And, worst-case-scenario, if this meeting continues to be this bad, or gets even worse, there's always another meeting close to my work that I could try out instead. Maybe that one will be better.
More of the bizarre, "ironic" (?) signs from the back wall of the room:
"I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings."
"Don't Drink and Drive. You might spill your beer."
"I <3 BEER"
"Don't Drink and Park: Cocktails Make People Make More People"
2 comments:
I'll bet if you keep going, they make you a co-faciliator! Which might not be so bad. They say the best way to learn something is to teach it to other people.
LOL! I sure hope not! I would hate to have to go to this group often enough, or for long enough, to end up facilitating.
But, I must admit, the idea of using my experience to help other people who are struggling a lot more than I am... that does sound appealing.
Something to think about. Thanks!
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