Hope and Regret, part 1...

(When I originally wrote this piece, it turned out to be a lot longer than I'd anticipated, and it just seemed like way too much to include in one posting.  So, I've decided to break it up into three parts.)


I learned at least two really important things at my counseling session this week.

First of all, I was reminded of something that I had previously known, but apparently forgotten.  That this thing I'm going through right now, this period of depression and low-energy/motivation, is a really common psycho-emotional/bio-chemical reaction in addicts, in response to a relapse.  It's almost textbook.  Basically, once you've sobered up a bit, then the crash from even just a little bit of use is much more pronounced, and much more noticeable.  (It's always there, really - it's just that when you're getting high all the time, it's a lot harder to notice it.)  And so that's what's happening with me right now.

I've learned that lesson before.  I used to know this.  So I kind of felt like an idiot for somehow managing to forget it.  But I was also very glad to be made aware of it again.  Oddly, it made me feel better somehow to know that this was a common phenomena, that many other people have gone, and are going, through it, that it's been studied and cataloged.  Made me less sad about giving up what I'd lost.

Speaking of which, I was reminded of something about that, as well.  That period of time in early sobriety, where life is beautiful and being clean just feels so good and everything comes so easily and naturally - that period that just ended for me after Walpurgisnacht, what I've been calling my "state of grace" - in recovery-speak, that period is called "the pink cloud."  Also common, also well-studied and cataloged by men in white coats.

And also another trap.  At least for me, anyways.  Because, when I think about it, I realize that the pink cloud is just another high.  I can see the pattern in my behavior so clearly now.  I use until I get bored with it, or until it becomes so much less fun than it once was that it's no longer worth the price I'm paying for it in terms of health, energy, etc.  Then I sober up and ride the pink cloud for all it's worth for as long as I can.  And then as soon as that wears off, as soon as that becomes so much less fun than it once was that it's no longer worth the price I'm paying for it in terms of effort and sacrifice, then I start using again.  And round and round we go on the merry-go-round of rotating knives.  Basically, I've been cycling back and forth between being high on drugs, and being high on life.  But no matter what, I've always been high.

So, that's what I'm trying to work on now.  Breaking that cycle.  And not just learning how to live a life without using, but learning how to live my life, truly sober - meaning not high on anything at all, completely regardless of whether that thing is seen as a positive or negative influence.  Figuring out how to live my life completely down to earth.  (And figuring out what "down to earth" even means for me.)

Takin' it back to formula.


continued in part two tomorrow...